Because Nice Matters: The Gift of Gratitude

The red pen slashes emblazoned across every page of my meticulously written essay are still ingrained in my mind.

So is the big fat "C" that graced the top of my first essay of freshman-year English class. 

My face turned nearly the same color as the pen marks as I took in what was happening. This was not the start to high school I imagined after graduating from middle school with a 4.0 GPA. I had always been a solid student and had never earned a C in my life.

“I think…”

“I believe…”

“I feel…”

Each time I had written those words within my essay, Ms. Schaffer crossed them out. “You’re the one writing, so it’s implied that this is what you think, believe, and feel. It weakens your writing.”

Ouch.

Quite the ego blow to the overachieving, perfectionistic 14-year-old.

But, I’m grateful she did it. I still remember that experience 20 years later, and it has shaped my writing ever since. From that point forward, I never began a sentence with those words.

Years later, after I had graduated from college, I sought out Ms. Schaffer’s email address. I wrote a detailed note thanking her for the lessons she taught me about the English language and about writing. I didn’t expect a response in return but was pleasantly surprised when she replied:

“Dear Rachel -- what a fabulous surprise when I opened my email and found your message. Thank you ever so much for your kind words! As a teacher, I am always anxious to know how my students make out in the "big world" once they leave my classroom. I never had a doubt that you would make your mark in the world. And, I knew you would pursue a career that involved working with people -- as they say, you're a people person. You will make a difference in the lives of the people you work with and for."

What a gift to have a teacher like that; a teacher who told the truth with the goal of transforming her students’ ability to effectively and meaningfully communicate their thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

Since then, I've had the honor of receiving dozens of thank you notes and emails from clients, colleagues, and friends.

I save all of the kind and thoughtful emails in a "Kudos!" file in my Inbox. I have a collection of thank you notes bound together in a large bin in my basement. I pin and post other notes on the tack board at my desk, so I can be reminded of what I do well on days when it feels like nothing is going right.

At the WELCOA Summit a few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to share a few lessons learned over the past two years, since being recognized as their Top Health Promotion Professional in 2015. I shared the physical struggles and burnout I experienced earlier this year that forced me to enter into a state of reflection. I've learned how important it is to be honest and open about my struggles, especially as a practitioner in the wellness field with all of the pressure we put on ourselves to have it all together. My hope is that sharing my struggles will give other people permission to open up about theirs.

That evening at a nearby reception for all of the Summit attendees, a vibrant woman named Marisa introduced herself, and we instantly connected over shared struggles and insecurities. We chatted for close to 20 minutes and then went our separate ways.

The next morning, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned as Marisa handed me a handwritten note before hurrying away. I stepped aside and unfolded it to find this:

"Rachel, I just wanted to send you a quick thank you for sharing your story of vulnerability in such a courageous way...to a room full of strangers. I appreciate our conversation at the museum more than you know. Before arriving, I asked God to send me a sign/confirmation that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I have been called to do. You were absolutely used as an instrument of his peace and mine. You are a gift."

In that moment, I was overcome with a deep feeling of love and gratitude. I could literally feel a warmth come over my body as I let myself experience the fullness of the moment. What a privilege it was to be on the receiving end of such kind, heartfelt words.

We know how powerful it is to be affirmed and appreciated by someone else and how good it makes us feel, yet how often we thank the people who have had a significant impact on our lives? Teachers? Mentors? Colleagues? Coworkers? Bosses? Friends? Family?  

Too many people die never knowing the impact they had on other people’s lives. 

That deeply saddens me. 

It needs to change.

It starts with each one of us.

I was fortunate to be raised by parents for whom thank you notes were an expectation, not an exception. 

From the time I was a little girl, I had to write the thank you note before I could play with the toy. As a kid, I'm sure I fussed about it and pitched an occasional fit, but the lesson stuck with me. To this day, I write thank you notes for every gift I receive and in response to every heartfelt gesture or the gift of someone’s time. 

I do it because kindness matters and because appreciation fosters connection. We need more kindness and connection in this world.

My dad, who is one of the wisest people I know, works as a management consultant and executive coach, writes an inspiring monthly blog, and does his part to bring kindness and appreciation wherever he goes. For the past few years, he has given some of his clients a sign with three simple words to hang in their office as a guide for how to interact with people and run a business:

Because Nice Matters

I'm grateful to him and my mom for what they did to instill a spirit of gratitude in me. I'm grateful that they taught me the importance of kindness, appreciation and connection.

I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to share that message with thousands of people at companies, conferences, retreats, and through my blog.

To remind people that kindness counts, gratitude is essential, and being nice matters.

This week, I was inspired by a challenge set forth by my friend and colleague, Andrew Sykes. It sparked me to challenge you to take one of the following steps in the next 30 days to spread more kindness and connection:

1. Follow Andrew's Lead and Share a Little VIAL (VERY INTENTIONAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF LOVE): Join us on LinkedIn, as we thank someone who has positively influenced and impacted our life or career each day for the next 30 days, leading up to The Love Summit business conference in Cincinnati, Ohio. Both Andrew and I will be speaking there; you can learn more about the Love Summit here.
2. Gratitude Letter: Pick someone in your life who did something for you for which you are extremely grateful but have not fully expressed your gratitude. Follow these prompts from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley to write a gratitude letter. To get the most out of this activity, read the letter to the recipient in person or over the phone (try to see each other's expression vs. just doing it verbally, if possible). Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have found this one act to increase happiness for up to one month.
3. 7 Days of Appreciation. Pick one person in your life with whom you interact regularly. Each day for 7 days, tell them or write a note with one thing you appreciate about them. We did this at my company a few years ago for 21 days and I still have every single note my co-worker, Michela, wrote me. That's how much they meant to me.
4. The 2-Minute Drill. This idea and the one below are inspired by happiness expert, Shawn Achor. Take one positive experience from the past 24 hours and spend two minutes writing down every detail you can remember about that experience. When we intentionally assign meaning to experiences in our lives, we can rewire our brain to look for meaning in every experience.
5. Gratitude Jumpstart. Each day for one week, email a coworker or colleague to let them know something you appreciate about them. Pay attention to how starting your day with an attitude of appreciation sets the tone for the rest of your day. What we focus on expands.
6. Send a Tribute Video. I recently learned about Andrew Horn's innovative company at the WELCOA Summit and love what he is doing to use video to spread gratitude. Whether you want to thank one friend or create a montage expressing appreciation and love from a bunch of friends or coworkers, Tribute can make it happen.

Don't delay gratitude.

Express it today and every day.

You never know the difference you could make in someone else's life by letting them know how they've impacted yours.

*If you liked this article, check out some of my other posts:

• The Key to Employee Retention & Morale
• Be, Belong, Become: A New Vision for the Workplace
• The 3 Cs of Wellbeing: A Return to What Matters Most
• Kindness is Contagious: Spreading the Gift of Giving Back