Becoming A Gottman Leader!

I’m thrilled to announce that I recently completed my training as a Gottman Leader for The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work!

Together with Victoria, who has been leading in this area for over two years, we’re excited to guide couples in building stronger, more fulfilling relationships, insha'Allah. With this achievement, we can now offer a range of support—workshops, practical exercises, and personalised guidance - all grounded in Gottman’s research-based approach to relationship health.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, developed by Dr. John Gottman, is a framework based on decades of research that outlines the essential habits of healthy, lasting relationships. Through these principles, couples gain tools to deepen their connection, enhance communication, and foster emotional intimacy.

So What Are The Seven Principles

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

This principle encourages couples to explore each other’s inner world - their interests, dreams, and worries - as a way to deepen empathy and strengthen emotional connection. By investing time in each other’s love maps, you can increase intimacy and reignite passion in the relationship.

Dr. Gottman explains that while our love map for our partner may have been detailed at the beginning of the relationship, it can become "out-of-date" as we both change over time. Love maps, therefore, are meant to be kept "current."

To keep your love maps current, ask open-ended questions like:

"Is there something you've been stressed about that you haven't shared yet?"

By inviting your partner to talk about any recent worries, you foster a safe space for sharing both big and small concerns.

2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration

Maintaining a positive perspective about your partner, even during conflicts, helps sustain affection and respect. Gottman identifies these qualities as the essential antidotes to contempt - a key predictor of relationship breakdown.

Victoria and I encourage couples to try a simple activity called "Recognising Your Partner." This exercise is based on the "I Appreciate" concept, where partners take turns sharing three or more positive qualities they admire in each other, along with specific examples that illustrate each quality.

For example:

"I appreciate your creativity. I loved the way you planned our weekend date—it was so fun and unique, and it reminded me of how lucky I am to have someone as imaginative as you."

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

The guiding principle is to “do small things often.” According to Gottman, real-life romance thrives when you consistently show your partner that they are valued amidst the daily routine. Couples who accept each other’s “bids for attention” and turn towards each other have more in their “emotional bank account.”

Example: 'Honey, what should we get for dessert tonight?' Turning toward would be putting your phone away at the grocery store and saying: 'Let's pick something out together. I've been craving chocolate cake, what do you think?'

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Being willing to consider each other’s perspectives and make decisions together fosters a sense of partnership, which is essential for relationship health and equality.

Based on this principle, Victoria and I we suggest a fun date night activity to practise this concept. For example, couples can take turns planning surprise dates for each other that incorporate both partners’ preferences, enhancing collaboration and respect.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

According to Gottman, every relationship encounters two types of problems: solvable problems and perpetual problems. Solvable problems can be effectively addressed and resolved through constructive dialogue and problem-solving skills.

On the other hand, perpetual problems are ongoing issues that couples will face over the years. These may lead to feelings of discouragement and can cause couples to become gridlocked in their relationship.

Exercise: To tackle solvable problems, we encourage couples to identify one specific issue they often argue about and use the following steps:

1. Soften Your Startup: Begin the conversation without criticism or contempt.
2. Learn To Make And Receive Repair Attempts: Look for ways to de-escalate tension during discussions.
3. Soothe Yourself and Soothe Each Other: If emotions run high, take a break to calm down before continuing the conversation. After you calm down assist your partner to do the same
4. Compromise: Identify areas where both partners can compromise by thoughtfully considering each other's perspectives.
5. Accept Each Other's Flaws: Acknowledge that no one is perfect and accept each other's flaws while overcoming the "if only" mindset, such as wishing for changes in your partner's attributes.

By following these steps, couples can effectively address solvable problems and improve their communication.

6. Overcome Gridlock:

For conflicts rooted in fundamental differences, it’s essential for couples to understand each other's needs and dreams in order to find ways to compromise and manage those differences respectfully.

To uncover the root of your partner's differences, take on the role of what Gottman calls a “Dream Detective.” This approach encourages couples to explore each other's dreams and aspirations, facilitating deeper understanding.

Exercise: Couples can use the following questions to guide their exploration:

1. What are your dreams? Each partner should share their individual dreams without interruption.
2. What do these dreams mean to you? Discuss the significance of these aspirations.
3. How can we support each other's dreams? Brainstorm ways to help one another achieve these goals.

By engaging in this exercise, couples can navigate deep-seated issues together, fostering a sense of teamwork and understanding in their relationship.

7. Create Shared Meaning:

Gottman suggests that couples identify their core values and develop rituals of connection that reflect those values, such as attending Jummah prayer together, establishing a weekly date night, or a monthly family game night.

Additionally, couples should discuss their roles within the relationship, create shared symbols that represent their partnership, and craft a mission statement outlining their shared goals and aspirations. This process fosters deeper understanding and stronger emotional connections rooted in shared faith and values.

Why Are These Principles Important for Couples

The Seven Principles provide a reliable blueprint for building strong, lasting relationships by addressing common pitfalls like resentment and emotional disconnection. They are versatile, useful across all stages of a relationship.

As Gottman & Silver note, “One of the strengths of The Seven Principles is its versatility in addressing all stages of a relationship. This book is for you if you’re single and want to ‘road test’ your relationship before making a permanent commitment. It is also for you if you’ve already committed and want to bolster and protect what you have. If you and your partner are facing dramatic life changes or challenges, The Seven Principles will help you stay connected. Following the guidance in the pages ahead may also rescue a marriage that is already in deep danger.” (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. xvii)

These principles aren’t just about predicting divorce - they’re also about actively preventing it and fostering a healthy, fulfilling connection that endures through life’s ups and downs.

In Summary

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work provide practical, evidence-based tools that empower couples to enhance their emotional closeness and effectively manage conflicts. Each principle underscores the importance of communication, understanding, and respect in building a strong relationship.

By integrating these principles into your daily lives, you can create a fulfilling partnership that withstands challenges and celebrates shared joys. The insights gained from Gottman’s extensive research equip couples with actionable steps to improve their relationships and navigate the complexities of married life.

As Gottman Leaders, Victoria and I are dedicated to guiding couples on this transformative journey. If you’re engaged, newly married, or simply seeking to strengthen your bond, we invite you to reach out to us.

Together, we can explore tailored workshops and personalised support designed to help you build the loving, resilient relationship you aspire to achieve.

Taf & Victoria

Tea For Two

Get ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ On Amazon HERE

Visit our couples work here: www.teafortwo.uk/thrive