Becoming a Trust Builder

"Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships."?-- Stephen Covey

The Emotional Intelligence Competency of Trust

What is trust?

Trust?the ability to be ethical with others, establishing bonds of safety and consistency. It is the "firm belief ?in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." Building trust is a competency of emotional intelligence?(having an awareness of your own emotions, and?an awareness of emotions of others, and managing your behaviors appropriately.) Emotional intelligence is not about intellect, or personality. It is a set of skills which can be developed, fluid and accessible to all.

All relationships thrive on trust. Whether at work or at home, becoming a person who builds trust is vital.?

Because self-awareness is the launchpad for emotional intelligence development, let's first discover if you are a trust builder or a trust breaker.

Trust Builders

People who are trust builders are authentic, knowing when to offer appropriate self-disclosure because they are living a life which aligns with their values. They don't have to hide who they are.?Because they are in alignment, they treat others with consistency, selflessness, and respect. They genuinely care about others. Trust builders?maintain high standards of integrity. Their values are reflected in their thoughts, their thoughts are reflected in their words, and their words are reflected in their actions. They do what they say they will do, and others can count on them. They usually have stable relationships which last a lifetime. They are not volatile because they exercise emotional regulation, and can be relied upon.?Trust builders are?committed to improving and?adding value to?their relationships. They are often well-liked and can create a safe place for others to be authentic.

Is this how you describe yourself? Even better, is this how those you work closely with/live with describe you?

Trust Breakers

Those who are trust breakers?tend to have a tough time maintaining relationships with honesty and openness. They struggle with emotional intimacy and maintaining long-term friendships. They often are misaligned -- their values are NOT reflected in their thoughts, words, and behaviors, often because they are not clear on their own personal values. Trust breakers don't keep their promises, and their word is not their bond. They tend to be dishonest and deceitful, and may struggle with inner guilt and shame. They don't handle rejection well.?They can be charming -- remember, we're not talking about personality. How they behave in private may be drastically different than their public persona. This disconnect causes them to behave in erratic and unpredictable ways. They're often self-seeking and selfish.

Do you see yourself in any of the above? If so, what else would you add?

Guilt and Shame

If you can identify with the traits of a trust breaker,?you may feel a plethora of uncomfortable emotions, including guilt. Of course. It is a natural emotion to experience when we realize we are not trustworthy?and have broken the trust of others, especially those close to us.?

Resist the temptation to let that guilt turn into shame, which is an attack on who you are, not what you've done. Author Brene Brown says it this way in her?TED Talk :? "Shame is insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability.?It causes people to believe that they’re unworthy or unlovable."?Developing emotional intelligence is a no-shame zone. We all have areas of growth. Yes, to become a trust builder, you'll need to own?that you have some changes to make. But with no shame.?A great first step is to admit this growth area to yourself, and admit it to those around you, especially those you've hurt.?

I understand unpleasant emotions are no fun to experience. You may be ready to do everything you can to evade those emotions with a fight, flight, fear, or fawn?response. Instead, I'd like to encourage you to allow yourself to experience them. Ironically, the fact that you feel is a positive thing.?Those emotions confirm you're not an unemotional, uncaring machine. It demonstrates you have empathy and compassion for the damage your trust-breaking behaviors have caused and for those who have been hurt. So please, don't harden yourself against those emotions. You can handle them. As corny as it sounds, learn to embrace them and allow yourself to feel.?

“For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first.” ―?Suzanne Collins?

Additionally, try not to play the blame game, or point your finger at circumstances or another person (or their actions) to explain why you are not trustworthy. Just own it. If you can, say out loud or write down this phrase: "I have made the choice to be a trust breaker. I want to become a trust builder, and I have work to do. I am ready to do that work."

Remind yourself that?the pain you feel from breaking someone's trust?is temporary.?Emotions come and go. This is not who you are, but how you are behaving in the moment, and behaviors can be shifted! Instead of focusing on your guilt, forgive yourself, and get busy rebuilding trust.

"Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean." -- Don Miguel Ruiz

Rebuilding Trust

As you may know, it?takes a long time to build trust, and only an instant to destroy it. Do be aware that building trust, and especially rebuilding trust, is not going to happen overnight. There are no quick fixes.?Prepare yourself for a long, sometimes arduous, but rewarding journey. You may not want to sprint at the start. For sustained behavior change, settle into a slow and steady cadence as you head?down the path of rebuilding.

You may want to enlist the help of a?certified social and emotional intelligence coach ?to get started, who can?help you set goals and walk alongside you, suggest new ways of doing things, keep you on track, celebrate successes, and help you make adjustments along the way. (Note, if your trust breaking choices result from unhealed trauma, please seek the help of a professional therapist or counselor was well).

Becoming a Trust Builder

To become a trust builder, the following development tips can help. Note these must be practiced on a regular, consistent basis if you wish to build trust.

• If you've broken someone's trust, be the first to mend the relationship.?Don't wait until the other person expresses their disappointment or anger, or begs you for an apology. Let's face it -- you know you've erred. Step up and initiate repairs. Even if you're not sure what to do, let them know that you want to fix this, and that you are dedicated to figuring out how.
• Verbally admit your poor choice(s).?A great phrase to adopt is, "I did that -- and I'm sorry. I can see that it was hurtful. I am going to work hard to not repeat that choice."?Refrain from casting blame on circumstances or others. Apologize repeatedly and consistently, with sincerity.?
• Apologize with your actions.?Often, saying "I'm sorry" is not enough. The best apology is changed behavior. Remind the person you hurt that you are taking actions to?make different and better choices,?so it won't happen again. Share with them what you are doing, your "plan of attack",?and be open about your progress (and missteps!)
• Become an active listener.?Listen carefully to what’s on?others'?minds and in their hearts. If you've broken someone's trust,?create a safe space for them to express their pain, even if it's uncomfortable for you to hear it. Don't?cut them off, interrupt, or argue,?even if you don't agree with their?interpretation of the event. Let them express what they need to express. (Note -- you may be ready for them to move on, and 'get over it'. However, allowing them the space?they need -- which may mean they need to repeat themselves?at times -- creates a safe space for their healing.
• Validate others' feelings.?If your trust breaking behaviors hurt someone (which is a given), they may be experiencing intense feelings, to say the least. These are their emotions, not yours, and it's OK that they are feeling them. Validate them.?Two helpful phrases to use are, "I can see why you feel that way" or "It makes sense that you feel that way."
• Affirm the other person for the good?human being they are.?When emotions from broken trust are erupting,?remind the person that you value who they are. A response such as this can help affirm them:?"I can see you are upset, and of course you are -- because you care and value this relationship [job, initiative, etc.]. I love and admire that about you."
• Do what you say you will do. Always deliver on your commitments. If you say you will do something, do it, even if you don't feel like it or something you'd rather do comes up. People need to know they can count on you and trust that you'll follow through on what you promise. If unforeseen circumstances arise, and you absolutely have to cancel, make sure it's a postponement, not a cancellation. Apologize, and let them know when you?will be able to deliver.
• Be accessible.?Your co-workers and family/friends will find it hard to trust if you cannot make time for them.?Seek to understand what they are experiencing, and create space for them to be heard and seen. This includes the person with whom you broke trust, as they may want to express their hurt and anger again -- and again -- and again.?I know, at this point you may be sick of hearing it, and don't?want to be reminded of your mess up again. Yet, as much as possible, I challenge you to be a safe space for them to vent. Listen actively, validate you hear and see them, value them, and look forward to continuing to rebuild the relationship.
• Work on your honesty.?You may have a long-lived habit of being dishonest. To become a trust builder, that's going to need to change. Dishonesty not only includes lying, but also misleading others from the truth and withholding valuable information to protect yourself. Explore the why behind your dishonesty (again, a therapist or counselor may be of service here). Make a commitment to never knowingly mislead, lie, or withhold -- on the big issues and on the little issues.?Ask a friend or colleague to help hold you accountable. When you catch yourself in a dishonest behavior,?stop yourself, apologize, then try again. I like to ask, "May I have a do-over?" Then?speak with honesty going forward.

“Trust starts with truth and ends with truth.” – Santosh Kalwar

• Know Thyself.?If your current values are driving you to be dishonest, and you want to become a trust builder, consider developing some new values.?What do you stand for and what is important to you? If this is unclear, work with a?social and emotional intelligence coach ?to?determine?personal principles and ethics which lead toward trust building behaviors.
• Live in Alignment. Articulate and demonstrate these principles and ethics in the actions you take and the decisions you make, so your life is in alignment. If your lifestyle doesn't?match up with?your values, you will be in constant conflict with the inner workings of your soul, feeling like there is part of you which you need to hide from others. You'll feel misunderstood. Work to eliminate the aspects which take you away from living ethically. This may include letting go of friendships which lead you toward poor choices. Surround yourself with people of integrity.

If you've broken someone's trust, remind them of your new and improved values often and let them know you are working hard to live out these values. Then show them by your actions.

?As you work toward becoming a trust builder,?beware of this common hurdle: directing your focus on?the?reaction?of the person with whom you broke trust. Trust me, you're not going to like their reaction. You may feel like they are overreacting, or that you, the trust breaker, do not deserve this sort of judgment or "punishment". Fair enough, and maybe you don't. But they too have the right to their own emotions, and you can only change yourself. Keep your focus on your behavior, not the other person's reaction. If someone is upset with you, recognize that this means they value the relationship?enough to care. Thank them for that.

As you can see, developing the above?trust building skills?is going to take time and a lot of effort. Rebuilding broken trust can take even longer.?It will be hard work -- but we can do hard things. Time and consistency are key. If you try out your new?trust building behaviors for a few weeks only to snap?back to your old ways and blame the person you've hurt, you will instantly erode?what you were beginning to?rebuild. Don't let this discourage you -- setbacks are normal when we're striving for behavior change. Get up, apologize, and try again.?The goal is to be consistent, day in and day out,?progressing in a steady march. Along the trek, be patient with the person you've wronged -- very patient. Let them heal at their own pace.

"Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record. " -- Rick Warren

A helpful way to sustain your new behaviors is to?become a trust builder for you -- not for someone else.?This way, you're not dependent upon the positive response of the other person to keep your efforts up -- because I guarantee that throughout this process, the hurt person may lash out again or express anger toward you. Of course. Don't base your?efforts?on how quickly they are forgiving you and/or healing, or if the relationship is flourishing again. Become a trust builder?because?you?want?to be the best version of yourself.

You may have heard this quote by Walter Anderson, "Trust is like a vase, once it’s broken, though you can fix it, the vase will never be same again." It's true. But the aim with becoming a trust builder is not to return to an old relationship -- one which?was damaged. You're?rebuilding a new and improved relationship full of integrity, respect, and trust, as you develop new and improved behaviors. Hard work, with time and consistency, can patch that vase up where it can hold flowers again.

This world needs more trust builders. We live in a world where broken trust abounds, on many levels. Let's all?work toward being?more trustworthy to counter this.