Before You Cut Off Your Parents: 3 Principles to Consider

In my work as a biblical counselor, I’ve seen some badly behaved parents. I’ve talked with their (now adult) children who are suffering the effects of having parents who were thoughtless and neglectful in their childhoods and who continue to be contentious and critical in adulthood. I’ve walked with individuals through the pain of a parent’s inconsistent demonstrations of care, unrealistic high standards, harsh opinions, and selfish relational expectations. Whether inflicted in childhood or adulthood, wounds from parents cut extremely deep.

Popular thinking suggests that painful or dysfunctional relationships like these can often be remedied by going “no contact.” In my practice, I’ve encountered more and more children who have already cut off their parents or are moving in that direction. And I see the effects on other family relationships that often become strained or disrupted as a result. Grandchildren may be severed from their grandparents; siblings may begin to avoid one another due to misunderstandings and disagreements about family dynamics. How we handle a difficult parent-child relationship can have far-reaching effects.

While our culture presents cutting off your parents as a viable option for self-care, it isn’t the only option. What does the Bible say about challenging relationships with parents? What does it look like to apply biblical wisdom and gospel hope to our relationship with our first caretakers? Here are three biblical principles to consider before you cut off your parents.

1. Honor your father and mother.

Scripture is full of imperatives about how we should relate to others, but the most often repeated message specific to our parents is that we’re to honor them (Ex. 20:12; Lev. 19:3; Deut. 5:16; Mark 7:10; Eph. 6:1–3). As Thomas Keene explains, when we’re children we primarily demonstrate honor through obedience, but as adults we “honor by being a blessing.”

We’ll address some complexities of challenging relationships later, but for now, let’s recognize that none of the Bible’s commands to honor our parents offers qualifiers. None of them says, “Honor your parents if . . .” The Bible is incredibly realistic about the human condition. It assumes we’ll have flawed parents who will fail us, and yet the consistent call is for us to honor them.

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One way we can be a blessing to our parents as adults is by maintaining a connection with them, even when we recognize problematic patterns in their lives. It’s difficult to honor someone you don’t interact with. This certainly doesn’t require us to agree with our parents on everything, nor does honoring mean accepting abuse or mistreatment at their hands. Persistent dysfunction may require loving confrontation and thoughtful boundaries, but few situations other than abuse present a compelling reason to sever a relationship entirely.

2. Forgive as you’ve been forgiven.

As Christ-followers, we’re called to forgive others for the ways they hurt or offend us, because of the forgiveness we’ve received in Christ (Matt. 18:21–22; Luke 6:37; Eph. 4:31–32; Col. 3:12–13). But even in the best situations, when a parent is clearly apologetic and seeking restoration, forgiveness can still be painful and difficult. In my experience as a counselor, I’ve seen few examples where parents communicate repentance so well in a conciliatory meeting that the hurt child is completely satisfied.

Forgiveness is difficult because releasing the person from his debt means we now absorb it. The loss doesn’t disappear; we just no longer hold it against the offender. If we wait until we feel completely comfortable and satisfied in the relationship again, we may live in perpetual waiting. Moving forward without getting stuck might involve making relational adjustments to encourage healthy interactions and prayerfully considering how we might extend grace (unmerited favor) in the relationship.

But what about situations where the offending parent doesn’t repent and seek forgiveness? We can still seek to honor our parents by guarding our hearts against growing bitter. In this case, navigating the relationship will likely require wise safeguards to prevent further harm. But we can still maintain a connection with parents who have caused hurt, while praying for the Lord to bring them to repentance. Maintaining the relationship to some degree can even be instrumental in bringing that parent to a place of repentance.

When we genuinely pursue a process of forgiveness, we’ll rarely arrive at the decision to cut off the relationship. Biblical love compels relational wisdom; the relationship may look different, but forgiveness will most often make space for continued connection.

3. Bear with others in love.

To bear with others (Eph. 4:1–2; Col. 3:13) means “to put up with,” to have patience with others’ errors and weaknesses, to endure. In relationships with other sinners, we’ll feel inclined to flee, condemn, or fall into sin ourselves. Bearing with others in love means we fight against those urges.

If a parent has a pattern of problematic behavior, you’re right to ask her to work toward healthier patterns. But whether or not your parent is willing to change, you can bear with her by learning to establish different responses to her behavior.

If your parent tends to be passive-aggressive, you can choose to not allow her behavior to make you feel stuck in guilt, and you can choose not to engage when she makes passive-aggressive comments. If your parent tends to be controlling or overly opinionated, you can learn to maintain your convictions and plans while still demonstrating respect and care for her. If your parent has dysfunctional behavior that brings out dysfunctional behavior in you, you can repent of your sinful responses and consider how to wisely respond with grace and truth.

It’s helpful to recognize that the ultimate goal of creating distance or boundaries in any relationship is to disrupt and prevent further sinful or dysfunctional behavior. Abusive relationships require boundaries and wisdom to safeguard against further harm. But in most challenging parental relationships, it’s possible to discourage problematic patterns by learning to respond differently, by bearing with one another in love. Consider how you might live out humility, gentleness, and patience (Eph. 4:1–2) with difficult parents rather than severing the relationship.

Opportunity to Bless

Having a difficult relationship with your parents is often painful. What you hoped or imagined for your relationship and for holidays, celebrations, and family gatherings may differ from your lived experience. Without dismissing this pain, we still have an opportunity to bless our parents, living out of the grace we’ve been freely given in Christ.

A relationship of mutual grace and forgiveness is a beautiful, tangible expression of the gospel. Of course, we can only control one side of the relationship and pray for the Lord to work on the other. So as far as it depends on us, let’s choose to be people who honor, forgive, and bear with one another in love—especially with our parents.

Beth Claes is the director of counseling at New Heights Church in Vancouver, Washington. She has a doctorate in psychology and practiced from a traditional psychological perspective for 10 years before shifting to a gospel-centered counseling approach. She is married with three children. More of her writing is available on her blog, Wrestled Faith.