Behind my Mask

Hello friends.

I thought it was time to provide a detailed update on all that has happened over the last little while with me as I have had a number of questions. I have been quiet on LinkedIn, and there is a good reason as a lot has happened AND I mean A LOT.?As I noted in my most recent post, I want to share my messy, authentic side to more of you… so (breathe) here goes!

Over a year ago I took an extended leave from work. I came back full time in May of this year.

My leave was a result of burn out and mental health issues. I simply got to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore – I couldn’t pretend to have it all together when in the background I was breaking down crying every day for no apparent reason. For months I had to force myself out of bed and try to get through my day when all I wanted to do was hide under the covers and for everyone to leave me alone.

For a while, I have been wanting, and trying, to write my story, but I’m hesitant – I procrastinate, and I simply don’t do it. Why? Why is this so hard? Because this is a big step for me – to be truly vulnerable – to not appear like I have it all together all the time. To show the real me. Over my lifetime, I have slowly, carefully, cultivated:

·????????a mask to protect myself

·????????a mask of a fun, energetic, curious adventurer

·????????a mask that I have it all under control

·????????a mask of “I can handle anything you throw at me”.

But it was all smoke and mirrors. A fake reality that I slowly created over time. Some saw it before I did – but eventually the mask cracked as I faced event after event over the last 2 years that made me finally uncover and discover my true self. ?

First came the reduction and eventual conversion of a significant role at work. This was a role leading a group of trailblazers with whom I loved pushing the envelope with, to see of what we could do and how the market would perceive us. This was the team that hosted so many new and fun events including the family movie premiers which became memorable events for clients and friends. This was the same team that came up with our guiding principles which included, “Don’t be a Deck”.?and using a creative story-telling proposal writing process which resulted in an 80% win rate. We were often called the dream team and people wondered what was behind our magic. I’m not entirely sure I could pinpoint exactly what it was, but we trusted each other, and we knew we could be innovative and test the boundaries of normal business as a result. We had a lot of fun doing what we were doing (and yes, there were a lot of tears too), but things never stay the same and one day the team expanded, evolved and eventually changed completely. I miss this team… still to this day … it was magic. We just didn’t realize it at the time or maybe we did but we took for granted that we had infinite time together. (To my purple team: I love you all and miss you!)

The COVID pandemic was next to hit me (well, all of us). It wasn’t real at first… just a few weeks; we would be back in the offices by May at the latest is what I kept thinking to myself. And then weeks became months and I truly hated it. So many friends and colleagues around me kept saying how great it was, how productive they were and how much more flexibility there was. To an extent, I agree with all those things. However, for an extreme extrovert who gets her energy from being around, and connecting people, I was slowly dying inside (I know, a bit dramatic but I think you know what I mean). Back-to-back 30 minute Zoom calls were just simply not the same as being in person… and so slowly I retreated into myself more and more.

The separation from my husband happened in August of 2020; like most marriages, this did not happen overnight. It was not the result of the COVID lockdown as many suspected or hypothesized. It was the result of so many things over so many years – lack of communication, taking each other for granted, not feeling heard or understood by each other, resentment, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling to name just a few things. At the end of the day, we had simply stopped being friends and were at best roommates and co-parents.

The day my ex told me he was leaving I was at first relieved and then stone-cold scared. How were my two sons going to take this news??“This will destroy them” ran through my head over and over again.?“We can’t do this to them. They have already been through so much with the lockdowns and now they are going back to school in all this chaos. We need to wait.” My ex did not want to wait… we needed to do this now and we would simply figure it out. So over the next 5 weeks we slowly “figured” out how to unravel our 20-year marriage. We told the boys first and then slowly our families and some friends. Needless to say, it did not go smoothly but it was amicable, and we were always on the same page that the boys and their well-being came first.??

For the next 6 months, I lived in a very surreal existence. There was a giant empty pit in my heart and it ached all the time…. but I kept pushing ahead “Just get through the days as best you can and be strong for the boys.” “I can do this. This happens to families all the time and they survive.”?“We will be fine; we just need to power through and get use to this new way of being a family.”?I would say these things to myself over and over again. Lying awake in bed, sitting in my car listening to music, walking the dog, running in the park… this never-ending unrelenting narrative ran in my head.?“I’m fine. I got this… I can handle this.” And then I really couldn’t. The ache took over and broke me down.

I had been talking to a therapist for over 9 months at this stage, and while I was talking about, and uncovering a lot of things about myself, I was unwilling to accept that I was suffering from depression and burnout for the first time in my life, and that I needed to take some time off work. It wasn’t until a few very close friends of mine said “Enough is enough. You are not you anymore and you need to stop trying to hold it all up. You are not fooling anyone. You are NOT fine”?When this honesty hit, the mask cracked wide open and exposed me to a lot of pain that I had been holding back. I felt very raw, scared and completely alone, even though I had many people around who loved me. I was so exhausted and empty. I just starting crying ….and crying. ?

Finally, after 3 weeks of endless crying I called my boss and told him I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed a break. “I just need a few weeks and I will come back so much better. I am so exhausted… I just need to breathe for a bit.” I ended up taking 9 months off.?????

During my time off I slowly started to reconnect to myself, but also to my oldest son (who was 15 at the time), with whom I had had a very strained relationship for a number of years. We began to take the dog for walks together and slowly started talking again. Nothing big at first, just little things… but we were talking. That summer, with some extra time off I eventually decided to take the boys on a road trip around Quebec and the Maritimes. I had always wanted to do that and what better time than when the world was still in lock-down and we could travel fairly easily in Canada. The trip was truly life changing. It was not picture-perfect by any means. We fought a lot for the first few days in Montreal, but eventually we settled in and enjoyed seeing a different side of Canada and each other – mom and teenage boys. After this trip I said to my oldest that I felt like we “found each other” again and our relationship had completely evolved. They were no longer little kids that I could tell what to do or “control” for lack of a better work. And they say that I did not have it all together, that I did not have all the answers for them; but they knew I loved them, that I would listen to them and that I would ?guide and join them on their own journeys. BUT I would not dictate anymore.

Two weeks after coming back from this trip we all started gearing up for going back to school – again, in the middle of a global pandemic. Masks were still being worn, classes were in-person, but the normal set-up was different, and this greatly affected my boys (honestly, I believe it has affected all of kids). The anxiety and fear was just hiding under the surface, and I could see it on both of their faces. They were scared and I was not sure what to do, or how to help them.

On the evening of September 6th, 2021 my eldest son cracked everything open. While starting our regular evening dog walk he broke down and started to cry. ?He said that he needed to tell me something but that he wasn’t sure how and was scared about how I would react. He had recently been diagnosed as neuro-diverse on the autism spectrum and was suffering from mental health issues. All of this pain, sadness and anxiety had built up to a point where he could not take it anymore and he felt that the only way to stop his pain was to end his life. He did not attempt to hurt himself directly, but he did write a letter to me saying goodbye and trying to explain why he needed to do what he wanted to do.?

As soon as he said this to me all the air left my lungs and the world stopped. I started crying and hugged him so hard and never wanted to let him go. “Hold him, protect him… if you don’t let go nothing can happen to him. The world can’t do anything more to him. Just don’t let go.:

This was one of the most surreal moments of my life. I was so grateful that he talked to me and told me about his pain but at the same time I had no idea what to do. I immediately called my ex and we rallied around him. For weeks I didn’t leave him alone. I was back to watching him sleep at night, just in case. ?I was constantly asking him how he was feeling… did he want to hurt himself? How could I help? What else we could do? I honestly cannot imagine the pain of a parent losing a child but I got a glimpse of it and it was life changing.?Everything came into perspective. Nothing else matters but love and connection with those that you love. Nothing.

My son needed time to heal and to talk about what he was feeling. This did not happen overnight but slowly he has come back to us; partially through medication but mostly through therapy and talking. He is learning about his feelings and what is underneath them… and he now really talks to me. As a mom of teenage boys I am truly grateful for that… and I thank the universe (or whatever it is) everyday that he had the courage to talk to me.

After many more months away, I finally made the decision that it was time to come back to work.?I felt that I had done a lot of reflection and found a renewed passion for what I wanted to do.?My colleagues and organization have been amazing throughout this whole experience. Giving me time and space to finally breathe and rediscover my true self – I am truly grateful for everything they have done as I know this is not everyone’s experience.

Now what….?

I wanted and needed to talk about these experiences, not to gain pity or sympathy from anyone – life is hard and there is unique and universal suffering for all humans. I am sharing my stories to get it out there to be my true self – vulnerable and authentic, and to show that things are often not what they appear to be. There is no perfect “got it all together” life. I am sharing my stories with you in the hope that if you are feeling something similar, we can support each other as a community and help each other get through the hard things we all face. You are not alone in how you feel. You and your story matters.

Please connect with me and comment here on LinkedIn if you’ve been wearing a “got-it-all-together mask” too.?My ultimate hope and goal with sharing is to start a real conversation in this community on how we are all really feeling deep down and maybe by doing that we can help each other.

Thanks for reading and listening.?Please share this story if it resonated with you and think it will help anyone you know.

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#trueself #authenticity #unmasked #storymatters