Behavior Change IRL: Reduce Any Drag from Your Inner Environment

This is the fifth installment in my series on Behavior Change in Real Life.

Here are the other links:

Part 1: Behavior Change IRL: Introduction

Part 2: Behavior Change IRL: Start Before You Start

Part 3: Behavior Change IRL: Focus on Both the Journey and the Destination

Part 4: Behavior Change IRL: Align the External Environment So It's Right...For You

This series is exploring all the approaches to behavior change I have encountered and leveraged in 50 years of studying the topic at both the individual and organizational levels.

Here is the taxonomy I am using to organize the various approaches:

?I. Start Before You Start

?II. Focus on Both the Destination and the Journey

III. Align the External Environment So It’s Right…for You

IV. Reduce Any Drag from Your Inner Environment?

?V. Access the Deeper Pools of Motivation

VI. Change the Game

IV. Reduce Any Drag from Your Inner Environment

Skinner was concerned with observable actions and how they arose from the experience of reward and punishment.? Period.? To him, the mind and mental processes were not only uninteresting, but they were also unnecessary.

But even if you were the perfect Skinnerian, followed the last installment to a T and aligned the external environment perfectly, behavior change is still hard.?

Part of the reason changing our behavior is so hard is that all of us, to one degree or another, have this annoying habit of getting in our own way.??

On a good day, we just second guess ourselves about what we are doing or why.? Or we doubt our progress or our ability to keep up the pace and not regress.?

On a bad day, our thoughts and inner voices excoriate our efforts, our progress, sometimes even our very worth as a human being.

Sorry, Dr. Skinner.? The mind is real and can be a real positive force for change as with the affirmation and visualization the we talked about in a previous installment.

But our minds can often work against us. ?

Thus, behavioral change IRL means that inner drag has to be dealt with if we are going to make the targeted changes.?

Part of the reason changing our behavior is so hard is that all of us, to one degree or another, have this annoying habit of getting in our own way.?

Some of the more psychologically minded reading this and beginning to get their head around where I am going might be starting to howl in protest, thinking that this installment is going to be about dismissing feelings or “running over” inner doubts and sensations in the service of goal accomplishment or some “prime directive.”?

To which I say, “Yes, that's correct.”?

This section is about how to work with voices and feelings that are fighting what you are trying to do, so you can keep pushing and get to where you are trying to go.?

Finishing Crossfit’s Murph WOD (workout of the day) is damn hard.? Facing your fear of public speaking so you can not only get up on stage, but can also actually get good at it is damn hard.?

You can’t expect every part of you to be “Hell yes. Let’s do this” throughout the Murph WOD or every time you go to speak in public.

Doubts about your ability to be successful are real.? The urge to quit is real. ?If you want to keep progressing, you’re going to have to find a way to work with those quitting, doubting urges so they don't scupper your efforts.

But hang in there with me.? A forthcoming installment in this series...Changing the Game...will address how and when to pay attention to and even honor those inner doubts and fears and to use their wisdom to chart a different course.

In this section:

• What’s Your Story?
• Don’t Swing at Bad Pitches
• Work with “Dissenting” Voices?
• Physician Heal Thy Self and The Power of Cognitive Dissonance
• Avoid Snatching?Defeat from the Jaws of Victory:?Upper Limits
• Leverage the Mind-Body Connection to Support Your Inner Work

What’s Your Story?

As mentioned, when we begin to make behavioral changes, we are often undermined by our own critical thoughts.? Thoughts like, “You aren’t doing it right.” “You aren’t doing enough.”? “You aren’t changing fast enough," and, "oh, you’re also an idiot.” Rarely are these thoughts objectively true.??

In many ways, we don’t really live in the world…we live in our stories about the world.? In this What’s Your Story section, you take your thoughts apart in search of distortions.??

No one has done more to unravel the web of stories we live in than Byron Katie.? She has a whole methodology she calls The Work for first getting clear on the stories you are telling and then taking them apart to see what’s true, what’s a projection, how the opposite of your story can be true, etc.

Getting even the smallest gap between you and your story can avoid a lot of wheel-spinning and reactive behavior.

If you are not yet familiar with it, it is impossible to over emphasize the ground-shaking power of her approach.

Getting even the smallest gap between you and your story can avoid a lot of wheel-spinning and reactive behavior.

Don't Swing at Bad Pitches

In the last section, we noticed the thoughts that were being woven into stories in our mind and we analyzed those stories to try to find and get distance from the distortions.

With the Don’t Swing at Bad Pitches approach, we note a thought we are having..."judgement," "criticism," "shaming."? We don’t analyze it.? We watch it come, go, and turn into another thought, and we make a conscious choice not to react to it.??

Not reacting to thoughts is a mainstay of meditation and other contemplative approaches.?

With this approach, a negative judgment about your goal, your own internal criticism of your effort, uncertainty about whether you have the "right stuff" are all just thoughts arising in the mind.?

Having a thought doesn't mean the thought is true. And it also doesn’t mean you have to do anything in response to the thought.??

For example, if you have the thought that you are not making enough progress or that you are a total loser, you needn’t stop what you are doing.? One option is to just continue to do what you are doing towards the accomplishment of your goal, while having those negative thoughts.

Some contemplative approaches recommend acknowledging/labeling the thought or the voice.?

You might say to yourself, "Oh, it’s you, Mr. Put Down.? Thank you for coming to visit me again.? Now have a seat and make yourself comfortable while I finish this outline I am working on.”?(The spirit of this equanimous approach is beautifully captured in Rumi’s poem, The Guest House.)

One option is to just continue to do what you are doing towards the accomplishment of your goal, while having those negative thoughts.

I am not trying to add meditation to your to-do list, which is probably already busting at the seams.?

But, in the context of behavior change, it can be useful to remember that all those negative thoughts you are having, are, well, just thoughts. And as mentioned, a viable option is to just ignore them and keep going.?

In her letters, Mother Teresa revealed her barren inner landscape and the "dryness," darkness," "loneliness," and "torture" she felt. It didn't stop her from picking people up from the streets and ministering to the poorest of the poor around the world.

And plenty star athletes live in fear of being in the spotlight, but take the shot anyway while they keep working on their mental blocks.

If the negative thoughts become pervasive and overwhelming and you are not a canonized saint, you will likely need more support, and I will address that in subsequent sections.

Working with “Dissenting” Voices

Parts Work Therapy, also known as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is an approach to psychotherapy developed by Richard Schwartz that focuses on exploring and understanding the different "parts" or aspects of an individual's personality.?

These parts can be thought of as distinct aspects of oneself or sub-personalities. For example, there may be a child-like playful part, a caretaker, a critic, or a quixotic dreamer, among others.

These various inner parts are thought to emerge as a way to cope with past experiences or trauma, protect oneself against life's slings and arrows, or help manage certain emotions or situations.

When we decide to change and move in a new direction, all our inner parts might not support the new direction.? They might start dissenting and “sabotaging” (from the new direction’s perspective!) the desired changes.

Imagine someone who is struggling with a conflict between a part of her that wants to pursue new employment options (the “Explorer” part) and another part that is more conservative and doesn’t like risk and prefers to stay in the safety of her current job (the “Safety-first” part).

In Parts or IFS work, she might start by acknowledging that both parts exist within her and have valid concerns. Some schools of thought even suggest that she give the part a name to make the voice and the voice's validity more salient, for example Ethel the Explorer or Suzie Safety.

With the help of a therapist/coach, she explores the underlying intentions of each part. She discovers that Ethel wants personal development, excitement, and a sense of adventure. On the other hand, Suzie seeks a steady paycheck from a big company and the stability, predictability, and protection that come from that.

In working on this, she asks the two parts questions and encourages them to listen to one another. The therapist ensures that both parts have a chance to be heard without judgment.?

As Ethel and Suzie engage in dialogue, they begin to understand each other better. Through negotiation, they start to find common ground and a solution that might allow both safety and exploration.

"I can't guarantee you positivity works, but I can guarantee you that negativity works the wrong way."

One very common “part” is often referred to as an “inner critic.”? The inner critic, which is doubting and unsure (on a good day), and vitriolic and sabotaging (on a bad day), is a part of us all.??In fact, it is so prevalent in people’s lives that there are whole classes on how to work with just this one inner part.??

Successful athletes and high-level performers across all domains have figured out how to manage this nagging, critical voice.

They consistently find ways to engage in positive behaviors that improve their ability to perform while consistently avoiding the counterproductive behaviors some of these dissenting, critical inner voices are often advocating for.??

All of us have to find ways to work around the negative self-talk if we are going to be successful with our goals and change efforts.

Should you instead choose to forge ahead without attempting to deal with your inner critic and the other dissenting voices, I think there are two important things to keep in mind.?

First, your work is going to be a lot harder.?

The late sports psychologist, Trevor Moawad, who worked with some of the biggest names and teams in college and professional football, as well as the Navy SEALs, said, "I can't guarantee you positivity works, but I can guarantee you negativity works the wrong way."

Second, as you try to keep pushing through the inner criticism, just remember whose boot that is on your neck.

Don’t Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory: Upper Limits??

Gay Hendricks, a renowned author and personal development expert, introduced the concept of "upper limits" in his book The Big Leap.

According to Hendricks, upper limits are self-imposed barriers that prevent individuals from experiencing greater levels of success, happiness, and fulfillment in their lives.

In the context of behavior change, these self-imposed barriers are thoughts, feelings, or stories that can come out, often when you are very near accomplishing what you set out to do.? It is almost as if these internal gremlins are trying to “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.”

But I highlighted the Upper Limits manifestation of our stories because of when they come up…after significant progress or near the finish line.

Hendricks outlines four manifestations:

1. Feeling Fundamentally Flawed: leads to feelings of unworthiness and self-sabotage. It can manifest as a fear of success, as individuals may believe they don't deserve success or fear that their flaws will be exposed.
2. Disloyalty and Abandonment: this hidden barrier says, “If I am disloyal to my roots, my tribe will leave me, and I will end up alone.”
3. More Success will Bring More Problems: This is a kind of “sour grapes” belief: “I am going to walk away from this because it will just bring more and bigger problems that I don’t need.”? The stories one has about what is on the other side of accomplishing the objective cause one to pull back.
4. The Crime of Outshining Others: This upper limit is associated with a fear of outshining others or making them feel inferior. Individuals may hold themselves back from achieving their full potential to avoid standing out and potentially facing criticism or rejection from others.

To overcome upper limits, Hendricks suggests several strategies, including being mindful of self-sabotaging thoughts, taking gradual steps to expand one’s comfort zone, and (as discussed in the installment on Aligning the External Environment) surrounding yourself with people who are working on self-development and punching through big barriers.

You might be thinking, “Aren’t Upper Limits just another variation of my “stories” about a situation?"? The short answer is, "Yes."

But I highlighted the Upper Limits manifestation of our stories because of when they come up…after significant progress or near the finish line.

Behavior change in real life means being aware of these near-the-finish-line gremlins and guarding against them.

Physician Heal Thy Self and The Power of Cognitive Dissonance

This technique asks you to imagine that a friend came to you with the same behavioral change objective you have, complaining about the same thing that is holding you back, and then asks you to articulate what you would advise this friend to do.

From there, given your advice to your friend, you are ask to reflect on whether that counsel and course of action are options for you.? In other words, should you take your own medicine?

At first blush, this approach seems to rely on logic:? just do what you advise others to do.

If that was all there was to it, I wouldn’t have included it.?

Logic alone rarely changes behavior, even when the consequences for not changing behavior are life threatening.?

Think of cognitive dissonance as a source of psychic energy that works to try to close the gap between what you say you are, how you say you want to live, or what you say you want to do and what is actually happening.?

I included this approach because I feel it contains something more than logic.? I think it also 1) is about identity and 2) leverages the power of cognitive dissonance…the tension created between the gap of what you would advise others to do and what you are currently doing.??

Internal consistency in thoughts, beliefs, emotions, values, attitudes, and actions/behaviors is a powerful motivating force for many.? Not being consistent creates psychological discomfort or dissonance, which has been shown to create pull for changing behavior.

Think of cognitive dissonance as a source of psychic energy that works to try to close the gap between what you say you are, how you say you want to live, or what you say you want to do and the reality on the ground.?

This psychic energy is powerful, and, properly harnessed, can help you make the changes you want to make.

Leverage the Mind-Body Connection to Support Your Inner Work

This whole section heretofore has focused on ways to begin to notice the thoughts running in the background and to have enough aplomb to analyze them, decide what is true and what is not, and decide when to act on them and when to ignore them.

It is easy to think of this work as just being mental.?

But your physiology and the control of your physiology has a huge impact on being able to slow down the action, pause, see the context, consider alternatives, and choose.

That there is a connection between the state of our physical body and our cognition is completely obvious.?

But in practice, we are often not thinking about how to shore up our physiology to support our inner work.

HRV is being thought of as a biomarker of not only physical, but also psychological resilience.?

There are multiple ways to measure the adaptability of your physiology, but one that has ballooned in popularity is Heart Rate Variability (HRV). HRV is a measure of the amount of variation there is in the time between heartbeats.?

I first encountered HRV over a decade ago when I was the Strength & Conditioning coach for a youth travel hockey team.? In its early days (and also still today), it was used as a measure of an athlete’s degree of recovery.?

If HRV readings were high, you were ready to train hard and benefit from that training.? If your HRV scores were low, you had not fully recovered and piling on more training might actually be counterproductive.

But today HRV is being thought of as a biomarker of not only physical, but also psychological resilience.?

A high HRV score gives you more control over your autonomic responses before, during, and after stressors occur.? A stressor, for example, like crippling self-talk.

But even more broadly, without this control of your physiology, you will simply not be able to operate as your best self in situations of high stress or where consistently high performance is needed across the vagaries of the game, the VC pitch, the negotiation, or the quarter.?

Which explains, in part, why creative types, hedge fund managers, senior executives, first responders and the like are monitoring their HRV and using techniques like resonance breathing to try to improve it so they are better able to consistently perform at their best.?

You (and, for any coaches reading this, your clients) are not a brain in a vat, but a whole person, with a beating human heart.

As such, you might want to augment all that talk therapy with measuring and improving HRV because, as it turns out, that beating human heart may hold the key to successful behavior change and goal accomplishment.?

If you want to “skate where the puck is going, not to where it’s been” in this ever evolving world of behavior change and successful goal accomplishment, I'd get smart about HRV. In my view, that's where the puck is going.

Conclusion: Reduce Any Drag from Your Inner Environment??

In the lab, when you are trying to get pigeons or rats to do something new, you don’t have to worry about their negative thoughts, dissenting parts, inner critics and at-the-finish-line gremlins.? But when you are trying to change behavior IRL, you do.??

You have to count on these negative thoughts showing up, often at the worst time, and skill-build around handling them when they occur.?

A failure to address these thought patterns might mean you fail to make the needed changes in a timely manner.? In circles where consistently high performance is required, that could be career ending.

Reducing drag from your inner environment then is not a step you can afford to ignore.

The next iteration in this series will take a pause on chipping through to the six sections of approaches to shine a light on one particular approach. Behavior Change IRL: When the Needed Change is Existential.

Dennis Adsit, Ph.D. is the President of Adsum Insights and designer of The First 100 Days and Beyond, a consulting service for leaders in transition who need to get off to the best possible start in their new job.