Befriending your kid- an inch closer to interpersonal communication

Sakshi’s?parents were overly assertive and vigilant towards her. She was expected to follow rules even though a lot of them did not make sense to her. They would often check her phone and many times without her permission. She had a strict curfew and was barely allowed to leave her house apart from school or tuition. Incase Sakshi broke the rules her parents would punish her without hearing her out first. Things continued the way they were and Sakshi adapted. She started to lie and sneak around to avoid her mom's constant monitoring, and the lack of trust between them caused a lot of conflict and resentment.

One day, Sakshi's mom caught her roaming around with her friends after school, despite her rigid instructions to not waste time goofing with friends, resulting in a big fight. Seeing this become a pattern, Sakshi's mom realized that her lack of trust was damaging their relationship and hindering Sakshi's development. She apologized and they sat down to talk about how to befriend each other, their discussion led them to establish that they need to work on building trust and on improving communication. Sakshi's mom started to give her more independence and trust her to make her own decisions, and over time, their relationship improved and the trust between them grew.

Trust between a parent and their tween

Trust in a parent-child relationship refers to the mutual belief and confidence that parents and children have in each other. It involves a sense of respect, understanding, and support, and enables parents and children to communicate openly and honestly, to support each other's needs and wants, and to navigate the challenges and changes of life together.

Trust is an essential component of a healthy and positive parent-child relationship, and can help to foster a sense of connection, respect, and autonomy in children.

Here are a few techniques for you to try with your kid:

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●????Communicate openly and honestly: This means having regular conversations with your tween where you are open to listening to their thoughts and feelings, and being honest and transparent with them about your own. It's important to create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection.

●????Support their autonomy and independence: This means giving your tween the freedom to make their own decisions and take ownership of their actions, and advocating for their needs and wants. This may involve allowing them to take on more responsibilities and giving them the space to explore their interests and passions.

●????Be consistent and dependable: This means following through on your promises and being consistent in your words and actions. It's important to be flexible and adaptable in your boundaries and expectations, but also to be dependable and reliable in your interactions with your tween.

●????Apologize and forgive: This means admitting when you are wrong and apologizing to your tween, and being open to forgiveness and reconciliation. It's important to model healthy communication and conflict resolution skills for your tween, and to show them that it's okay to make mistakes and to work through conflicts in a healthy way.

●????Seek support if needed: If you are struggling to build trust with your tween, it can be helpful to seek support from other parents, a therapist, or a support group. This can provide you with additional resources and guidance to help you navigate the challenges of parenting a tween, and can help you feel more supported and less overwhelmed.

At one point Sakshi’s mother felt struck. Her own parents were not the best examples to demonstrate how to navigate situations and have a smooth interpersonal communication with a tween. She got in touch with a psychologist and these are the techniques she learnt:

●????Practice active listening: This involves really paying attention to what your tween is saying and showing them that you are interested in what they have to say. This can involve nodding, making eye contact, and asking questions to show that you are engaged in the conversation.

●????Use open-ended questions: Rather than asking yes or no questions, try to ask open-ended questions that encourage your tween to share more information about their thoughts and feelings. For example, instead of asking "Did you have a good day at school?", you could ask "What was the highlight of your day at school?"

●????Validate their feelings: It's important to acknowledge and validate your tween's feelings, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. This can help them feel heard and understood.

●????Practice empathy: Try to see things from your tween's perspective and try to understand their feelings and thoughts. This can help you to have a more productive and positive conversation.

●????Set aside dedicated time for conversations: Make sure to set aside dedicated time to have meaningful conversations with your tween. This can help ensure that you both have the opportunity to really listen and talk to each other without distractions.

●????Avoid criticism or judgment: It's important to try to avoid criticizing or judging your tween when you are having a conversation. This can make them feel defensive and less likely to open up to you. Instead, try to approach conversations with an open and nonjudgmental mindset.

Finally, the psychologist that sakshi’s mother consulted gave her a few barriers, being aware of which would help her. Here are the three most common ones and how to go about them:

●????Difficulty expressing emotions: Some tweens may struggle with expressing their emotions, especially if they have not had a lot of practice doing so. Encouraging your tween to talk about their feelings and providing a safe and nonjudgmental space for them to do so can help them feel more comfortable expressing their emotions.

●????Lack of time or privacy: If a tween doesn't have dedicated time or privacy to have conversations with their parent or other family members, they may feel like they can't really open up and share what's on their mind. Make sure to set aside dedicated time to have meaningful conversations with your tween and respect their privacy when they want to have a private conversation.

●????Differences in communication styles: Some people prefer to communicate in different ways, and this can sometimes lead to misunderstandings. It's important to be aware of and respect each other's communication styles and to try to adapt to them when necessary. For example, if your tween hesitates while speaking to you directly, it could be helpful to write it down as a note and have a designated place for these notes to leave and pick up from.

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Lastly, it is important to know that even the best of friends have disagreements which is okay but disrespect from either side isn't (check out our piece on disrespect by parents here).Remember, it takes time to form friendships with strong foundations, even more so when it is with your tween.

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Author's note

At times even in the bet of friendships there are things that the two parties are disabled to talk about especially when the two parties involved are a parent and a child. One such topic (in many cultures) could be the attraction and infatuation a tween experiences with people older to them. As an attempt to make the navigation easier, Parents ki Paathshala's latest episode "bhabhi ji ghar par hain" is up. Watch it here

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