being an asshole at work: stop doing that shit!

a couple of days ago, i wrote a tweet.

when i originally tweeted it, i wanted to make a social commentary on the idea of a “leader” in the workplace. although it is now changing, there is a narrative that has been created that women, especially women of color–––and more specifically, black women–––don’t make great leaders because they tend to exhibit “emotional” and “irrational” behavior. we often hear of the "angry black woman" stereotype and other misogynistic language that is used to discuss a woman's abilities at work. this isn't new.

what i wasn’t prepared for was the thousands of responses on this tweet with people sharing their stories of (what should be considered) workplace abuse by the hands of their managers and executive leadership. people shared stories of how they've had objects thrown at them. many people talked about how they were threatened or yelled at by their managers. some recalled their experiences of being cornered, physically, in conference rooms during meetings.

women, specifically, recounted being called names like "bitch", "stupid", or "crazy". one woman even described being reassigned to a different shift after confronting her boss for screaming at her.

what i will never understand is the power that goes unchecked when this mistreatment happens. somehow, “leaders” are allowed to flip out on their teams and remain in their positions, and even get promoted. and oftentimes, these “leaders” continue their behavior from job to job because they know that there will be no consequences.

because of that, we rarely see people at the individual contributor level vocalize their concerns or experiences out of fear. they’re afraid of being perceived as weak or too sensitive, or worse, they’re afraid of being fired. additionally, it has been shown that speaking out doesn't always benefit the person being mistreated.

that’s some bullshit, y’all.

how can anyone consider themselves a “leader” and act that way in the workplace?

how is this acceptable at work–––a place where many of us spend the majority of our time?

now, i’m not saying that it’s not okay to be emotional or irrational at work. we’re human. we all have our moments. i have personally cried at work on several occasions. however, there is a level of accountability that “leaders” should have for their actions. they should recognize and understand how their behavior impacts the people around them.

fortunately, many white men that responded to my tweet were willing to admit when they had been that person. it's a rare but beautiful thing to witness when a leader can acknowledge their own behavior and take the necessary steps to make their team feel safe and respected at work. that's what we call growth, people! a sincere apology can go a long way.

how to stop being an asshole at work

so, to everyone reading this post (especially those in manager, director, and executive positions), here’s what i want you to take away:

• check yourself. there’s no need to be an asshole to people you work with, no matter what position you’re in. individual contributors just want direction and understanding. leave your ego at home, and speak to them with respect.
• do better. think about how you can invest in your personal development. this could be as simple as getting feedback from your team, seeing a therapist, or both. just a couple of suggestions.
• be actionable. if you see your colleague berating their team or making their team feel uncomfortable, call them out. don't stand by idly and watch it happen.
• understand that it’s never that serious. if there’s anything that this covid-19 pandemic has taught us, it's that “the job” can come and go. at the end of the day, we need the support of people to get through life, not our job titles.

with all that said, i have and will continue to make it a point to develop my leadership and intrapersonal skills. sometimes that goes a lot further than your professional skillset. i challenge you to do the same.

thank you to everyone that contributed their tweets to this article: @nishajd, @couxist, @amychanta, @weareshura, @scottconnerly, and @rvr.

you can see more responses to my tweet here.