A Beautiful Mess

“Do you like walking in the rain?

When you think of love, do you think of pain?

You can tell me what you see

I will choose what I believe

Hold on, darling

This body is yours,

This body is yours and mine

Well hold on, my darling

This mess was yours

Now your mess is mine."

Mess is Mine by Vance Joy

As a child, I developed a bad habit that continues to pop back up all too frequently.  My Dad got transferred a lot with his work; and so, our family was moving almost every two years.  By the time I was in second grade, we had lived in five different states.  My early years involved a reoccurring theme of moving to a new place, struggling to make new friends, and then leaving shortly thereafter to start the process over again. I am an introvert, so starting over was somewhat daunting to me.  So, I began to wonder, "why bother being known by the other kids if I was going to leave soon anyway?"  I couldn't really see the point. 

 This bad habit started to develop as I created a defense mechanism of not allowing myself to be known.  It seemed to be less risky than the awkwardness of starting over and becoming vulnerable with others.  I was insecure and apprehensive about allowing others to get to know me, and this felt safe.  The process of starting from scratch with new friends in each location had me doubting my own worth and value.  So, I learned how to keep people out.   

It stemmed from fear, doubt, laziness, and insecurity.  I don't know if one outweighed any of the others, but they all played into this scenario for me.  The lingering thought was that deep down I wondered if everyone was as messed up as I was.   I feared that I was worse, much worse.  Since I didn't allow myself to be known, I also didn't get to know those around me either.  So, I kept this fear, this insecurity with me at all times.  There was no data to deny that I was the most messed up.  

  I wonder how many of us struggle with the fears of not wanting others to see us as we really are?  Deep down, do we think that our thoughts, sins, or actions are worse than those around us?  My opinion is that this type of thinking is prevalent in our society, or at least occurs way more often than we like to discuss at church.  I can't speak to every reason why this happens, but I can talk about why it happened in my life and what helped to alleviate or at least reduce it in my life.  

On my journey to overcoming this mentality, the first thing that I had to do was to learn to trust others.  This started with my relationship with God and carried over into the other relationships in my life. Deuteronomy 31:6 says,  "I will never leave nor forsake you."  I began to hang on and meditate on this verse frequently.  However, this was a promise that needed more than intellectual assent.  I needed to get this promise embedded in my heart and mind.  I mean, I needed the constant reminder that God was committed to me, even in the middle of my sin, short comings, mistakes, and he knew about all those places of shame, doubt, and unbelief in my life.  In other words, I needed to know that I was accepted and loved even at my very worst. 

But, I also needed to risk connection with other believers.   Early on, I had struggled with the lie that I was not worth knowing; so, I embarked on a lonely road of not allowing myself to be known by others.  My thoughts, feelings, fears, doubts, and emotions were kept in check and inside.  No wonder I was misunderstood and isolated, no one was allowed to hear those things that were the driving forces in the actions and words that I was choosing. My loneliness was driven by a series of bad decisions, and I had to risk getting hurt in order to get out of that cycle.  As the old saying goes, I had to weigh out the risk versus the reward. 

My first taste of real community was in the youth group at my church. I  was challenged to allowed other people to begin to know me.  CS Lewis said it best, "Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself!"  When you find friendship like that, it is a treasured gift.  They allowed me to see the worth in myself that I couldn't see, and they allowed me to experience the beauty and even pain of community, of life lived together.   I discovered people around me that were willing to wallow into the messiness of my life, and  they helped to pull me out when I got bogged down.  I also experienced the privilege of the being invited to wallow into their messiness when they got bogged down.  The lies that had long followed me began to wilt in the light of truth.  

However, as I grew up, I had to adapt to seeing relationships change and some of the close relationships that I once experienced became more distant.  Now, I had to begin again and try to develop healthy and deep relationships with new people.  The fear or the habitual pattern leaved in my childhood again came back to haunt me.  Would I take the easy road and remain unknown or would I dare to risk and reach out?  Was the personal cost worth the dividend of finding true community again?

The decision was that I had to commit to seeking out authentic community, even when it was not readily available.  As things have changed in my life, I have had to do this several different times. This means doing it even when I had to search and be proactive in the process, something that was hard for an introvert to do.  I had to remind myself of the promises from the scriptures to drown out the lies that I kept hearing in my own thoughts.

I would add that I have also experienced judgement and had people say things in public that I had shared in private.  In other words, there have also been times where me being vulnerable was not respected and I felt shamed and burned by what I had shared.  Even so, a few bad experiences don't erase all the good community and fellowship that I have enjoyed.   If that has been your experience, please don't give up on Godly fellowship, community, and friendship. It is still out there, but you must continue to seek it out.  

Something that has helped me is to remember this simple yet profound truth: Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven.   In fact, there is a messiness in the life of every believer whether they are willing to admit it or not.  D.T. Niles described evangelism as, "one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread." The beauty is that Christ was willing to enter that messiness for beggars like you and me.  So, I can now trust my messiness with him and with other believers in my life.  I can also share some of the beauty of Christ  with others when I am willing to wade into the their messy lives.  I can say to them, "I'm messed up too, but we have a savior who can make something beautiful out of this mess."  

  “Our community with one another consists solely in what Christ has done to each of us.” 

― Dietrich Bonhoeffer