Becoming a Snowfield

A few months before our wedding, I came home and declared “I figured it out!”. “Figured what out?” came in reply. “The name thing. I figured it out.”

My wife and I had been having conversations about surnames, the desire to maintain individual identity, the desire to have the same surname as a future child, the potential challenges that can arise when one parent travels internationally with their child(ren) yet has a different surname, amongst other things.

When I proposed and envisioned our life together, it wasn’t on the condition that she adopt my surname - I do not believe in coverture. I understood her internal conflict, especially around sharing the same last name as a future child.

Interestingly, the PEW Research Center conducted a study in April 2023 about surnames in the United States. While 79% of women ultimately take their spouse’s last name, only 33% know this is what they are going to do before they get married.?(Summary of research at bottom of article.)

While out for a trail run one day, I leaned into the Christopher McDougall quote from Born to Run “if you don’t have answers to your problems after a four-hour run, you ain’t getting them”. Simultaneously, I very likely and subconsciously took myself through Sir John Whitmore’s GROW Model of coaching.

The GROW Model is an acronym. What’s the goal? What is the reality of the situation? What are your options? What are you willing to do?

Having spent my early 20’s studying the literature, culture, and language of Latin America while also living & working in the region I started playing with hyphenated options in my head. A primary element of this challenge was that my wife already had a hyphenated surname. The idea of a “triple-barreled” last name was too much – especially when you consider the challenges of checking in for a flight online with hyphenated last names (#iykyk).

A secondary challenge is the numerous situations where bureaucracy or convenience forces the individual to drop part of the hyphenation, i.e., email addresses, business cards, any form with insufficient space, etc.

It was, however, this idea of carrying my wife’s surname forward along with mine that might help communicate or be an example of the type of partnership we try to foster for our future family where my thoughts chose to focus.

As my feet repeatedly hit the trail, surrounded by nature, mountains ascending both sides of the river valley that it hit me. Blend them. Blend our last names. Create something new.

Snowden + Greenfield = Snowfield. We would both change our surname.

Now, we still had the challenge of my wife having a hyphenated last name, so I suggested that she keep the maternal part of her last name as a middle name.

“You’re crazy. Are you sure?” my wife asked.

“I just had 4 hours to think about it. Of course, I’m sure!” I replied.

Admittedly, part of me thought this would be a lovely romantic gesture. It wasn’t, however, about “scoring points”. It was about making that commitment to the best partnership I have ever known, to doing things together and as a team, to creating a lifetime together, to showing a future child that we wanted them to think differently and for them to know that anything is possible.

It took longer than anticipated for that child to arrive (we’re “1 in 6”) but now that she’s here, it takes on an extra special meaning. And yes, I do think there’s an extra responsibility (opportunity?) for a father raising a daughter. I do want her to know that I chose to change my last name for her. I want her to know that for me, it was an easy and quick decision.

I also need to recognize that, where I live, once she is 12 years old, she can apply to change her name (with parental consent). I need to recognize that if she chooses that, she is following my example. I have no idea what her future holds, I just want her to know that I am here to do my best to support her decisions.

(Fun fact – one of my best friends is currently going through this with his 12-year-old daughter. He asked her to explain her decision. He understood and is supportive.)

#leadership #gratitude #innovation #people #culture