The Bear Shows the Lingering Impact of Toxic Behavior

Toxic behavior in leadership doesn’t build resilience; instead, it undermines it.

Leaders face stressful situations more often than we’d like. You have a deadline to meet, a supplier is late, a customer is unhappy, or something outside your control affects your business.?

When you are under pressure or facing a crisis, do you find yourself reflecting on your supportive leaders or bullies?

There’s a good chance you think about the bullies because you associate them with duress. The bullies, in fact, most likely justified their behavior by saying that they helped you perform under challenging circumstances.?

It’s total B.S.?

I’ve been bullied by peers and seniors, and those memories haunt me occasionally. I accepted the narrative that such experiences “toughened me up,” and regrettably, I passed along some bullying as a sophomore at West Point. I was wrong, and I’ve been fighting bullying ever since.???

Watching The Bear helped me put these experiences into perspective.

The Bear is a TV show about how a Chicago restaurant transformed from The Beef to The Bear and how the chefs evolved.?

My wife got me into cooking several years ago, and I even have a few signature dishes like cedar plank salmon and a Tuscan sausage meal.?

I find most reality TV cooking shows too often promoting toxic chef motifs as if any creative genius must be a deranged sociopath.

The Bear is different.?

Carmy is the main character and lead chef. He took over the sandwich shop after his brother’s death by suicide and is transforming it into a high-end restaurant.

Carmy had three excellent mentors as he trained and developed as a chef and one bully. His memories of the positive role models center on their encouragement and how they developed his skills. The bully gives him verbal abuse.

Under duress, Carmy’s flashbacks center on the bully and the horrible things he said, and his behavior in those situations often reflects those of his tormentor.

He’s sorry and apologizes afterward, but how remorseful can you be if the behavior continues?

Carmy confronts the tormentor, who claims his abuse turned the former into a great chef who can handle anything.

Carmy, I suspect we’ll see in Season 4, begins to realize that the three supportive mentors taught him to be a great chef and helped him develop his particular superpowers and signature dishes. He deployed these skills under the pressure of a live kitchen and in the face of torment.

Abuse might have tested his skills under duress, but they did not develop them. You go into stressful situations with the resilience you have – it’s revealed, not developed, in crisis.

Head-trash is the lasting impact of torment.?

The bullies don’t make you resilient; the supportive leaders and your response to them do. The bullying is not about you; it’s about them – their insecurities and power-tripping. You succeed despite the bullies, not because of them. The strength of your positive influences allows you to bounce forward from toxic situations.

If you’ve got head-trash from bullies, know that they had nothing to do with your resilience. They tested it, and you went forward.?

Perhaps you used the experience to strengthen your skills, but they were not some sort of awful crucible that made you better – the supportive people and your willingness to learn from them did that. You already had what you needed to deal with their B.S.

If you want to create a crucible to improve your direct reports, then provide them with constructive challenges by reducing the time available, limiting resources, providing new people, expanding responsibilities, etc. Help them get the most out of the experience by supporting their learning and skill development. Feeding forward is a super way to help people grow.

Want to further discuss strategies for preventing toxic behavior in your organization? Book a call.

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