“Behind every criticism is a wish”

“Behind every criticism is a wish”

“Behind every criticism is a wish”?– so says two people who should know - Tammy Lensky and Esther Perel?

It is something none of us like and something that so often wounds us – the dreaded ‘C’ word – CRITICISM. Mangers of people and parents should learn the simple technique of turning criticisms into wishes. If the criticism is directed at the manager it is stinging but we are often the ones doing the criticising. And whilst it is not intended, it too often comes across this way.

Principals and managers of people don’t just have to manage conflict, but make every attempt to avoid it in the first instance. This can be done if we become aware of simple techniques to ensure trust and safety of colleagues – even when we are at our wits end in dealing with some people.

Criticism hurts and attacks our identity and it fails to persuade. Criticism expresses disapproval of a person or entity (organisation, department, family, friend etc). There is a difference between criticism and critique. In general, criticism is judgemental and focussed on finding fault whilst critique is descriptive and balanced. You also cannot influence someone when you are judging them. When someone criticizes your work, it can feel like a confirmation of your inner critic saying you’re not good enough.?

Esther Perel says that behind every criticism is a wish. In an insecure relationship – work or personal - instead of saying what one wants, someone will say what you didn’t do. Perel, looking at criticism through a therapist’s lens, believes that criticism is an oblique way to avoid rejection:

If I say “I wish,” I have to put myself out there. It means I want something and I can be refused. I can be rejected. I can be not heard. And in a relationship that is not secure, I will defend against that. I don’t want to show you that side of me. So instead of saying what I want, I’ll say what you didn’t do. That’s the criticism. What you didn’t do and what’s wrong with you is safer, in some bizarre way, than to tell you what is special about me and what I would’ve wanted.

To help them illuminate the wish - if you are the recipient of criticism, Lensky would suggest you try – “I heard that behind every criticism is a wish. What is the wish you have in this instance?” OR “Instead of what’s wrong with me, can you tell me what you are wishing for?” OR “If I were or were not a ............. (insert) what would that mean to you?”?

“Like anger, criticism has a message that’s struggling to be heard, but the message gets lost in the delivery” says Lensky.

Here are some examples from Lensky. Place yourself as a manger of people in asking for the wish in the following:

  • Criticism: You’re such a slacker.
  • Complaint: You’re not pulling your share of the load.
  • Fear: I will bear the burden of doing it all. Or, I will fail to do it all well.
  • Wish: I would like help getting this project done well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  • Criticism: You never listen!
  • Complaint: It’s frustrating when you ask me a question and then don’t listen to my answer.
  • Fear: My opinion doesn’t matter. Or, You’re not really interested in what I have to say.
  • Wish: I’d like what I say to matter to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  • Criticism: He’s so passive-aggressive.
  • Complaint: He commits to a task and then doesn’t do it.
  • Fear: He thinks I’m a pushover. Or, I’ll have to take on his task at the last minute.
  • Wish: I want to trust his promises.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Although productive disagreement is a skill that most people should develop it is without doubt a hard one. Too often it turns personal. Quite often parents fight behind closed doors fearing that to argue in front of children is damaging. However, as Grant points out, research shows that the frequency of parents arguing has no bearing on children’s academic, social or emotional upbringing. What does matter, is the how respectfully parents argue, not how frequently.

As kids and others watch managers and people leaders turn criticisms into wishes, they will learn constructive ways to manage conflict. There is no doubt that how well we take criticism can depend as much on our relationship with the messenger as it does on the message.

In one experiment, Grant points out that when the manager says: “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them”, at least 40% of people were more receptive. It is easier to accept what is being said to you when what is said comes from someone who believes in your potential and cares about your success.

?

Denise Archie

Business Strategist @ Coaching College | Speaker, Facilitator, Leadership Coach

3 年

Thank you Phil - your posts are always insightful and interesting.

回复
Marissa Ely

An Advertising, Brand and Social Media Manager & Business owner of Maroubra Community

3 年

Well said

回复
Hayley Mayer

Psychotherapist/Counsellor/Writer/Presenter

3 年

I love this post….. own your feelings and communicate your need without blame. Awesome examples too. Thank you for sharing.

回复

要查看或添加评论,请登录

Phil Roberts的更多文章

  • Ruinous Empathy - a problem for leaders?

    Ruinous Empathy - a problem for leaders?

    Radical Candour - let's be clear! “There’s a Russian anecdote about a guy who has to amputate his dog’s tail but loves…

    2 条评论
  • Strength and Power in Leadership

    Strength and Power in Leadership

    Strength and Power in Leadership Strength in leadership! What is it? What does it look like? Where do our ideas about…

    1 条评论
  • Leaders as Givers

    Leaders as Givers

    Leaders as Givers There are many characteristics that define great leaders but arguably none more so than being a…

    2 条评论
  • Conflict requires skilled listening

    Conflict requires skilled listening

    Conflict demands that leaders listen – truly listen. I am often asked what one of the most important skills of being a…

    3 条评论
  • Negotiation as Jazz

    Negotiation as Jazz

    I really like the way Michael Wheeler describes Negotiation as Jazz Michael Wheeler—Senior Fellow at Harvard Business…

    4 条评论
  • Having those difficult conversations

    Having those difficult conversations

    None of us like the difficult conversations and for some, avoidance – knowingly or unknowingly – becomes the order of…

    1 条评论
  • Do you have "What if?" thinking too?

    Do you have "What if?" thinking too?

    Fabulous. I won Bronze.

  • Leaders are biased too!

    Leaders are biased too!

    As leaders, how do we manage conflict in an unbiased way? Is that even possible? When we have two or more people in our…

  • Leaders also need to know their sunk cost.

    Leaders also need to know their sunk cost.

    Leaders – Don’t Fall for the Sunk Cost Fallacy How good are you at walking back on the decision you’ve made? Does it…

    1 条评论
  • Examine the Friction as much as the Fuel

    Examine the Friction as much as the Fuel

    Loran Nordgren is the author of The Human Element? The Human Element (according to Booktopia’s intro) is a book for…

    1 条评论

社区洞察

其他会员也浏览了