Beginning at the End

Oddly, I didn't feel how I thought I would.

As the eldest of 3, I've always felt a bit uncoordinated when taking the next major step in my life. I've had no direct example to work off of, something I'm eternally jealous of my younger siblings for and the reason why with novel experiences I often look inwards to figure out a way forward.

My newest endeavour to raise existential questions? Full-time Employment.

The good news is that I’m no longer living the age-old tale of post-graduation job search anxiety (S/O to anyone reading this that’s there right now - hold in there, this story is for you). I got fortunate and am now proudly working full-time at Trend Hunter. 

As a company that wasn't even on my radar, it's mind-boggling to me that this is where I found my first opportunity. A one-of-a-kind Canadian market research firm that hosts top-rated global conferences all centred on advising companies when it comes to innovation and creating their future. To start my career in a field that's genuinely interesting to me, aligns with my studies, ambitions, and identity is far more than I could’ve asked for. And while this article is not focused on the culture of Trend Hunter, it's been something truly special to experience. 

All anyone hopes for is a good opportunity and I will always remember the moment when I was offered the full-time position from the contract I was hired on. 

To feel like someone was actually willing to take a chance on me and give me that commitment meant more than words. I could now confidently start to live my life, start my career and establish myself legitimately after such worry that this day would never come. The accomplishment of becoming full-time at any company is not one that should be overlooked and truth be told I needed some time immediately after to process what achieving that meant for me. 

So here I am, right:

Nervous to graduate with the degree I wanted (check),

Nervous to find a full-time job (check),

Nervous to find employment in Toronto in an area relevant to my ambitions (check),

All of these boxes have been ticked, the many pieces of my development are starting to fall into place, and I'm sitting where I wanted to be: in a full-time role downtown Toronto at an incredibly interesting and innovative company.

Yet, I haven't fallen into the blissful state of self-realization I expected now that I've established myself in this next phase of my life. Even though I've got the full-time position and am surrounded by incredibly supportive coworkers that have demonstrated belief in my abilities, it's somehow not enough.

I've not found that sense of security; I'm still filled with personal doubts and lingering thoughts of imposter syndrome even though paradoxically I'm sitting in the seat that I once thought would prove those feelings irrational.

It’s frustrating. Scary, frankly, to think you’re where you wanted to be and it’s not glorious or fulfilling. My close friends will know all too well that almost every night I’d fall back into a state of anxiety and confusion. I'd spend far too much time asking myself the same questions over and over:

"Do I not know what I’m doing?

Do I not know myself well enough to know what I want?

What is it going to take to make myself feel confident that I’m enough?".

I began to realize it doesn't stop with ticking off of all those boxes: the anxiety of change, the fear of the unknown, the self-doubt in one's ability, they're all still with me. The perspective I held in thinking that those inner feelings would begin to go away with these achievements was flat out wrong.

Faced with an uncomfortable amount of cognitive dissonance I was really confused as to where fulfillment would present itself. Thankfully, meditation was my key to zoom out a little, to gain the right perspective.

When I say meditation I want to clarify what I mean. I have no professional mentor, no formal background in the practice, it's a simple self-taught exercise anyone can take part in. When I practice this I focus on eliminating any external stimulation and focusing inwards, where does my mind choose to wander and why.

Allowing myself to focus completely on my thoughts was effective for a couple of reasons.

1. Firstly, in defining my thoughts it allowed me to separate from them, essential when trying to analyze them objectively and with control.
2. Secondly, I then enabled myself to think beyond initial emotional responses. For example, a thought that would normally trigger a sense of anxiety is challenged by the notion of 'What comes next?'. By doing this I can begin to move past an instinctive, emotional response and think through a more pragmatic one, usually much less dramatic and closer to the truth. 

What's been the result of these sessions for me?

Beginning at the End.

Using 'End' as a representation of the job, position, or sense of achievement I think will bring fulfillment, the question I ask myself is:

"What would I do if I was now at the End? If I had everything I thought I needed for fulfillment, what kind of life would I want to sustain afterward?".

This can be taken with the optimistic view that you can tap into that state of fulfillment early, or a pessimistic one that waiting for the day that you will reach ‘fulfillment’ will never come but regardless of the chosen narrative, in both cases, you now begin to look beyond. 

I don't think it would be helpful for someone to pretend they're a billionaire and should shift the life they live to that state. Rather, I want to focus on identifying what internally is to be sustained when one reaches a sense of fulfillment, as there's obviously life to live beyond that day. 

To help elaborate on what I mean, I’ll use the contrast between these two symbols.

The symbol above is a representation of my previous understanding of fulfillment. With the circle representing my life and the middle representing the parts I hoped would become accessed by fulfillment, I sought to work hard at all costs around the edges in hopes that one day I’d reach fulfillment. Only then I would be fulfilled and ready to enjoy all that life had for me, represented by the empty space within that’s actually never touched during the cycle. 

The second symbol above is my new understanding. While I have not achieved a state of fulfillment yet, maybe that isn’t necessary to enjoy a life of fulfillment. If I begin to see myself as the fulfilled and empowered person that could access those sides of my life, I can start to access them right now. It is by no accident that the arrows in this diagram reflect the dynamic of the yin-yang symbol, an emphasis on the balance of life as the ultimate fulfillment we seek and not an arbitrary achievement that will change life forever. 

At its most complex, I want to fundamentally shift the paradigm that fulfillment is a linear process to a circular one. As the former is likely a result of convenience due to my familiarity with other systems, like experiencing time or graduating from school. 

At its most basic, if I am who I hope I’ll become, what is the internal flame that will keep my soul warm?

Exploring that question is now what excites me in this next phase of my life. 

Beginning at the End, set to explore the space in-between.

(and hunting some trends while I'm at it!)