Behind the 'perfect life'.

I have been searching all my life to be ‘'happy'.

Yet on the outside, I am perceived as having it all. A roof over my head, food on the table, car, a lifelong partner, job, material possessions, holidays, beautiful son. I had always known that my 'mind' worked differently, or at least I thought it did until 30 years of age - when I finally accepted who I am.

I now can ask myself, 'What is normal?' 'Who is normal?'.

We all go through years of education, striving for success, pressure from an early age, and everybody questioning 'what do you want to be when you grow up?'. I never knew… I just wanted to be happy. I wish somebody had educated me about how to look after my mental health from an early age instead of having a few what I like to call 'crash and burn' moments. Rather, you have to figure it out yourself whilst questioning, 'What is wrong with me?' and hold your hand up to ask for help.

So, people are probably wondering at this point what I am talking about; I have no shame in saying that I suffer from a mental health problem diagnosed as 'severe anxiety disorder' and 'panic attacks'. I have been through some dark times and have been in some awful situations. When my son was in a coma, this heightened my condition. Luckily, with the right help from professionals and medication, I feel more in control and can live a 'normal life'. Well - most of the time. I do have my wobbles, but I know my triggers and work to keep my mind under control.

It has taken me a long time, to be honest and be true to who I am. For years I have wanted to be the 'life and soul' of the party, and on a good day, I like to give this my best shot… loving life. These are the times that I treasure. However, there are times when I am ready to go out the door on a night out, and my good old friend anxiety kicks in, and I simply cannot go. I end up in bed, feeling anxious and upset that I am 'missing out'. In my working life, I get through the day, but on occasion, I'm in the toilets having a full-blown panic attack, and nobody would ever know. Anxiety can be powerful if you let it; when you think you're ok, your body feels differently.

A particular episode saw me in the hospital when I collapsed. I like to carry on and do not want to be this person, but I should accept who I am. If I don’t, I’m not in for a happy life!

Talking of 'happy'... I have my plans for coping with anxiety in everyday life (one of them being chocolate. Thank goodness I have learnt to accept I am never going to be a supermodel!). Many of these coping techniques cost nothing.?

Don’t get me wrong, through hard work and determination; I love nice things. However, they do not define who I am. I have learnt to 'be happy' when I can instead of always striving to 'be happy'.?

I notice the small things now. I like to live in the moment and appreciate who and what I have around me daily. One of the best things I ever did was start talking to people about my anxiety and panic attacks (luckily, I love talking as my closest know!).?

Not everybody gets it, which is fine, but even somebody being there to listen is huge, or a text to see if you are okay.

In my opinion, mental health is to be 'nurtured' just like many other things in our life. I am so grateful that organisations such as MIND are there to support people and encourage people that there is nothing to be ashamed of - it’s simply the way you are.

Written by Kirsty Ormerod, Safehinge Primera.