Becoming The New You In The New Decade

When you're really unsure why you are struggling, stuck, and unable to have success on your own terms, think no further than to deeply understand your original family's dynamics. You're still playing the same role that you were assigned when you were a child, and the invisible blocks that hold you back are the "shoulds" that were assigned decades ago, now conflicting with your true, current desires.

You have responsibilities. You have obligations. You feel like they are something you have to do that you can't escape. You put yourself on the back-burner, compromise, and desperately want something, but you don't get the outcome. You stay stuck like this.

In many forms of personal development, this is commonly called an "identity issue." Psycho Cybernetics is a classic book about identity, and how much who we believe we are influences who we become. Through repetition of the same thoughts, feelings, and action, we learn to believe that we are a certain kind of person, and everything we do is about defending that identity.

I find the concept of identity very important, but not enough.

In my work, I call this a "role issue." This is because identity only forms from the role you've been assigned. When it comes to creating lasting transformation, understanding the relationship dynamics the individual came into at birth, how they were molded in childhood to play this role, and learned to form their identity, is absolutely crucial. Therefore, trying to change an identity when you still hold onto the same role to play makes the effort futile. Truly chancing an identity is tough without first changing the relationship role of the person that has been carried over from their original family.

It's important to note that we're tribal and social animals, and relationships are very important to us. From day 1, it was a means of survival. We develop the identity to fit into this assigned role. The individual does not choose the role. They are put into it, most commonly, by the needs of the (unconscious) parents and the existing family dynamics.

It's important to note that in dysfunctional or toxic family dynamics, roles are even more so strongly pronounced, and individuals from these families have a harder time with alignment, creating a life they truly want, and feeling fulfilled and happy.

The role you were assigned is the root cause of many of your current struggles. Leaving your family behind does not end the pattern. Once you form the identity through the assigned role, you continue to seek the same people who will allow you to play this familiar role in your adult life.

This is why people fail to fix a problem when they try to address adult problems as an adult problem. A banana is never just a banana when it's about persistent, recurring, or highly damaging adult problems. Toxic work environment and relationships, cheating spouse, addictions, eating problems, parenting problems, financial issues, loneliness, feeling empty and void, lacking of fulfilment and happiness... these are all symptoms of the role you learned to play many decades before you have had to face these issues as an adult. They were always there, below the surface. In adulthood, these problems erupt.

A child's mind is different from an adult's mind. A child's mind works emotionally. The adult mind works logically. Every single one of you once had an emotions-only brain. This is the definition of the subconscious mind. It's all feelings, intuition, and what we can also call the "spiritual" or the "heart" part of the mind. Many people talk about the subconscious, and using various tools to heal the subconscious but most people don't really understand how the subconscious mind actually works.

Much of your subconscious beliefs and patterns were formed through the role you played in your original family. You'd be surprised to know that the subconscious beliefs start forming in the womb, because fetuses can feel. Unless you address this crucial part of your subconscious development, you will not see changes. You're attached to playing the same role you were assigned, because once you were born, you've been conditioned to be a loyal soldier to protect to that role, for your own survival that relied on the older people around you.

From day 1 on this Earth, your mind has been magicked to fit into this dynamic. You've been blinded, or given a cone around your head to keep you single-visioned. You've been sheltered to focus and 100% commit to the reality that you've experienced, and you can't see how that limits your perspective of what's "reality." You've been thoroughly conditioned to believe in your assigned role, and to keep that role no matter what. You'll fall into depression, and self-destruct, self-sabotage, which means you're in conflict with that role, but you won't let go of that role. That's how powerful Conditioning really is.

Becoming a new person and starting a new chapter is about letting the old role go, layer by layer, and constructing a new role for yourself based on who you want to become. Remember that an actor cannot play two roles simultaneously, unless they are playing someone with multiple personality disorder (not aspirational!). Therefore, you must let go of your new role, or create an upgraded version of it, with a new vision. It means you have to stop doing what you used to conform to, if your new role doesn't require those characteristics. You can only have one role at a time. You get to choose that person. If life was a movie, you'd be the writing a brand new character for yourself, a role that is perfectly suitable for who you want to become.

Imagine being a leader of a corporation, and you decide to write a position that is perfectly suited to your liking. This is your new role. You follow the exact (job) description, and this becomes the new you, and forms your new life.

This is what it means to live life on your terms.

About the Author:

Julia Cha is a best-selling author and a success coach for women leaders ready to shatter glass ceilings. With her expertise in subconscious transformation, she guides her clients to create their dream life in all aspects: a thriving career, financial abundance, and supportive relationships.

Learn more: www.juliacha.com

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