Becoming a total badass

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been enamored with tough-guy stuff. My favorite cartoon characters were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I loved Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen movies, big trucks and muscly people with tattoos.

I remember one classic moment in college, when a professor asked the class to call out our favorite animals as part of an icebreaker exercise. A chorus of "cat," "rabbit" and "owl" issued forth, with my lone "rhino!" a clear outlier.

"Why the rhino?"

"Because they're totally badass."

It got a laugh from the class, but I meant it. I've always wanted to be really tough. Not "tough" in the way that you might bully someone, of course. I wanted to be a woman who could stand up for myself. I wanted that bravado and confidence of Bronson and Chuck Norris and She-Hulk.

“Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." - Bruce Lee

Rhinos are tough. They have a really thick skin, and they look like tanks. I wanted that!

I always perceived myself as a really soft person—too soft to one day be strong. I thought I was too emotional, too gullible and too nice, so I tried to craft myself in the image of those iconic movie stars. Being hard-core was the most important personality trait.

Here's a problem: I didn't know how to build inner strength, so I looked outward. Like Goldilocks, I just couldn't find the right fit for a long time.

• First, I put on armor that was made of other people's opinions. I tried to build an easier life instead of becoming tougher. I couldn't please everyone around me. I became worn down, exhausted, and decidedly not badass.
• Next, I tried armor made of anger and alcohol. If I couldn't build confidence sober, I could feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof while drunk. I imagined that rhinos felt invincible like I did, but now I'm not so sure.
• Finally, I just gave up on being tough. I exposed all my emotions for everyone to see and evaluate. I cowered in front of life's challenges.

I was at the point of resigning myself to being a total wimp for the rest of my days when I discovered strongman training.

I just wanted to get into better shape, but strongman has done more than just improve my physical fitness. It's given me discipline and the confidence to know I can do difficult stuff. Like, seriously difficult stuff.

Strongman training started small. I just wanted to be able to squat 135 pounds and do a pull-up. Now, I've found myself engaged in an intense training regimen with high stakes and heavy weights. I'm approaching a 500-lb deadlift. I'm competing in my first pro contest in just a few weeks. This is no longer just a hobby—I'm on my way to becoming an actual. Professional. Badass.

It was only when I started picking up really heavy shit that I realized a key flaw in my previous thinking. Armor has to be grown, not put on.

The rhino is a badass, not because it somehow dons iron plates and runs around charging at its enemies willy-nilly. Rhinos have nothing to prove. They are tough because their environment made them that way.

Rhinos and Charles Bronson and Bruce Lee are absolute badasses because they spend time growing into their strength. Their confidence and swagger came from experience in overcoming difficulty. In lifting the proverbial heavy shit.

During the past two years, I have gone through some painful periods of growth, when I thought I just couldn't take another step. With each victory, I grow another hard plate that allows me to weather the storm better than before.

So, which came first, the physical or the internal strength? I'd say neither; they grow together. For me, it was all about starting a virtuous cycle of conquering my own fear in the gym and then trying out the same techniques in everyday situations.

So, just for today, I resolve not to put on outside armor. I resolve to rely on my own tough skin and be the woman who has the strength to endure life's difficulties.

I resolve to become just a little bit more badass, and you can, too.

Kathryn Bennett, CPSM, is a proposal writer and amateur strongman in Grand Junction, Colorado. When she's not powerlifting in a garage, she's hanging out with her dog, Dot, doing crossword puzzles over brunch, and encouraging other aspiring strongpeople. Follow her weightlifting accounts on Instagram at @kaybeelifts and @warmaiden_fitness