BECOMING WHO WE ARE

? By Elaine Morais

Biography as Spirituality

The title of this article comes from? A Retreat With Thomas Merton: Becoming Who We Are by Anthony T. Padovano (1995, Cincinnati, Ohio: St. Anthony Messenger Press) . Padovano’s? purpose is “not biography but spirituality” (1995:51). In the introduction to the book, he? notes:

“Our life journey is a precarious pilgrimage, a passage through landscapes of promise and peril, a crossing from the darkness of the womb to the shadows of death. We travel in the hope that the light will not fail to guide us,? that the star will not be lost, that homecoming will be granted and love not withheld. To become companions on the journey of life or on the lesser excursions we make, it is imperative that we share with one another a word about ourselves. We do not wish to be led by strangers or by those who choose to be mute. Language is the bread of friendship, the communion of the heart, the wine which refreshes the spirit and brings us peace. When the word shared is gentle and loving, forgiving and healing, encouraging and honest, it begins a liturgy of life among those who share it.” (1995:7).

If only we can find the courage to open up and share our stories! Self-disclosure is at the heart of personal style. That’s what distinguishes one writer from another. This may help explain why Thomas Merton’s autobiography The Seven Story Mountain became such a bestseller when it was first published in 1948 soon after the second ?world? war. Reading his work is like connecting with ?a very sincere, deep, thoughtful, generous and courageous person who writes unflinchingly about his life so that others may ?draw valuable lessons from it.

Untold Stories, Fractured Communities

All of us grapple with relationships at home, at work and within the community and seek ways to overcome the tensions that build up over time with the people who share our lives. Difficulties arise as we seek to establish common goals and work out legitimate ways to reach them. In order to achieve a breakthrough in any situation, we need to hear the personal stories of the individuals involved.? Many have not taken full ownership of their lives and continue to be guided? by scripts written by elders in the family and other? authority? figures in society. They are often unable to articulate what they think? and feel? about an issue , to critically evaluate and respond to views presented , to arrive at a decision on their own or with others,? to act on decisions taken , and, finally, to live with the consequences that inevitably follow. Yet these skills are so crucial for an understanding and resolution of problems that we need to investigate why so many people fail to acquire them and as a result continue to “lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” (Thoreau )

Chitra Divakaruni Bannerjee, the well-known novelist, poet and short-story? writer , has explored the lives of Indian-American women in her fiction .In 1980 with some friends she? founded? Maitri (which means friendship) in San Francisco, the? first? helpline? for South Asian women on the West Coast. This is what she has to say:

?I would like to say that I have always been interested in women’s issues and ?conditions, and desirous of making changes- but that isn’t true. When I lived in India, I was totally immersed in the culture, and thus totally accepted it. I never thought of women’s rights, or their problems. If things were hard for us, I reasoned that was just the way of the world.? Wasn’t it the same everywhere? … I had grown up in a very traditional household, and had been kept carefully insulated from such events. Coming to the US gave me the distance I needed to look back on my culture with objectivity, to pick? out what I valued and realize what I didn’t agree with.(“ Do South Asian Women Need Separate Shelter Homes?” https://www.rediff.com/news/1999/jul/06us2.htm)

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It may be that many of our own people too are so insulated from events in? their? life? that they, too, are led to believe: “that was just? the way of the? world. Wasn’t it the same every where?” Such an attitude?? discourages?? introspection which serves as a prelude to making our views and feelings explicit in a dialogue with others. Asian culture does not look kindly on dissent and subtly pushes?? individuals to put up with difficult, sometimes even dangerous situations, in order to save face and? encourage? outsiders? to believe that all is well. Troubled individuals may often live with family members who unwittingly slip into a state of denial.? Clinically depressed?? individuals? who may? not have regular work are often? described? as?? “lazy”, and “ unkempt” and? therefore regarded as something? of? “ a nuisance” in the home. Family members tend to restrict or control their movements?? and their contacts with others who may be able to offer a lifeline.? Often attempts to bring up a topic for? discussion ?are brushed aside and the person broaching the? topic is told to “be positive” and “to look on the bright side”.? The result is that many individuals remain trapped in situations where the possibility of a safe exit to a? saner , happier and more? productive environment becomes more and more remote. The American? poet? Sylvia Plath who described? her own breakdown in The Bell Jar noted? that the experience was like stewing endlessly in the? foul air within a bell jar. She, too, eventually took her own life.

Seeking Sanctuary, Seeking Community

Should we not strive to create the conditions in our communities? where people can develop, mature and live according to their ability and? need? Should we not encourage our people to speak out when necessary, to listen intently to what others have to say and to be sensitive at all times to the unspoken needs of others. We can learn a great deal about the powerless people in our lives from their body language and what they are unable to articulate. Their posture, their gait, the difficulty they have in making eye contact and their? avoidance of social contact can tell us a great deal about their state of mind? and heart.

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Some of us may have heard of friendly, gentle people, including well-qualified professionals, who have taken their own life. Yet, these cases are rarely spoken about. The silence of the community is ominous. Were family members and friends blind to the onset of the problem? Did they not discern the aberrant behavior that preceded it? Was the downward decline inevitable? Could steps have been taken to deal with their problems and to address the conditions that gave rise to them?? It is worth noting that many troubled individuals look, talk and act so normally that only those very close to them could have guessed? that? something was amiss. They? may well? end up as casualties becoming part of the “ woodwork”? of? families or placed in “ nursing? homes” that often accentuate their decline. While it may be difficult to get any kind of dialogue going with people? who are unable to speak openly about what is troubling them, the “significant others” in their lives would do well to take note of? their symptoms, and to respond? appropriately. In every family, there is likely to be at least one person with enough strength of character and compassion to take the first steps in breaking? the silence and initiating the process of dialogue. These individuals need to be encouraged and supported by the community.?

The door to a life of hope and opportunity may seem to be closing in on the most vulnerable members of our community. But that is not an inevitable outcome. The importance of vigilance on the part of family and friends cannot be overemphasized. They need to be prepared for any crisis and ready and willing to take immediate action any time that it is needed. People living alone? especially those who have lost a spouse, through? death or divorce, or? a job and are experiencing? difficulty getting? another, or who have? been diagnosed with a serious illness, need people to stay close to them at all times. There should be at least one person to accompany them at this difficult stage of? their life. This could be a? sibling , a parent, a relative or? a close friend. Within the safe sanctuary of genuine community? they? can share their? stories , discover who they are and take the? first steps away from their inner turmoil to? a joyous and authentic living.? As? Padovano? notes? “ Home is first of all a state of mind and then it is a place. Home is the experience of authenticity and acceptance. We need to be who we are. Those who receive us become our community and our home” ( 1995:35). At the Abbey of Gethsemani? “ Merton found a home and was nurtured back to life. He was given sanctuary when the burden of the journey was more than he could bear and when all the world seemed like a wasteland. The life of Merton is a parable. Like all parables, it is someone else’s story and our story at one and the same time (1995:70).?

We,? too, need to acknowledge openly? that we are all wounded people and carry within us stories of our own brokenness. We ,too, need to share our stories, to receive unconditional love and non-judgmental acceptance? in? order to be healed .May we all draw life, hope and sustenance from Merton’s courageous sharing, and let it serve to encourage us all to begin our own quest for God ‘s? abiding peace,? grace and love through the creation of genuine communities.