The Beatific Mrs. Biswas & Real Morning Routines:

Nomoshkar my lovely people! I am Mrs. Biswas and my mother taught me two things in life – to have my own opinions and to heat the oil properly before frying fish. I only learned the first one and the second, well, my cook is now learning from YouTube.

Everyone who sees me says – ‘Ah…Mrs. Biswas, you have beatific smile…’ – to which I say – ‘Please add ‘a’….it’s a beatific smile.’ This is what makes me beatific – I always point out others’ grammar mistakes with a smile. Because that is what makes a Bengali girl’s DNA. Correct grammar and love of biriyani.

Today, I was sipping my morning cha with a Marie biscuit when Mr.Biswas shoved his phone in front of my face with, “Ei see, you are always going on about waking up early – see this influencer, Gel Bobbins…..she has a morning routine for everyone. You should try it."

Normally, I would be irritated if someone talked to me before my first cup of cha but I was so surprised that Mr. Biswas had woken up at 8 am that I let it go.

I looked at the phone – the lady guttered on in her American accent –

"Morning routines are transforming! If you dream of success, just follow this routine for 21 days and you will have everything you desire! Wake up at 4.45 am, drink lemon juice, then drink bullet coffee, yoga for 45 minutes, meditate for 30 minutes, write 4 pages in your diary, read 5 pages of an inspiring book, drink some more green crap, walk your dog, eat the rolled oats you had boxed up last Sunday, block your Google calendar for the day and you are done! Easy, isn't it? It's just 9 am and you have done so much!"

Easy??!! I temporarily lost my beatific smile and other words formed in my mouth. My head was spinning from just reading this and she wants me to do this for 21 days! I glared at Mr.Biswas, who was blissfully asleep again. I did the next best thing – broke out the chocolate Bourbon biscuits with another cup of cha.

Once my blood sugar and anger had stabilized, I opened my laptop, used my A-grade internet spying skills, and found Gel Bobbins' email and I sent her an 'honest' reply:

“Dear Mrs. Bobbins,

Hi from India! I watched your video on 'Morning Routines' (PFA) and I have to give you a reality check for any future video ideas you may have.

You see, this is how a morning routine really works. I set my alarm for 6 am and snooze it thrice, because I am tired from sleeping late after cleaning the kitchen and binge-watching something on Netflix to forget about the cockroaches I had to kill.

I finally wake up to the doorbell – my cook has arrived. So I blindly wrap a dupatta over my tee and stand zombie-like while the cook asks me what to make. I remember there’s nothing in the fridge and open the BigBasket app to order stuff. The maid calls and says she’s working from home. I alternate between brushing, taking my first Gelusil shot of the day, washing dishes, checking Facebook, and replying to urgent office WhatsApp messages and emails.

Finally, I sit with a moment of peace with a soul-rejuvenating cup of tea (with full-fat milk, cardamom or ginger, and sugar, so that's 200 calories and heartburn for you right there……). For inspiration, I watch YouTube videos on 'Workation in Manali', ‘coz that’s all the fantasy travel I can do right now.

Even if I try to do yoga or meditate, there is a constant background track going – “Order birthday gift…. send out monthly report…call mom…call MIL…buy new shoes…nag Mr. Biswas to do yoga…ask the cook to make luchi tomorrow (flatbread as you unimaginatively call it)…sort BigBasket delivery in fridge…eat healthily…check weight…learn video editing…OMG, I am getting stressed…breathe, breathe, breathe out, lie down on mat and sleeeep…"

When I wake up, it’s 10 am and I’m at my laptop, logging in for the day, hungry, harried, and disappointed with myself, looking forward to biriyani or pizza for lunch. So when Mr.Biswas, now finally awake, comes up with a carb-loaded cheese omelet, I fill my gratitude journal with 'Thank God for husbands!'

Btw, don’t even get me started on the morning routine of my friends who have kids!

Hope you love this bulleted feedback. Always remember me before you share another 'Morning Routine' video. If you ever come down to India, I'll treat you to piping hot luchis and cha - now that's a morning routine you will follow for life!!”

XoXo, Mrs.B