Become a Better Listener

The way we work today changed so drastically after the pandemic. Just until a couple of years ago, we used to have a desk phone number and we encouraged each other to “just pick up the phone”. But with the rise of online meeting platforms, that phrase almost disappeared from our vocabulary. Most of our communications moved to Teams, Webex or Zoom, with the increase of hybrid work and more collaboration happening in remote teams. We have more convenience and speed, no doubt about that, but we are also more easily distracted and less connected to the people we work with. While in a call, we see a chat message on Teams or WhatsApp, someone ringing at the door or an urgent email popping up. All this makes it more difficult to stay connected and engaged. So how can we better communicate and create more connection with our co-workers and team members, while staying efficient and productive?

To find answers to this question, 艾默生 's Women’s Impact Organization invited Octavian Istrate, trainer in Nonviolent Communication (NVC), to run an online workshop and share with us a few tips about how to become a better listener and communicate more effectively with others. It was a learning experience that brought new perspectives and insights so I want to leave here a few learnings, and some interesting insights from the participants. Like with every skill, the only way we become better at listening, is by practicing and setting a clear intention to actively listen to what others have to say.

Be aware of your blockers

We all have our Kryptonite and biases, or otherwise we wouldn't be human. But if we want to have positive relations and get the results we want in our work, we need to become aware of these weaknesses. When we are in a conversation and the other person is talking, we risk to break the connection with the other, if we fall into one of these behaviors.

1. Giving advice, instead of listening to understand. Sometimes people don’t need your advice (especially unsolicited one). They just want to verbalize and express their ideas and feelings in a safe space.
2. Interrogation. When you ask questions not with the goal to better understand the other person’s perspective, but to satisfy your own curiosity or need to know more details, it becomes a blocker.
3. Analyzing. It’s when you judge the other based on your own knowledge, values and beliefs.
4. Reassuring. It's not always a good idea to say “don’t worry, everything is going to be ok”, without taking the time to understand what the other really feels. Sometimes, everything will not be ok, and we need to also accept that.
5. Shut down happens when you minimize what the other is going through and instead you say, “It’s nothing, just ignore it, don’t make a big deal out of it.”
6. Pity is probably one of the worst blockers. You want to appear compassionate, but you are talking from a place of superiority and disengagement. “I really feel sorry for you, but there’s nothing I can do.”
7. Sharing our story, when the conversation is not about us. When you tell someone who is going through a difficult time “You know, I had experienced something worse, let me tell you how it was for me”, you lack empathy.
8. One upping is when you want to share how you handled something and overcame it, so you appear stronger and in control. This makes you feel better than the other person.
9. Changing the subject, to avoid an uncomfortable situation that would put you in a vulnerable place. Being afraid to handle discomfort when feeling strong emotions.

Listening increases long-term effectiveness

There is this misconception that listening takes time and “we need to move fast and get things done”. This is a counterproductive mindset. If we invest ten minutes to actively listen and understand what the other wants, that will also give us a better perspective and make us more effective in prioritizing and deciding what to focus on next. A half hour call where one person talks and doesn’t take the time to listen to the perspective of others, will create an endless chain of more half hour calls between the team members, to re-align and dive deeper into different aspects of the project. It will create more work and inefficiencies.

So taking the time to listen, is actually helping you getting things done faster because you will work with more engaged and open people who are willing to support each other. Active listening creates trust and psychological safety, which in turn makes collaboration work more enjoyable and meaningful for everyone.

But you need to have faith and trust the process before you can reap the benefits. The positive effects of active listening cannot be measured by our analytical left sided brain. We need to test and practice with intention, and then judge if it works or not.

Being a good listener doesn't mean that you need to be available all the time, for anyone who wants your attention. We all have a limited number of hours in a day, and our own priorities and things to get done. Learning how to say no, is not only an act of self care, but also an act of respect for the others. If you know you cannot be there for truly listening, better say it, so the other person can find support somewhere else.

It all starts with setting an intention

We had an interesting discussion during the workshop about where to start when we want to develop this muscle of active listening. One simple way to start is to take 5 minutes before going into an important conversation, to clarify our objective and intention. We can create a short visual checklist or add a few post-its in front of us, until it becomes a habit:

• What is my objective going into this conversation? What do I expect happening at the end of this interaction?
• What is my intention? How do I want to make the other person feel? Intention is always linked to generating an emotion and you can use an active verb to identify it. I want to inspire, to convince, to motivate, to encourage, or to comfort someone else.
• How connected do I currently feel with the other person I talk to? At what level is that connection: intellectual, emotional or both? Being aware of this, can help you focus more on certain aspects, that will help the other person open up and connect easier.

At the end of the day, what we want to get out of our interactions is mutual understanding, trust and connection. That will establish the foundation for positive relationships and a productive work environment. We feel most connected to someone, when we simply feel that the other person sees us and values us for who we are. There is an exchange of positive energy and both parties feel more empowered and uplifted.

Food for thought

One of the most difficult question is: Can we make other people listen to what we have to say? The short answer is, it depends. We cannot make other people do anything, if they don't want to. The only thing we can control is the way we express our message, making sure we communicate to inspire and engage. If we communicate effectively and our message resonates, people will be more open to listen. While in a meeting, you can send some signals when you see that others are disengaged or not listening. But the first thing you should be asking yourself is whether your delivery is engaging enough. Are they bored or distracted because they are not interested (in that case they shouldn't be there in the first place), or because your delivery is monotonous and boring (something you can improve and better control next time). We cannot control other people's reactions, but we can definitely observe them and reflect on what we can do differently in the future, to create more connection, engagement and get the results we want.

Practice practice practice

There is only one way to become a better listener and that is by actually doing it.

Start by just observing your own behavior during conversations and become aware of any blockers that you might have. Depending on your personality type and area of expertise, you might have one predominant one. For example, if you are a manager, you might jump too fast into giving advice. Or you might find it difficult to show emotions, so you quickly change the subject and shut the other person down when you feel emotional discomfort building up.

One efficient way to practice is to find a listening buddy, someone who also wants to develop this skill. You can block half an hour each week and try this role play exercise below.

In his negotiations book Never split the difference, Chris Voss shares a few practical tools that I have been personally using and made a big difference in my relationships:

• Asking open ended questions and then pausing;
• Using minimal encouragers, words or sounds like "aha", "hmm", "yes", that will reassure the other person we are paying attention;
• Mirroring what the other person says is a way to verbalize empathy;
• Labelling or naming other person's feelings;
• Paraphrasing or repeating what the other says, in your own words;
• Summarizing (which is the most difficult part).

You can watch this video for a more detailed explanation and some additional examples.

The truth is, practicing active listening can be exhausting, especially as we try to build the skill and it doesn't come to us naturally. We shouldn't expect it to be easy, but at the same time, we shouldn't put too much pressure on ourselves either. We need to choose the conversations wisely and with intention. The more we practice it, the more it becomes a habit and feels effortless. I feel so grateful to work with people who want to become better and make a difference in their own work environment. If we want others to listen to us, we can start by becoming better listeners ourselves.

Anna Horn Luciana Lazar Evelynn Verdyck Sandra Hertveld Teodora Bojan Geert Van Cauter Ineke Tolboom Izabella Czira Phuong Vo Ximena A. Kristien Jacobs Alin Dragan Vera Vankerkhove