Befriending the Dark Side of Leadership

Did you ever encounter a leader so charismatic that had the ability to make you dream? Or so determined and focused that you felt like you needed to step up and always be at you best game? If so, chances are you encountered a leader that may just have one or more sides of the dark triad of leadership.

Before you jump, I know we all like an inspiring leader. We all want to work with leaders that awaken something in us. And there is nothing wrong with charisma or focus. At the same time, these traits, as any others, may be on a continuum from good displays and outcomes to extremely bad.

The science says that the dark triad consists of:

• Narcissism – it manifests as need for adulation, excessive self-confidence, self-centered speech: “me, me, me”. Pursues own interest in the detriment of team or bigger purpose.
• Machiavellianism – calculated approach to relationships, they build a network of people based on the benefit they could bring, not on personal common interests or admiration. Very driven and focused, no matter the cost to others.
• Psychopathy - They could keep track of the ways you wronged them and wait for the perfect timing to pay you back. They lack empathy and compassion and may manifest a wide range of uncontrolled emotions.

We would say that it is easy to spot these leaders, with the behaviors explained. Yet… it is not black and white. But rather a continuum.

For example: having a healthy amount of self-confidence is wanted in a leader. This way, they don’t succumb to negative feelings and doubt when faced with obstacles and can transfer this confidence to their team, as well. But who can measure what a “healthy amount” is? Where do we draw the line?

Another example: we may want from our leader to fight for us, for our ideas, our requests and we want to feel that they “have our back”. We appreciate a leader who manages to obtain a raise of us, for example, or additional resources for our project. Did you know that this could be a Machiavellianism trait? Pursuing my own objective, no matter the cost? What if, in obtaining what we want, our leader jeopardized the company results? Or the work of other teams or departments? When we are inside their team, we are “protected”. But if we leave the team, we might just see another side.

We may see a wide array of behaviors from our leaders and the dark side is not always that visible. We may admire traits that lean more towards the dark side.

But let me turn this mirror around. Usually, we, as leaders, tend to look for this dark sides in others, being blind to our own tendencies. But the science shows that all of us can have, to some degree, manifestations from the dark side. So, this is an invitation to look in the mirror and ask ourselves the following questions:

• When pursuing my goals, am I considering the bigger picture? Am I thinking of bigger goals or just my own? Does reaching my goals have any negative impact?
• Do I really connect with people around me? Am I really interested in knowing them and understanding them? Do I often think “how this person can help me”?
• Do I tend to surround myself only with people that tell me what I want to hear? Do I respond negatively to constructive feedback and criticism? Do I feel the need to punish people for embarrassing me?
• Do I have a temper, act out and not apologize? Have I received signals and I continue to manifest like that?
• Do I really wish my colleagues succeed? Or it’s ok for them to shine as long as they are in my boat?
• Do I feel like talking to people I work with is a waste of time and too much emotional stuff? Do I tend to cut them off when they try to open up?

The good news is that we can work with these traits. For example, empathy can be emotional (I feel what you feel) or rational (I understand what you feel and why), the science showed different areas of the brain light up during scans. But from a leadership perspective, it doesn’t matter which one we use, as long as the others feel heard and understood. So, if we tend to be “let’s get to business and cut this emotional mambo-jumbo”, we can do this:

1. Self-observe and ask for feedback, in order to calibrate – how often this happens, in which situations
2. Understand what the benefit of this behavior is – for example, I get things done
3. Linking the benefit (“getting things done”) with the wanted behavior (with empathy) – how can listening and showing empathy can help getting things done? Maybe not in the short term, but on a longer term.
4. Observe yourself during the discussions, where your thoughts go. Practice being present and listening actively. My suggestion is to start in small amounts, so you are challenging and stretching yourself, but not feeling overwhelmed. Validate the result of your effort, to stimulate and enhance your motivation further on.
5. Validate with the others - if they see any change, how your behavior helps.
6. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

We can have a similar approach for other traits, as well. The most important factors are:

• to be honest with ourselves and be open to feedback
• have compassion and be kind to ourselves - there is nothing wrong with us, it's just a matter of choosing how we act.