Becoming a More Assertive Person

One of the things, I am beginning to hear from clients is more reluctance in their. vocabulary, language, and body gestures. It is almost like this time we have been quarantined, hands tied, put in a box, lost a job, financially stressed, emotional stressed for loved ones... that we are losing some of our confidence. It is merely a theory. I do not have hard dat to back this thesis, but it is a feeling in my gut based on my observations.

There is no doubt this time we are experience is taking a toll. And I am not immune to it either. So, I thought to share some ideas to help exercise our assertiveness and confidence Now is even more the time to put our shoulders back, stand tall, and press ahead.

First off, many people confuse assertiveness with aggression. There isn’t anything wrong or aggressive about open and honest communication when done appropriately. You’re merely clarifying your needs to another person.

• Assertiveness is being able to express your feelings while still respecting the feelings of others.

Benefits of Assertiveness

Assertiveness is an important skill that can greatly reduce the amount of conflict in your life if used appropriately. Assertive people tend to see that their own needs are met in a timely fashion and therefore are healthier individuals with much less stress in their lives. Remembering this is not at the expense of others.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, passive people see themselves as victims and may become resentful and angry until one day they explode. This leads to an unhealthy body and mind. Causing a domino in all aspects of life.

To help you avoid piling up resentments, I’ve compiled some techniques you can use to become a more assertive person.

Tips to Help You Become More Assertive 

1. Stick with the facts. When confronting someone about a problem, instead of exaggerating the situation by saying “You ALWAYS (or NEVER) ______” simply state the facts of the current situation. Always stick with facts. Acknowledge what is also not known.

• For example, if a person is habitually late, instead of telling them they’re always late, mention what time they arrived and what time they had agreed to be there. The discrepancy will speak for itself. By the way I was late the other day to a meeting and instead of saying I am sorry for being late, I immediate just stated I respect their time, what caused the delay and we moved into our meeting. Facts.

1. Begin with “I” instead of “You.” When you start a confrontation with “you,” it seems like an attack and usually puts the other individual on the defensive. Starting with the word “I” brings the focus to you – how their behavior has affected you and how you are feeling.

• Rather than criticize the other person, show the people in your life how their actions affect you. "This is how I am impacted by..."

1. Maintain a confident posture. Letting others see your confidence helps you to assert yourself. People will also feed off of your vibe.

• Stand up straight
• Look people in the eye
• Stay relaxed
• Speak clearly
• Respect the other individual’s personal space

Think of two people: one who is slouched over and afraid to look at your face and the other who is standing tall and commanding respect. Which one would you respect?

1. Use a firm pleasant tone of voice. Being assertive doesn’t mean raising your voice or getting emotional. Keep your responses short and direct. There’s no need to make excuses or justify your response. 

• Yelling only instigates more anger and possibly even violence. Only raise your voice on purpose. Speak your mind calmly to keep everyone calm.

1. Don’t assume that you already know the other individual’s motives. You may be surprised to find they aren’t the heinous person you thought they were! Whats the old adage about ASSUME?

• Just as you can’t judge a book by its cover, you might not know all the details of what’s happening in the life or mind of the other person.

1. Listen and then ask questions. Let me reiterate. LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Instead of concentrating on how right you are, remember to listen to the other person’s point of view. 

• Try to understand where the other person is coming from and ask questions to clarify any concerns you might have.

1. Compromise. You may need to compromise to find a solution that meets the needs of everyone involved. 

• The best solution is when both parties are satisfied with the outcome. 

1. Evaluate. Every situation is different, so you’ll need to assess the circumstances to determine how much assertiveness is appropriate.
2. Acknowledge your successes. Being assertive may not go well in every situation, but you can always learn from your mistakes and do something differently next time.

• Acknowledging your success brings you the confidence to continue asserting yourself.

You may occasionally feel guilt about asserting yourself because it can feel selfish to speak up about your own needs. Just remember that you, too, deserve to be treated with respect. You have needs as well. Being the best you, allows you to be the best you for others. Only you can teach people how to treat you. Only you can do the best job of taking care of you.