“Behind every criticism is a wish”

“Behind every criticism is a wish”?– so says two people who should know - Tammy Lensky and Esther Perel?

It is something none of us like and something that so often wounds us – the dreaded ‘C’ word – CRITICISM. Mangers of people and parents should learn the simple technique of turning criticisms into wishes. If the criticism is directed at the manager it is stinging but we are often the ones doing the criticising. And whilst it is not intended, it too often comes across this way.

Principals and managers of people don’t just have to manage conflict, but make every attempt to avoid it in the first instance. This can be done if we become aware of simple techniques to ensure trust and safety of colleagues – even when we are at our wits end in dealing with some people.

Criticism hurts and attacks our identity and it fails to persuade. Criticism expresses disapproval of a person or entity (organisation, department, family, friend etc). There is a difference between criticism and critique. In general, criticism is judgemental and focussed on finding fault whilst critique is descriptive and balanced. You also cannot influence someone when you are judging them. When someone criticizes your work, it can feel like a confirmation of your inner critic saying you’re not good enough.?

Esther Perel says that behind every criticism is a wish. In an insecure relationship – work or personal - instead of saying what one wants, someone will say what you didn’t do. Perel, looking at criticism through a therapist’s lens, believes that criticism is an oblique way to avoid rejection:

If I say “I wish,” I have to put myself out there. It means I want something and I can be refused. I can be rejected. I can be not heard. And in a relationship that is not secure, I will defend against that. I don’t want to show you that side of me. So instead of saying what I want, I’ll say what you didn’t do. That’s the criticism. What you didn’t do and what’s wrong with you is safer, in some bizarre way, than to tell you what is special about me and what I would’ve wanted.

To help them illuminate the wish - if you are the recipient of criticism, Lensky would suggest you try – “I heard that behind every criticism is a wish. What is the wish you have in this instance?” OR “Instead of what’s wrong with me, can you tell me what you are wishing for?” OR “If I were or were not a ............. (insert) what would that mean to you?”?

“Like anger, criticism has a message that’s struggling to be heard, but the message gets lost in the delivery” says Lensky.

Here are some examples from Lensky. Place yourself as a manger of people in asking for the wish in the following:

• Criticism: You’re such a slacker.
• Complaint: You’re not pulling your share of the load.
• Fear: I will bear the burden of doing it all. Or, I will fail to do it all well.
• Wish: I would like help getting this project done well.

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• Criticism: You never listen!
• Complaint: It’s frustrating when you ask me a question and then don’t listen to my answer.
• Fear: My opinion doesn’t matter. Or, You’re not really interested in what I have to say.
• Wish: I’d like what I say to matter to you.

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• Criticism: He’s so passive-aggressive.
• Complaint: He commits to a task and then doesn’t do it.
• Fear: He thinks I’m a pushover. Or, I’ll have to take on his task at the last minute.
• Wish: I want to trust his promises.

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Although productive disagreement is a skill that most people should develop it is without doubt a hard one. Too often it turns personal. Quite often parents fight behind closed doors fearing that to argue in front of children is damaging. However, as Grant points out, research shows that the frequency of parents arguing has no bearing on children’s academic, social or emotional upbringing. What does matter, is the how respectfully parents argue, not how frequently.

As kids and others watch managers and people leaders turn criticisms into wishes, they will learn constructive ways to manage conflict. There is no doubt that how well we take criticism can depend as much on our relationship with the messenger as it does on the message.

In one experiment, Grant points out that when the manager says: “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them”, at least 40% of people were more receptive. It is easier to accept what is being said to you when what is said comes from someone who believes in your potential and cares about your success.

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