Behavior Is Not Genetic

We act as though our behavior is genetic because we think of our identities as fixed.

We say things like, “I’m the breadwinner,” “I’m a perfectionist,” or “I’ve always been a bad listener,” as if these traits are permanent features of who we are.?

But here’s the truth: we weren’t born stubborn because we’re Tauruses, and we don’t have some inborn bravery that would land us in Gryffindor if Hogwarts ever came calling.

No disrespect to astrology or Harry Potter—but that stuff isn’t real. “Innate” behavior is like magic in the sense that it doesn’t exist.

While a strong sense of self can sometimes be grounding, more often than not, a rigid identity creates friction in our lives. When we cling too tightly to certain labels or roles, we resist change, forcing ourselves to push through life’s challenges instead of flowing with them.

For example, if you see yourself as “the breadwinner” and circumstances change—say you lose your job or your partner starts earning more—your identity becomes a trap. You’re left clinging to a label that no longer serves you, causing internal conflict and external resistance.

On the other hand, a flexible identity allows us to shed what no longer serves us and embrace what does. This is the paradox of owning who you are while not letting it define or confine you.

When we say, “This is who I am,” who exactly are we talking about??What “me” are we describing??

Most of us haven’t examined this deeply and would struggle to explain what we mean.

Holding too tightly to a rigid identity stifles growth. Instead, try asking yourself: “What if this label doesn’t apply to me anymore?” Adopt a growth mindset. Replace, “I’m bad at public speaking,” with, “I’m improving at public speaking.”

This same concept applies in all areas of life. Say you’re a husband and father at home. Viewing yourself solely as “the breadwinner” can be as restrictive as Lebron James saying, “I’m a scorer.” Lebron is Lebron because he’s not tied to one role—he’s whatever his team needs him to be in the moment. The same fluidity can help you show up for your family in ways beyond the limits of a single label.

A flexible identity isn’t about abandoning yourself—it’s about expanding yourself.

By seeing identity as a tool rather than a cage, you give yourself the freedom to adapt, grow, and succeed.