Becoming independent without "Soz" is a curse

Khawaja Bilal Hussain

August 21, 2022

?(Please note that all posts on this website along with words written below are my personal reflections with no link to my job)

All effective people must become emotionally independent, but a leader must additionally be driven by empathy and sympathetic benevolence to cause good to those whom s/he leads. I propose that no emotionally shackled person can actualize one’s inner self.

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Close your eyes and try to remember the events that caused extreme emotional pain in you. I can bet that all such events were caused by those on whom you depended for emotional needs. This pain source could be anyone including someone you thought you deeply loved, a boss whose approval was your professional aim, a team member whom you trusted, and a son whom you wanted to become your pride in others’ opinion etc. But the common theme would be that someone must have been the person on whom you depended. Imagine if you were not dependent upon them for your emotional pleasure. What a painless life would that have been! There was a time when I started believing in this as the solution to my vulnerabilities.

My hypothesis is when you depend upon someone, you give them control. And that giving control makes you vulnerable to the actions of those you depend upon. Imagine that you were in love in a way that their smiles made you feel in heaven, and their anger made you cry. Imagine your kid did not perform in school and that non-performance depressed you more than it affected your son. The only definite outcome would have been pain. There could be moments of pleasure too, but the pain is imminent. The solution: we should strive for gaining independence. An emotionally independent person would never feel pain. The one who does not feel emotional pain, will not emotionally suffer too. But this is where I was proven wrong not long after I started following this path.

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I was proven wrong when people reminded me as to how much emotional carnage I had created in those from whom I was independent but the vice versa was not true. I embarked upon the fact that this is not an ideal world. You can become independent but there would always be others who keep on depending upon you. And as you grow more independent, you become more effective, and this makes others less effective depend more upon you. Imagine you were the child on which your parent put pride. For example, an emotionally independent son would have less pain, but would cause a lot of emotional pain to his emotionally dependent parent. ?In fact, everything I have mentioned in the preceding paragraph that caused pain to me, somehow, was also true for me as the one causing it when I was on the other side.

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So, becoming independent was never the solution although I have been pursuing the same for a long time. In my search for independence, I have created more enemies than friends. For instance, if I look at my close circles, almost all people who have been proven to be enemies over time, were there. I have no enemy who was not close to me. So many hearts were broken by me, and so many bodies were put into an emotional bag by my indifference. I doubt that I would ever be able to become a true leader in spirit unless I change my independence to something which is less painful than dependence.

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Now, for a long time, until very recently, I was at a fix as to how to escape from becoming emotional wreck without causing one. Being dependent is a curse, being independent proved to be even worse than this. How can someone become a leader who does not depend upon anyone, but people depend on him / her and are vulnerable to the wishful leader’s carefree behavior. This problem I have still not overcome.

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Lately, I have been told a recipe to test and I would like to narrate it after experiencing it for a few months. The recipe was quoted by many as one of the ways to not cause emotional wrecks and still become independent emotionally. This recipe has the element of empathy and benevolence.

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I have been told that one must be free in his mind because without the independence, one is never able to become one’s true self. The only way when one’s true self will come outside is when there will be no emotional shackles keeping one slave. This I had experienced. You would recall that your performance significantly improved when you were able to say what you truly excelled on without any regard of seeking approval or causing anger in people around. When these mind shackles are removed, we become more effective.

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But I was additionally cautioned that if that independence is achieved without empathy and sympathetic benevolence (I have started calling it sympathetic benevolence as I was told to have a Jaan pur Soz in Urdu and I don’t have a perfect translation of this state of mind), my true self will come out along with the darkness that exists in all of us. But that independence with Soz will make me socially aware and sensitive to emotional needs of my audience without causing any loss in my efficacy. Lately I have tried this – speaking my mind out but after understanding the others through a lens of empathy and Soz, the results are better. I am not there yet and may never will be, but I am improving as per my self-evaluation exercise. ?

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I am about to conclude that when I become very sensitive to such emotions, I end up having an attitude of selfless love. You could also picture the selfless love if you look at your son or daughter. This selfless love would not make you dependent upon the other person but will create hope along with empathy for his / her action. Easy to relate personal reference: I feel that selfless love for the one I love. It is not pain anymore. It still exists in true form but in the form of hope and not suffering.

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The more the selfless love one is able to impart, the larger the circle of influence of a true leader become. Learning for the professional life: I am tending to form a view that the peak of my capabilities can only be achieved if I do not depend upon anyone. But I will not be worthy of being called a people leader unless my independence is matched by selfless love. Absolute independence of someone leads to absolute power and this corrupts absolutely.

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Please share any other recipe you may have to simultaneously avoid becoming an emotional wreck and causing carnage. If you don’t have one, try mine. Some of you will definitely succeed. I request those among you to kindly educate me as to how you transformed my words into a belief system!?