“Begin with the End in Mind”

Establishing a vision for your marriage

In the classic leadership book by Stephen R. Covey, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, one of the most compelling of the seven characteristics Covey highlights is the concept of having a vision for your future. He calls it - Beginning with the end in mind. In other words, rather than spending your life working aimlessly, tackling whatever the next issue or task is at hand, Covey asserts that “highly effective people always have a vision for the future and align their actions accordingly to make it into a reality”. Effective and successful people decide where they want to be, what they want to achieve, what result they hope for and then take steps to achieve that goal. Here’s the big secret, while they establish an objective and start taking steps to reach it, they also remain flexible, often adjusting the steps along the way, but never losing sight of their ultimate goals. 

So, sounds like a great concept for personal growth and time management, but isn’t this blog supposed to be about marriage and relationship issues? What does this have to do with your marriage that’s currently a big mess? Well, the fact of the matter is it has everything to do with your marriage. Just as in our individual lives, if you lack a specific goal or vision, or you’ve never really established a greater purpose for your marriage, then you’re likely plodding through life day-by-day spending your precious time casting about aimlessly. You may find yourselves moving from one issue or challenge to another with occasional glimpses of ‘success’ along the way, but nothing of lasting impact seems to be happening. Then, one day, you take inventory of your life and realize that some of expectations and dreams you once had never really came to fruition. You may begin to question your relationship, perhaps a seed discontentment takes root that, left unattended, can begin to grow. Proverbs 29:18 states that “Where there is no vision, the people perish”-that’s true of us as individuals and as couples.

Along the years, I’ve been blessed to be able to mentor a few guys about their role as husbands and what that role requires. One of the very first things I always do is challenge them about their legacy. I simply ask these questions:

1) How do you want to be remembered as a husband and father at the end of your life?

2) What dream or aspiration do you have for your wife, your kids, even your grandkids

3) What are you doing today, now, to bring that to fruition? 

In almost every case, the answers are similar – ‘I’ve never really thought about it’. Or, ‘I think I did that once as part of some study but can’t remember where I put it’. So, I challenge them to spend some time reflecting and praying on it - then write it out in the form of a legacy statement. Carla and I have done the same thing with couples using the same exercise and the impact it has is often dramatic and very impactful. A couple with a shared vision or purpose that calls them to higher ground naturally pulls together and perseveres through tough times.

So, what is a legacy statement? Simply put, its a short, but meaningful, paragraph or two that describes a future state that you desire to see in your life, your marriage and your family. Often, a legacy statement will include things like: ‘we want to be great parents that loved our kids well’; ‘We want to have a long-term healthy and fruitful marriage’; ‘We want to have kids that grow up loving and following the Lord’; ‘We want to be known as humble people that put others first’; ‘We want long-term financial stability’. Whatever the final wording, the goals are usually lofty, worthwhile, and challenging. They describe a future aspirational state where lasting and impactful results are achieved.

Not surprisingly, I’ve never once read a legacy statement that said: ‘We want an OK marriage that hopefully doesn’t end in divorce’; or ‘We want average kids’; or ‘We want to be remembered as lukewarm believers. In fact, all of us desire great things for our future and we want a great marriage that is impactful and meaningful. But those things don’t happen by chance. As followers of Jesus, we know that He desires those things for us AND he equips us with everything we need to make them a reality. But He requires us to take action, step out in faith, be intentional - as James instructs us: “be a doer of the Word not a hearer only”.

So, here’s the pivotal question for you and your spouse – what is your vision and what are you doing right now to make your it a reality?

Take the time to reflect with your spouse – dream about what you want your future to be. Then write it down in your own legacy statement. Begin with the end in mind – set your course and start working towards it today. Dream big – we have a big God!

As an example, this is the legacy statement my wife of 36 years, Carla, and I have written:

We desire a marriage that:

Stands the test of time as God-honoring, faithful, mutually forgiving, and keeps short accounts with each other

Is marked by open affection, humor, and selflessness to each other, our family and those that God brings into our circle.

Puts Christ, His Word, and His will as the focal point of our hearts, minds, and souls and then actively model it in our daily lives.

Invests and passes on eternal Biblical truths to our family – children, sons-in-law, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Our goal is that they each call Jesus Lord and savior and live it out in truth and practice. Duet 6:5-7

Gives back to other couples that are hurting, broken, or simply desiring to draw closer to God’s amazing model for marriage done His way.

Is real, authentic and transparent. We want to be free and “comfortable in our skins” to be the same Tim and Carla regardless of where we are, what we’re doing, or who we engage.

Never “coasts”, lives in the past, or becomes an “old wineskin”. We want to be alive, filled with joy, and excited about every day – regardless of the season of life.

We want to be rich in eternal things, not bound by earthly treasure, and generous with whatever time, treasure, or talent the Lord graciously gives us.