Behaviors Follow States

“To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” – Lao Tzu

After coaching people for 25 years, it's become very clear that we all:

1. Do things we don't want to do.
2. Don't do things we do want to do

While it's unpleasant to act in ways that contradict our desires, the real suffering comes from the fact that we don't know why we behave in ways we don't prefer. Not knowing why you do or don’t do something is called ignorance. When you could know why and you choose not to, that's called willful blindness. While both cause suffering, willful blindness seems to have a heftier consequence. The cure for willful blindness is found in the form of prolonged suffering. Some of us must hit rock bottom before allowing the truth to set us free.

My definition of this phenomenon is called practical suffering.

Before we go any further, this graphic will help you understand the direction of this article:

You’ll notice all of the behaviors you want to change fall into one of those two categories (doing what you don’t want or vice versa). When we behave against our better judgment, that’s called protective behavior, which includes and is not limited to:

• People-pleasing
• Procrastination
• Perfectionism
• Overthinking
• Anticipating the worst-case scenario
• Emotional suppression
• Withdrawal
• Defensiveness
• Control-seeking
• Shaming and blaming others
• Substance use
• Self-sabotage
• Denial
• Passive-aggressiveness
• Withholding affection
• Silent treatment
• Minimizing problems
• Sarcasm
• Endless busyness
• Escapism?

Trying to change, fix, or improve protective behaviors is largely a waste of time.?

What?!?

Why?!

Firstly, because you already know you don’t want to do it, you just don’t know why you are doing it, and taking new action will not expand your levels of self-awareness. Trying to take new action without new awareness is like trying to boil water without a fire—pretty frustrating.?

As you’ll see in our Change Management Process below, awareness is the first and, therefore, most important step in change. Our preference for action over awareness has much to do with the need to feel in control.

That said, let's seek to understand our behavior so that we are led to new actions that create a more profound sense of agency.

“If I had 60 minutes to solve a problem, I’d spend 55 minutes defining it and 5 minutes solving it.” — Albert Einstein

Let’s start with a few questions:?

• Why am I behaving protectively?
• What am I trying to protect myself from?
• What needs my attention?

By asking meaningful questions, we recognize we are in an unsettled state when we behave protectively. Our fancy term for this is behaviors follow states. In fact, protective behaviors are a non-verbal form of communication letting others know we are unsettled, signaling we need support. This mechanism is a grace gift that occurs at an entirely subconscious level. Let us be thankful. ??

This connection explains why we rush to premature action—because it helps us regain a sense of control, which is another reason we shouldn’t try to stop behaving in ways we don’t understand. While we may have positive intentions, unintended consequences are real.?

“The power to question is the basis of all human progress.” — Indira Gandhi

Let’s ask a few more questions:

• Why am I unsettled?
• Why is my brain on high alert?
• What’s unresolved within me?

We must dive into our story to understand why we’re in an unsettled state.

In life, we all experience the emotional wounds of shame, abandonment, and betrayal.

They are the defining moments that, when we think back to them, feel like they just happened yesterday.?

These wounds become languages that we subconsciously “speak” through protective behaviors as a way of reenacting our past, which is a deeply unsettling experience.

Once you begin to understand the depths of behavior, you realize why they are difficult to change, which is not to say that we should try changing them. Additionally, you’ll appreciate that understanding behavior is what changes it, which is why we emphasize awareness ahead of action. Awareness creates a chain reaction!

“Don’t change the behavior, seek to understand the motivation.” — Joyce Meyer

We use this model to help our members understand their story, which transforms their behaviors.

Takeaway: Painful Experiences form Limiting Beliefs that drive Protective Behaviors and lead to Unwanted Symptoms.??

At 9 o’clock: List your Unwanted Symptoms (the challenges you’re facing)

At 6 o’clock: List your Protective Behaviors (the things you’re doing that you don’t want to do)

At 3 o’clock: List your Limiting Beliefs (what your behaviors suggest you believe about yourself)

At 12 o’clock: List your Painful Experiences (your defining moments)

When you wind up and around the wheel, you shift your focus from WHAT is happening to WHY it’s happening, transforming self-criticism into self-compassion, creating an environment whereby things change, fix, and improve themselves.?

We cover all of this in Step 1 of Our Coaching Process, which sets the stages for the following steps. It’s worth mentioning that each step promotes peaceful, powerful, and courageous living.

"The Whole Person Project helped me identify the root causes of the behaviors I wanted to change. Change wouldn’t be genuine or sustainable without knowing the reason for my current behavior. With guidance, meditation, and introspection, I was able to identify things that I was unaware were even affecting my everyday life. I’ve come to know a new appreciation and respect for myself. I find purpose and joy in most everything I do now."?

— Christina Bardi, Group Coaching Member

Key takeaways:

• Behaviors follow states: Protective behaviors are driven by unsettled emotional states.
• Awareness is key to change: Understanding why behaviors happen is more important than trying to change them immediately.
• Unsettled states stem from past wounds: Unsettled states are driven by unresolved emotiona wounds.
• Action without awareness is ineffective: True transformation begins with self-awareness, not premature action.
• Self-compassion transforms behaviors: Understanding the root causes shifts self-criticism into self-compassion, allowing organic change.

“Follow the evidence wherever it leads and question everything.” — Neil deGrasse Tyson

??To see if our change nothing, transform everything approach is right for you, check out our free trial at community.thewholepersonproject.com.

The Whole Person Project (TWPP) is a principle-based coaching company that, instead of trying to help people change, fix, or improve themselves, helps them lead peaceful, powerful, and courageous lives. Michael Rizk is the founder of TWPP and believes infinite goodness is inherent in creation. If you’d like to experience a deeply meaningful and significant life, you’ll likely enjoy the refreshing approach of TWPP.