The Beginning at the End

Every story has its great fall but what if that great fall was truly the start of your greatest triumph? I have had a lot unfold in my life. The roles I committed to as a wife and mother came with so much more than I could have ever anticipated. Yet in every moment I was able to find a way to push myself further while overcoming the obstacles I was being faced with. I love the saying, “Beauty can come from pain”. I am reminded by the personal losses of my life that have impacted my work as an artist and philanthropist. I now see that it was all preparing me for the greatest fall I would face, the one that I never saw coming, the one that has made me feel the most happiest and confident, the one that unfolded exactly a year ago today. My divorce.?

“Bad Guy”

It’s funny how we see ourselves evolve. If you haven’t taken the time to reflect, I suggest you do. I love to reflect daily and sometimes it’s an unhealthy trigger but it allows me to face the truths that I need to face in order to keep myself moving forward. My divorce was completely a blind side and unfolded while I had just been diagnosed with a chronic condition, Lichen Sclerosis by my OBGYN. In addition I had to get a biopsy done to ensure it wasn’t cancer. I was left feeling useless. Was it because I complained about intimacy? Has my body betrayed me so much that now my husband finds me useless? Well little did I know that days after our 6 year anniversary the truth would come out and that would be my saving grace. I had to accept the truth that my marriage had been over, I was unaware of it but now I needed to pivot, plan out and ensure me and my girls were on the path to healing.?

I’ll never forget the words I said.. “I’m not angry with you. I’m not mad at you..I’m disappointed and I’m hurt but I forgive you.”?

I knew that forgiving would be my only way to truly stay focused on the next steps I had to take. I wanted to avoid being blinded by hatred or sadness but to see God’s grace in this situation and follow him. That first week I was unsure of how I was gonna get groceries, how I was gonna do it alone and what to tell my two beautiful little girls. That first week was the absolute hardest. “Where is daddy?” “Why is he not here to do my thumbs up?” I finally cried and softly told them.. “I don’t know. Mommy doesn’t know where daddy is and I’m sorry”. We sat there holding each other. Unsure of what this “new normal” was and just held on to what we had-one another.?

I reminded myself minute to minute..”I forgave him.” It kept me focused. Neighbors and the church community stepped in. Helping me with advice, support and money for the week for groceries as I tried to figure out where we had to move in less than 30 days. The day of my biopsy I shared tears, true pain as my mother in law sat with me as I was cut open and stitched by my OBGYN. She held my hand through it all but as I returned home to rest the madness unfolded-as I was being gaslighted in front of her by my ex. Standing in physical pain, with no support and emotionally drained. It was hard to realize at that moment that I was now not part of her family. I was on my own in a city with a friend and zero family. That day is also when he told me he was moving out, hid his new Audi and started living HIS life. My headspace at that moment was still thinking of how our lives were being forced upside down and what my results would be. Cancer or no Cancer. I still continued to gather myself everyday. Look for a new place, work hard for income and pack up for me and the girls.?

Being told, “ I know I am the bad guy in this and I’ve accepted it.”?

Not only showed me how disconnected this man had been but he was ready for his new life. So here is my official congratulations to you on your greatest loss, and my greatest gain.?

Two Homes

Moving in and moving out was the hardest and most exhausting thing I have ever had to do. I planned it out where the girls would be in school, and when they got out their whole room and bathroom in the new apartment would be done. I wanted them to feel as if they just magically appeared and help lessen the stress of feeling all that they were feeling. For those who don’t know, my two daughters have Autism. They both are very different and handle stress and input at a different pace and way. So keeping them consistent is a powerful key to help them process and function. So I was trying my hardest to give them not just consistency but show them how I would be their security at a new level. I was bruised, sore and physically still healing from my biopsy but I got it done. I had family drive over 5 hrs to come and be with me. I sobbed in their arms, and felt overwhelmed with love. I still was juggling two jobs, my daughters, processing what had just been revealed within my marriage while filing through next steps with a lawyer, still on edge about my cancer results and accepting a new chronic diagnosis. My daughters and I have gotten so close. One who talks most to me about everything tells me daily..”I don’t want two homes. Daddy doesn’t tell me why he wanted a home.” I just hold her, I tell her I’m sorry and I also tell her I didn’t want two homes, but I remind her that we have everything we need, we are together and we have 3 promises that she knows by heart. I will always do my best to help her, to show her that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel upset about the new dynamic but to always remember what makes her happy when she is here and when she is there with her dad. I remind her that those things are most important and to think of those happy thoughts to help brighten her spirit. We also remind each other that God is with us. And that only he can help give us peace and keep us going.?

Which is what I have to believe in daily to know that he will continue to provide for us. Since this separation I have had to ask and follow up on child support. I was told in the beginning that “I am getting it together” -then turned into no response back. I don’t understand how you claim to be a father but yet have had zero effort in ever asking if the girls need anything or can help with anything to ensure your children have what they need. I guess it’s because he knows deep down I will make it happen for them. Walking away from a responsibility has consequences and I am now taking those next steps to enforce what is rightfully owed to the girls. I am now speaking out loud, sharing my truths and speaking up on the realities of what THIS divorce has been like. It will be an unpopular opinion to share but at the end of the day- this is my journey and I hope to inspire any parent who finds themselves in this same situation.

I work hard to make ends meet. I have had to adjust my daily life, personal wants, and my sleep. Getting out of my comfort zone and finding my inner confidence of being a single mom has been a lot of work but it’s happening everyday and I learn as I go. Tired, exhausted, but doing it as fashionably as I can on a budget. #singlemomlife I can now say that we have moved out of the 2 bedroom apartment and into a HOUSE. With that huge accomplishment I had to also accept that this year I couldn't afford new clothes or shoes for the girls. I know it’s temporary because I just had us move again in less than a year, paying two leases, utilities, school supplies and bills- I just couldn't budget in the “new stuff” for school. As I remind Emma, I must also remind myself- we have what we need, we are together and God is with us. I know it’ll work out, God hasn’t let us down yet.

Just Beginning

As I close, I now have finally just begun. I now see the awful truths that were hidden and covered up by “love” and I know that I have walked away with such peace because I know what I gave to not just that marriage but for our entire family as a whole. Now I know that everything I will do and continue to create is now as a single mom and it is intended to be for the two little girls who will look back and not see a broken woman but see a believer in Christ, a woman who never gave up and did it on her own. They will see how God not only carried us out of the situation but blessed every step we took forward.

I love that me and the girls say this is OUR HOME, this is OUR MONEY, and this is OUR CAR. Everything is OURS.

We work together to make it happen, and they help me stay focused. I am about to showcase art work as a 100 Latine artist in the World Trade Center during UNGA 78, completed a certification with Yale School of Management , continue to work with the Houston Texans on various projects, launch new collaborations and collections with SHEIN, amplify my sons story and advocate for Sepsis, build trust and valuable core memories with my daughters and build an empire slowly around "The Lofty Mom". I am also now the proud Vice President of Creative and Strategy for Vult Lab , an independent contractor through The Lofty Mom, a Latina Artist, Fashion Designer for SHEIN, and the most important job- being a mother and advocate for my two beautiful girls and son in heaven. Thank you for giving me my story, Thank you for creating the woman I needed to become. Thank you for giving me my three best reasons to live and allowing me to provide for them in ways I never thought I could. I thank YOU God for it all.?