Before you hit send

Have you ever hit send on an email and immediately regretted it?

Or sent a Slack message in a rush of emotion that you wish you could take back?

Managing your emotions is one of the best skills you can have as a leader. It might look like:

• Recognizing when you’re feeling triggered
• Understanding how the emotion presents in your body
• Having a method for identifying and processing it
• Separating the story you’re making up from the reality of the situation
• Moving to curiosity
• Then responding

Let me take a step back.

I’m a passionate person. I get worked up when my emotions get bigger than the space I have to express them. It can feel like needing to run when all I can do is walk–clumsy and frustrating.

I am not advocating for getting rid of passion.

What I’m saying is leaders need to understand how unmanaged emotions impact their team.

Here are two examples:

Scenario 1: The Savior

You’re on a call with members from your team and partners from another department in the business.

Someone from outside of the team gets heated. It’s clear that processes from the other department are causing mistrust and frustration, but the heat is directed at your team.

The call ends and you immediately send a Slack message reprimanding the person for getting heated.

Timeout. What’s really happening here?

You’re jumping in at the expense of an internal partner relationship and without gathering the right information to know what needs to happen next. Your immediate assumption is: my team needs protecting.

Instead, another approach might be more beneficial:

1. Notice how you’re feeling and try to name it. “I’m feeling annoyed that so-and-so talked to the team like that.”
2. Ask yourself why you feel that way. “I feel annoyed because it’s disrespectful. The team has been overdelivering and they were being scapegoated for a problem that has nothing to do with them.”
3. Think about the bigger context. What is going on in that team to create the conditions for the conversation? Are they unsupported? Have they run into challenges getting work approved?
4. Move to curiosity. “Hey, I noticed that the conversation got heated in our call today and it felt directed at the team. Can you tell me what was going on for you?”

What’s the impact of your unmanaged emotions?

??? It pushes important partners away which has a damaging ripple effect ??? It teaches your team that they don’t need to have hard conversations because you will do it for them

Scenario 2: The Road Block

You’re in a leadership meeting when a peer from another department gives an update that the release of an upcoming feature is being delayed.

This is not the first time it’s happened and your team has been working hard on launch plans that will have to be moved, again.

You feel yourself get irritated and go silent. You don’t address the delay or reach out to talk one-to-one with your peer.

After the meeting you send a novel to your friend, who also happens to be on your team, about how unbelievable it is that the team can’t keep a deadline.

Timeout. What’s really happening here?

You’re shutting out an important relationship by declining to engage in meaningful conversation about the business. Your instinct is to throw up a roadblock by assuming: they’re unreliable and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Instead, the same steps as Scenario 1 apply:

1. Notice how you’re feeling and try to name it. “I’m feeling frustrated with the lack of progress.”
2. Ask yourself why you feel that way. “I feel frustrated because I’m not in control and don’t have all of the information. I wish there was a way I could contribute to progress in a meaningful way.”
3. Think about the bigger context. What is going on with that leader and the bigger team? Are there priorities or projects that you don’t have visibility into that could be impacting progress?
4. Move to curiosity. “Hey, I noticed that progress is slower than we originally talked about. Can you help me understand what’s going on from your point-of-view?”

What’s the impact of your unmanaged emotions?

??? It creates roadblocks for important work and collaboration ??? It teaches your team that they don’t need to prioritize creating healthy cross-functional relationships (which are essential for a productive, profitable business)

In the world of Talent

???Leadership tip I love: everything about this post from Samantha McKenna about being a more empathetic leader to parents. It’s full of tips in the comments that are worth a read-through. This is exactly why I’m writing my book !

???California introduces Grieve Leave: under recently passed Senate bill 848 , all women, spouses, and domestic partners are guaranteed 5 days of leave for reproductive losses. This applies to employers with 5 or more employees in California.

???Women’s history month is intersectional: reminder that your celebration of Black women needs to continue in March as you highlight women’s achievements and progress.

???Alabama protects the right to IVF: following the state Supreme Court’s ruling that embryos are children, the Alabama legislature passed a bill to protect IVF access (thank goodness). It’s expected to be signed by the governor.

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