Befriend your Fear

My clients frequently experience anxiety in speaking situations, an issue that is second only to feeling overwhelmed by the many things they believe they need to express.

Instead of providing my clients with a formula to eradicate their anxiety, I recommend that they "befriend" it. This approach tends to be more effective. Treating fear as an adversary to be vanquished can often make it stronger.

Here's a framework comprising seven steps to help you befriend your fear of public speaking:

Framework for Befriending Your Fear

1.???? Find a quiet place and spare about 10 minutes.

2.???? Close your eyes.

3.???? Take several deep breaths and try to relax.

4.???? Visualize the speaking situation in your mind.

5.???? Identify the sensation of fear within you and try to feel its presence.

6.???? Adopt a kind and loving attitude toward this fear as if it were you as a child.

7.???? Gently tell your fear something along these lines:

“I know you are here to protect me. Thank you for being here for me. Please know that we are going to be OK. When I speak, you and I will give our listeners the gift of our presence, attention, and time.”

8.???? Take another deep breath.

9.???? If you want, continue talking to your fear kindly.

Three profound shifts are happening here:

1.???? Rather than resisting your fear, you choose to embrace it.

2.???? You shift your perspective on the speaking situation from seeking something (like the approval, respect, and positive reactions of your listeners) to offering something (your time, attention, care, and so forth).

3.???? You approach the speaking situation with greater presence and focus by "priming your brain" beforehand.

Befriending your fear, reframing the situation, and priming your brain are three simple yet potent steps you can take prior to any speaking situation. Especially ahead of crucial engagements, ensure you allocate time to undergo the sequence above to befriend your fear.

Consider "operationalizing" this method by reducing all your meetings to 50 or even just 20 minutes, thereby creating ten-minute buffers between appointments. This prevents your work life from becoming an unhealthy treadmill of back-to-back meetings.

When I talk to the fear in me, I address it as "Little Marc." I'll say, "Hey Little Marc, thank you for being here. Thanks for wanting to protect me. Please know, we're going to be okay."

It always makes the butterflies go away, like just the other day when I was getting nervous before attending a highfalutin social event.

My first encounter with the idea of befriending fear was when I was six years old. It had to have been before 1972, as my parents were still living in an apartment in a small town of Kamen in West Germany. I used to be terrified at night because I'd see monstrous faces in the darkness. They were incredibly vivid, and they appeared whether my eyes were closed or open. At some point, a shift occurred in me: I decided to consider the monsters as my friends. This decision didn't merely lessen the fear; it completely eradicated it. I don't know what triggered this idea back then—perhaps my young mind just stumbled upon it—but I distinctly remember that it happened.

Half a century later, a psychologist friend gave me advice on handling bouts of anxiety I was experiencing during the first year of the COVID pandemic. She suggested that I speak to my fear lovingly, as if it were a child. It is a therapeutic technique also known as "inner child talk." I found this technique beneficial and was able to link it with the experience of befriending the monsters from my childhood. "So, you already know all about this," my friend said, surprised. She was right, but she had also presented me with a fresh perspective on practicing this technique.

Key takeaways

• "Befriending" our fears transforms them from adversaries into allies.
• Reframing speaking situations from a "needy" to a "giving" perspective boosts confidence.
• Brain priming is crucial for implementing these positive shifts.

Next steps

• Establish a routine of allocating space and time to prime your brain for speaking scenarios.
• Note down the phrases you use when conversing kindly with your fear. Keep them in a visible place, such as on a sticky note.
• If feasible, shorten the standard length of 60-minute meetings to 50 minutes. This provides you with a buffer period to prime your brain before stepping into the next speaking event.

Republished from Elevator Speech Training - Step-by-Step Advice to Attract More Attention to Your Cause.