The Beauty of the ‘Yes, And….’

Dear Reader,

When do you feel most valued and listened to?

Mine could be a bulleted list. In conversation with anyone, in any relationship, the use of ‘yes, and…’ is a gift in that I feel valued, heard, and respectfully challenged to branch my thoughts.

The word used most often is ‘but’. There is very little more distracting than a big old ‘but’. It evokes an immediate response, a reaction. Even if we aren’t aware of it.

But….Aisha, that is ridiculous,” you may think. Yes, and it is true. There is a lost truth in our dominant culture: multiple things can be true, and co-exist, at the same time. “But, Aisha, there is only THE truth!” Yes, and what that truth is depends on many things.

The word ‘but’ in its simplest form in English is used to connect contrasting ideas. And, what occurs in our brains when that word is used is anything other than a connection of contrasting ideas. ‘But’ is a consistent, intrusive relationship landmine that we encounter daily.

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Stay with me.

“I think you did a great job, but….”

“I love your edits, but…”

“I think your resume and experience are fantastic, but…”

What are you feeling after the word ‘but’ has made an appearance?

Most people, not all, are waiting for bad news, real news, or other relationship landmines.

Whatever words precede ‘but’ are negated. They likely will not matter in the brain of the person we are speaking to.

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Enter the beauty of the ‘yes, and…’

‘Yes’, will validate that you hear what is being shared with you. ‘Yes’, means our words matter. ‘Yes’, creates a receptive energy in our conversations. ‘And’, offers branches of thought without negating whatever has already been shared.

The beauty of the ‘yes, and’ is that it creates trust and partnership in relationships. ‘Yes, and’ is a path to co-creation and agreement. ‘Yes, and’ offers a foundation for growth and meaningful intention.

In conversation, I have started to note body language, facial expressions, and tone with the word ‘but’, and it has been enlightening for me. The word ‘but’ likes to carry frustration, a frown, a pout, and general discontent in its carry-on luggage.

‘But’ is a landmine, it implodes from a human and lands in the middle of the conversation. You can see the impact viscerally. I have noticed people lean back from the word ‘but’, as it leaves someone’s mouth. The word ‘but’ is not a soft word, spoken endearingly or affectionately.

Yes, is an incredibly validating word. Some of us wait a lifetime for the word yes.

I encourage you, dear reader, to try replacing ‘but’ with ‘yes, and’ for a bit. See what changes, and what doesn’t, feel how conversations and relationships may shift. It is not an easy shift, and it is worth it.

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Warmly,

A Woman Who Believes in the Power of Yes and Knows the Power of a ‘But’