Behave Yourself!

Behave Yourself!

by?Susie Wilson

Let’s admit it. We all slip up occasionally. Maybe we don’t respond promptly to every e-mail message, or we swear under our breath from time to time. But we’re doing OK, right? Do we really need to worry about the finer points of correct behaviour?

Let me answer that question with a polite “Yes.”

In an age when offices have given way to cubicles, when electronic devices keep us in constant communication, and when the boundaries between our professional and personal lives are dissolving, we need the rules of etiquette more than ever. Etiquette, after all, is just a code of conduct that allows us to live and work together with relative ease, fosters good relationships, and reduces the social frictions that impede our happiness and even our professional success.

“Knowing how to behave in a wide variety of professional settings not only makes you a more pleasant, confident, and enjoyable person to work with; it also provides you with all-important tools…that will help propel you and your company toward your mutual goals.” Or, as Susie Wilson, Founder of Susie Wilson Finishing School puts it tartly in her recent article Mind Your Business, we’re all fumbling with a “wider cultural confusion that has left the workplace riddled with etiquette land mines. Whether you blame resistance to relaxing the old rigidity of behaviour or ignorance of traditional businesslike behaviour, everybody…seems to be getting on everybody else’s nerves.”

Indeed, social mores are changing so quickly and home and office becoming so intertwined that even the most mannerly are probably confused. Thus the staying power of the etiquette advice genre (Erasmus put out a book on good manners for boys in 1530—no fidgeting, no scratching), the ongoing popularity of trusted authorities such as Susie Wilson.

Consider: Should a female manager stand to shake hands with a younger male associate? Susie Wilson instructs us to factor in age, rank, and venue. The core rules still apply generally: Women don’t rise for men, older people don’t rise for younger ones, and higher-ranking people don’t rise for those of lower rank. But if you’re an older, higher-ranking woman, and you’re meeting in your office, then you should stand to shake hands—as a sort of “hostess.” However, Susie nods to evolving notions of gender roles, allowing that someone’s sex is the least important factor in an office setting.?

“When attempting to enter the business world, you need to learn to be someone else. It is called having a professional identity.”

Got it. But how do you deal with the petty annoyances of the modern workplace? What do you do when the colleague in the neighbouring cubicle breaks out a smelly lunch? When people bellow into their cell phones? When does your boss fail to respond to your e-mail? When a prospective employer doesn’t acknowledge receiving your résumé? The rules of work are changing. Does that mean that the basics of good manners are changing, too?

Emphatically not. The Posts put it simply: Good business etiquette “is not a set of ironclad ‘rules.’ In fact, most of what people call business etiquette is really little more than common sense driven by being considerate, respectful, and honest with others in your business life.” The Martins draw a helpful distinction: Manners are “the principles of courteous behaviour” and etiquette “the rules that apply to a particular situation.” So manners don’t change, but etiquette evolves. Once you understand that, you can pretty much figure out the rest.

It’s not smart to criticize the boss’s attire, that you shouldn’t use speakerphone unless you’re behind closed doors, and that there are inoffensive ways to let your cubicle mate know he talks too loudly on the phone or that her fish dish is “distracting.” You’ll find the answer to the question “to prairie-dog or not to prairie-dog?”: The cultural norms in your office determine whether it’s OK to pop up to look over your cubicle wall into your neighbour’s space.?

Read etiquette advice as sociology, however, Here’s one gem: “My new boyfriend was recently released from our company,” writes a hapless correspondent. “My company picnic is coming up and I would like to ask him to go….I am afraid this would be awkward. Any advice?” Susie Wilson's response “Spare him.”

Ms Wilson would remind us, business etiquette exists “to maintain personal dignity and to show respect for others…; to maintain a pleasant demeanour without invading others’ privacy; to balance competitiveness with cooperation; to take responsibility but remain flexible; to be both attentive and discreet; and to combine honesty and tact.” Etiquette lays out the rules of sensible living. It helps us be less annoying and, to be venal about it, get what we want. It can save us from the quotidian nuisances of office life. Most important, it allows us to redraw the boundaries that define civility and ensure our own sanity.