Behind the words- how to read people more clearly

Did you know that the traditional Chinese character for the verb To Listen is in fact a composition of characters providing you instructions on how to actively listen? I will talk about this in another article (I truly believe this deserves an article on its own), but what I want to point out for the sake of this discussion is the “Eyes” character.?

Listening with your Eyes means paying attention to what is not being said, to the nonverbal elements of communication. And experts estimate that 70 to 93 percent of all communication is in fact non-verbal.

Most of us associate this mainly with body language and gestures, but the truth is everything about ourselves sends a message. From the moment someone appears in our visual range, we assess them for all kinds of information: how they walk, how they are dressed, what posture they adopt, how close they stand to others, the amount of space they are taking etc.

All of the ways you present and express yourself, other than with words, represents a form of non verbal communication. Especially in business or in the workplace, these details will build the case for the way others perceive you. Equally important, observing these details in a conversation will allow you to see the bigger picture, understand true intentions and help you stir the conversation in the right way.

The non-verbal behavior is controlled by our limbic system (the emotional brain) rather than by the neocortex and thus, the messages we convey non-verbally are more sincere. Because our body can often be more truthful than our speech, focusing more on body language can be one of the most important tools you have in becoming a more effective listener and communicator.

Freeze– Flight- Fight

These are the 3 survival instincts engraved in our behaviors, the 3 neurological responses that have stood the test of time in face of danger. These are displayed in the animal world just as much as in ours; however, they take a different form.

• Freeze- this is our first line of defense, and it allows us to conserve energy while looking for alternatives in our environment. It is a natural impulse to stay hidden and not be seen by a potential threat: we might cover our mouth to avoid saying something, we contract our body to appear smaller, we display a lack of intonation in our voice or a lack of gestures.
• Flight – in day to day live, we can’t always leave a scene that makes us feel uncomfortable. Instead, our limbic system compels us to distance ourselves from whatever we perceive as negative: our feet angle away when we want to leave a conversation, our torso leans away or slightly turns. We tend to protect our upper body from the aggressor, so we might want to create a barrier: we button up our jacket, we place a purse on our lap, we cross our hands, or we do a leg crossover that creates that body barrier, we protect our neck area by covering it with our hand, we cover our eyes or faces with our hands.
• Fight – because we have laws against violence towards others (oh, well…), most of us have turned the aggression inwards. The fight response can be easily seen in an argument: lips biting, chests puffed out, leaning forward towards the other person, tightening the jaw, making a fist, flaring the nostrils, punching the desk, finger pointing, frowning, removing articles of clothing.

Pacifying Behaviors

When feeling uncomfortable, the limbic system recognizes the stressor and generates the energy that will be used in the flight or fight response that follows. When we don’t use that energy to literally walk away or engage in a fight, we will manifest and use it in the so-called pacifying behaviors. These are very often displayed and take various forms: playing with a necklace or a watch, touching our face, rubbing our hands on our thighs, rubbing our nostrils or ears, nail biting, doing a gesture of dusting our clothes (usually on the leg area when sited down), adjusting our neck collar, exhaling softly, massaging our neck.

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What is important to note is that non verbal signals should always be read taking into consideration the context of the person and of the situation. Before noting such changes in someone’s behavior, you need to know what their baseline is (how they act when they are comfortable) and ultimately observe the changes to this baseline. Knowing how someone acts when they feel comfortable will allow you to notice when they become stressed or uncomfortable.

Noticing the non-verbal cues will allow you to understand when someone might agree or disagree, would need to end the conversation or have a break, when they have an emotional response to what you are saying. By responding appropriately to these cues, you convey confidence and show a high level of empathy that builds trust.?

This article is based on the work of Joe Navarro – former FBI agent and world leading expert on nonverbal behavior.