BEAR Model Examples

Click Here to first learn about The BEAR Model in order to understand these examples.

Summary of The Bear Model:

Circumstances are neutral facts. You form beliefs or a sentence in your mind for what those circumstances mean, those beliefs drive your emotions, emotions fuel your action or inaction and the culmination of those actions create results.

The BEAR model shows that your results are caused by your actions which are caused by your emotions, which are caused by your beliefs…it all starts in your mind with what you choose to think.

You always have BEAR models that are getting you your current results. We help you to C (or “see) your current, usually unintentional BEARs.

Before you try to change (“BEAR UP”), take time to fully become aware of what you’re Doing (Action), Feeling (Emotion) and Thinking (Belief) in your current model.

Example 1 of 3 - Sarah the Senior Leader: "I Hate My Boss and Want To Quit"

I once had a big problem with attrition. We were losing people, great talent. When I started diving into why they were leaving, I wanted to understand the true cause of that result. 

Knowing what you already know, what do you think it was? The manager? We all hear that people don’t leave companies, they leave managers. 

Or was it pay? They weren’t making enough money. 

Or could it be they didn’t feel like they had good work/life balance? In most cases, it’s usually not just one thing, but multiple. And it’s probably not what YOU think it is. In fact, it was not even what they themselves thought it was.

Spoiler alert: they leave because of their BELIEFS about their manager, or their BELIEFS about any aspect of the job that makes them feel an emotion they don’t like…so they want to leave to feel better, thinking that changing the circumstance is the best alternative.

As part of my role in HR, I like to speak to those who are top talent still in the group…more of a preventive exit interview that I call a stay or engagement conversation. Instead of asking why those who left quit, I ask why those who stay are still here, and what motivates them to stay here. 

I then take all this data and work the process with them to change their experience. On my part as a leader, I can change some of the circumstances if they are not aligned to our company’s culture, and on their part, they can think thoughts that better serve them.

I’ll give you an example of the BEAR model in this situation, and we’ll use the persona of Sarah, the Senior Leader, who’s one of the top talents in the group who was a retention risk.

During the conversation, she shared the following (think of it as a verbal thought download):

Have you ever heard this?

How did you handle it? How would you handle it? 

Whether her comments were reality or not doesn’t matter, because to her, her reality is more real than reality, because it is 100% true to her. 

And since she didn’t know the BEAR model yet, almost everything she thought were the facts and circumstances were really just her thoughts regarding those circumstances. 

Although I can strive to create a culture where Sarah would thrive, the reality is that it is still up to Sarah to determine how she will think. I try to not only change the culture by giving them different experiences and helping to shape their beliefs, and I believe this is one of the most important things a leader does, but to also help the people within that culture manage their mind, to see their BEARs.

Now that you know the BEAR model, let’s categorize her statements so we can better get to the root cause of why she was a retention risk, even if she herself didn’t even really know.

Most of the time, I’ll even get out a piece of paper and write down C, B, E, A, R on the left side so I can see the full interdependencies. In the C line, I write all the neutral facts, without any judgment or opinion. 

She said, “My boss is making me so mad.” 

In this situation, I wasn’t necessarily starting our conversation with, “Now is when I will take off my HR hat and put on my mind Jedi one,” but I was still using the bear model to understand the situation as I’m hard-wired to try to help someone take control of feeling better and getting the results they want, and the model works every time.

“Mad” is the emotion, what she was feeling. So, we put that in the E line.

So, like on a website, I “double-clicked” or asked follow-up questions starting there.  You can figure out someone’s current state or unconscious BEAR model by starting in any area with the BEAR (belief, emotions, actions or results). 

They are always connected so if I find out her emotion, I can either go downstream in the model and see the actions that feeling is producing or go upstream and see the beliefs that were causing those emotions which caused the actions or inactions, which caused the results. 

In this case, I wanted to understand the thoughts she was telling herself about her co-worker, which resulted in her choosing to feel mad.

“So, what was making you mad in regard to your boss?” I asked. 

I then heard all the different stories she was telling herself. Most were not serving her, and all happened to be beliefs in her mind and not facts that would show up as circumstances. 

In my experience, the boss is not always the real problem, despite what the research says. However, bosses could definitely benefit from learning how to build relationships of trust or how to better lead and manage. 

But, what I’ve found is that the real problem or what makes it a problem is that the employee is telling themselves stories about their bad boss that are not serving them. What the boss does and says is a neutral fact.

She started off with, “He’s always saying what I did wrong and doesn’t recognize all the good.” 

Was that a circumstance, a fact?

Nope, even though she swore that it was, and it was true, you can see she added opinion to that statement so it’s not really a fact, it’s not indisputable. 

Don’t get me wrong, other people can do things that stink. Employees do things that stink. Parents do things that stink, kids do things that stink, bosses do things that stink. When a boss is more of the unconscious manager verses the deliberate leader, it can be more challenging and require more mind work.

But, if we base our happiness or any desired feeling on what other people do or don’t do, we are fighting a battle we will lose. We can’t control other people.

Even as a leader in the company, I can change our processes, try to influence behaviors, provide accountability, communicate better, and sometimes even change our people and leaders to ensure we are creating the right culture…but the problem in this situation was that Sarah had beliefs that were not serving her and she could change those without even changing the culture as that’s a circumstance outside of her control. 

When we removed any opinion, one of the neutral facts was, Boss said, “You’re not good at your job”.

If I really cared for Sarah, and I was really trying to help Sarah, whether she stayed in my company, one of the best things I could do for her is to ask,

“Why is this a problem to you?” 

Or, my favourite question to jump right into it is, “so what?” 

I realize this may sound harsh and may come off as insensitive or that I’m trying to cover up the actions of a bad boss. But, by asking for the “so what?” I’m showing how much I do care; I’m taking the time to help Sarah really understand her own thoughts, the beliefs that she’s tucked in the back on her mind – the ones she doesn’t even know she’s thinking. 

The reality is she will have another boss and then another, and the beliefs she is telling herself may continue unless she learns how to clean up her own mind.

I asked her to think through and even write down, “why is it a problem that your boss said you are not good at your job?” 

“What are you making this mean?” 

“What are the thoughts going through your head when he’s giving you this feedback?” or “So what?”

 She said things like, “He doesn’t value me.” “He thinks I can’t do my job,” and “he really hurts my feelings and makes me feel terrible about myself.”

Put yourself in Sarah’s shoes. Thinking the way she was thinking, of course she would feel the way she was feeling…mad, frustrated. Most would. 

And if she believed her boss was making her feel that way, it would make sense to go somewhere else with someone who wouldn’t. We don’t like feeling crappy.

But, here’s the mind-blowing moment.  By Sarah allowing her boss to have so much influence on her feelings, she was giving up control on her own happiness.  

Let’s work the BEAR model for Sarah. Let’s C Sarah’s BEAR. It’s the Belief, Emotion, Action, Result around that circumstance.

Her Belief was, “I’m not valued here.” That’s what Sarah made it mean when her boss said that.

Her Emotion was, “Frustrated”. Another side emotion was “Hurt”.

Let’s stop at beliefs and emotions. 

I want you to notice, what her boss said did NOT cause her to feel unvalued or frustrated. 

What causes her to feel frustrated and hurt is the belief she’s choosing to think about what the feedback means, “I’m not valued here”. 

In another model and with that same circumstance she had a belief of, “he doesn’t value me,” which made her feel hurt. 

And usually, the comments of other people that hurt the most are the ones grounded in a belief that we already think about ourselves. Sarah’s meaning to her boss’s comment is bothering her so much because deep down there is possibly a thought that Sarah herself doesn’t think she’s capable. 

Brooke Castillo, one of my mentors and coach, shares a great analogy that we call the blue hair. If you don’t have blue hair and someone comes up and says, “I hate your blue hair.” Would that comment bother you? 

Not at all. Because you’d be like, “I don’t have blue hair.”

Because you don’t hold that same belief about yourself it doesn’t affect you. It’s similar to comments by someone else, if we don’t believe it ourselves it can easily roll off our shoulders, but if someone’s comment bothers you, chances are there is a bit of our own belief within that comment.

Going back to Sarah, if she keeps feeling bad and then associates that to her boss, then the models above make perfect sense that the action Sarah may want to take is to choose to leave the company, or at least avoid her boss. 

Or if she stays, what type of actions do you think will come from someone as they feel hurt, discouraged, unvalued? 

Is Sarah going to want to exceed expectations while feeling that way? 

Is she going to seek ways to help her co-worker succeed? 

Is Sarah going to be better off and feel better while thinking those thoughts? Probably not. 

And what happens the next time Sarah’s boss, partner, friend, mother-in-law, co-worker does something similar, they share any comment that may trigger Sarah to think she’s not capable? 

She’ll continue to feel hurt, offended, or even unvalued. This model isn’t serving Sarah well.

Some of you may be thinking, “I get it Sarah, I hear ya, I have a boss who is terrible too”. So they think, why don’t you just have the boss change his behavior? And let’s say he delivered that feedback poorly, and even did it with the intent to make her feel bad.

Of course, that would be awesome. If I could simply change everyone’s behavior to do exactly what I want them to do, then life would be great. 

But the reality is that we can try to influence others, but we can’t force anyone to change their behaviors unless they want to change it themselves. 

Think of yourself, do you always do what you should or even want to do? No, you don’t. Neither do I. But then we expect to be able to change other people’s behaviors whenever they do something that we don’t like.

Sarah will continue to live a frustrating life if she keeps trying to change the behaviors of everyone around her for her to feel better.

And we all know Sarah has a manual or an instructions book for how a great boss should behave. We all do. We all carry manuals that tell us how other people should act, and then we get upset when they don’t do what is written in the manual. And in most cases, they’ve never even see what’s written in our hidden manual in the first place. 

So, what if Sarah doesn’t rely on being able to control the actions of her boss to feel better, what if Sarah was able to work a different model that better served her? What if all this happened even if her boss didn’t change?

Think of it this way, if someone else can make you feel bad about yourself, then you are dependent upon THEM changing for you to feel good. 

The problem here is that no matter how much you try, you cannot control other people…they are circumstances out of your control. They can behave however they want. 

By taking back the ownership of how you are feeling, then you are the one who can make yourself feel better. That doesn’t mean we always want to feel good, or that we choose to stay working for that boss, or we shouldn’t set boundaries for what action we will take when people overstep our boundaries, but then you can keep the control and power of your feelings and know that you are choosing to feel whatever you feel. 

To really help Sarah, my work was much more than ensuring we improve coaching her boss about how to improve his delivery of those crucial conversations, like not yelling if you’re giving someone feedback, although those are actions I also should take. 

No, to really help her, I arranged several sessions to go through her BEARs to help her take control of her feelings and align her thinking in a way that better served her. 

We help her BEAR up. She has an unintentional and even unconscious BEAR model and then once she bears up, she up-levels how to think, feel and act in a new, intentional model. 

If she doesn’t bear up, she could continue to feel mad about it, but that anger won’t serve her. It made her feel so negative and feeling that way, she wasn’t showing up as her best self and wasn’t getting the results she really wanted.   

In Sarah’s case, the real issue had very little to do with her boss, or his feedback. It had everything to do with Sarah. The change started when I asked her, “what is your opinion of yourself and what do you want it to be?” 

Sarah was able to uncover that she had thoughts of, “I am not good enough” and it was those thoughts that she was able to then work on and take back control over how she felt. 

Her boss was just a trigger of her deeper insecurity, and she didn’t even realize it.

That doesn’t mean that Sarah shouldn’t say something to her boss to set expectations or boundaries or to contact HR so that items that aren’t driving the culture we want can be addressed, but the point is Sarah can decide how she wants to feel about it and maintain control over her own feelings. 

Sarah is not alone. We as adults are spreading these beliefs that don’t help. Some adults incorrectly tell kids that others somehow have the power to make them feel something. 

They say things like, “did your brother hurt your feelings.” Or “did she make you mad when she took away your toy?” 

That may be ok with a child as we are teaching them how to handle emotions and be kind, but action in what we call emotional childhood, where we don’t take responsibility for our own emotions, doesn’t serve us as adults. 

And then those kids grow up and still carry that belief that is not serving them. The truth is no other person can hurt your feelings without your permission, you must choose to be hurt or offended. 

Once we can take ownership for our own feelings, that is when we move into emotional adulthood.

Note: The concept of “Emotional Adulthood” was created by Brooke Castillo.  

As a mind Jedi, a big part of what I do is help leaders understand what is going on in their own brain and how the BEAR is serving or not serving them, but an additional benefit is that to help them work a deliberate model to get the future results they want, I can help them try on new beliefs that better serve them. 

In the session with Sarah, I shared the concept of emotional childhood and emotional adulthood. By giving her new beliefs to try on, if she believes them, it could lead her to feel different, which could eventually produce different results.

A core belief that I benefit from is that

“other people don’t hurt your feelings…other people can’t make you mad.” 

Another golden nugget is,

“You don’t need to change your circumstances in your life, and in this case, your boss to feel better.” 

Most people don’t know this. If they did, it would be a game-changer.

What do I mean by other people don’t hurt your feelings and they can’t make you mad or frustrated. 

Go back to the BEAR model. Beliefs cause emotions. Said differently, thoughts in our mind cause feelings. Other people never do. 

Other people and whatever they do or say are circumstances. Circumstances are neutral. Circumstances can’t hurt.

It’s your thoughts and stories you tell yourself about what that person did that then can cause you to feel mad, but other people don’t control your feelings. 

I’m giving you a simple example in the workplace, but these concepts apply to even the toughest of situations people go through, abuse as a child, prejudices, racism, and the list goes on. 

Now, up to this point I’ve only talked about Sarah. But what about Sarah’s boss, John? 

To make life and leadership even more challenging, John also had his own BEAR models working in his life, he was also telling himself stories.

For example, one of his concerns with Sarah is that he said he feels disrespected by her and it makes him feel frustrated. Sound familiar? He was blaming how he felt on his circumstances, on Sarah.

Going back to the model, I walked through what was going on in his BEAR, I helped him to see his BEARs. 

In one model, one of the circumstances he gave was that Sarah was supposed to arrive at work at 8am one morning and she came in at 9am. That was the circumstance. 

The belief that he was thinking was “Sarah doesn’t respect me.” And, “Sarah is irresponsible.” 

They had a presentation they needed to work on and John was already stressed out about being ready for it. 

John’s emotions were anger, frustration, stress and he even felt disrespected.

The action that he took was he yelled at Sarah when she came in and shared comments like, “you don’t care about this project and you don’t respect me.” 

Many of his comments were not based on facts, but rather John was downloading all the stories he’d been telling himself about the circumstances with Sarah. Every time she did something he thought was wrong, that didn’t fit his manual for how a direct report should act, he added it as an arrow to his quiver. And once his quiver was full of those arrows or some trigger happened to set him off, it’s like he unloaded all those arrows at once. 

We do this in relationships a lot. We see our spouse doing something that bothers us, and we pick up that arrow and put it in our quiver, saving it for another day to unleash.

The sad part is that John thought Sarah showing up late was because she didn’t respect him. That was the logical thought he created based on that circumstance. 

But do you think Sarah woke up and thought, “I don’t respect John, so I’ll be late this morning?” Of course not. 

As she was driving into work, after having her 6-year-old son throw up in the car and needing to get a babysitter to watch him instead of him going to school, the thoughts she was thinking were, “I hope John doesn’t get mad; I’m doing the best I can; I’m always letting him down; I can’t do anything right these days.” 

What was the result? 

Respect and trust between Sarah and John were lost. 

Sarah may continue to spin stories about how she’s not capable, valued, and feels unmotivated to work, and her work output proves it. 

And the cycle continues, with both Sarah and John not getting the results they really want and feeling terrible throughout the working relationship. 

The point is, that what I could provide is awareness to both on what was going on in their mind with the beliefs, then emotions, actions and results, their BEARs. And then provide new information, new thoughts they could try on that could help Sarah and John choose to think different beliefs that better serve them. 

Even if the circumstances didn’t change and they both didn’t change any action, they could both feel better, and the relationship could dramatically improve just by helping one, if not both, to change their beliefs, which will change their feelings. 

Let me repeat, not a single behavior could change, not a single circumstance, and yet, both could feel so much better just by changing the thoughts they choose to think. 

But in addition, I can provide new skills for John on how to move from being an unconscious manager to a deliberate leader to better influence in a way that makes it easier for Sarah to naturally have the model work for them both.

How many of you, how many of those you lead have gone through something similar as John or Sarah? 

Example 2 of 3 - Mike the Middle-Manager: Boss Said, "You're Not Meeting Expectations"

Even with the same circumstance, each person may have a completely different model of emotions, actions and results based on however they choose to think. For example, when coaching another leader after having had a similar performance review with his boss who told him, “You are not meeting my expectations,” he also needed to C his BEAR.

We’ll call him Mike. Mike came to me extremely frustrated. He was mad and couldn’t seem to get back to being focused at work or in his personal life. It was keeping him up at night and consuming his thoughts. Because this was a sensitive topic, I sometimes give the option for the employee to get coached by someone outside of their company, even if I want to be unbiased and keep it confidential. 

To have the BEAR Model help you experience life-changing moments, you must be completely vulnerable and allow yourself to uncover every thought your brain has been thinking, and some of those thoughts you don’t want anyone in your company to know. Mike said he was ok sharing it all, so we proceeded. Let’s walk though how Mike can C his BEAR and BEAR Up.

I had Mike write down everything that was in his mind, completely unfiltered. He wrote:

“I’m so frustrated. I’ve never been rated poorly, and this came out of nowhere. And the reasons given were bogus; my manager doesn’t even see me in action most of the time. I’ve given this company my everything, working on weekends, sacrificing time with my family to deliver, and then I get this…a poor review and no compensation increase. I’m so demotivated to do anything for him or this company. How can I want to work for a company that doesn’t have my back? This isn’t fair as I deserved more.”

You’ll notice there are many different beliefs we could explore, but I like to pick one, and it doesn’t even have to be the deepest one or most challenging, any one to start will work.

I asked, “when you think, ‘This isn’t fair as I deserved more’ how do you feel.”

“I feel it isn’t fair,” Mike said.

“No, you’re giving me another thought,” I responded. “How do you feel; name that emotion?”

He continued, “Disappointed. Frustrated.”

“Ok, so you feel disappointed. When feeling disappointed, how are you showing up? Meaning, what do you do or not do?”

“Well, I’m not sleeping. I keep hearing his negative feedback in my mind on replay. And I keep getting more and more frustrated. And then I don’t even want to come into work. When my boss asks for stuff, I don’t want to respond. It’s bleeding into my family life too. I’m not the fun dad I want to be with my kids.”

“So you don’t show up well at work, and don’t show up well at home. And thinking that belief, feeling that emotion, and taking or not taking those actions, what are your results?” I asked.

“I’m not being fair to my family or to my company who’s still paying me to get a job done.”

“Exactly! Your thought of, ‘this isn’t fair, and I deserve more’ turns out to be that you show up in a way that isn’t fair to others and they deserve more from you. Do you see how every thought we think will eventually manifest into our lives with the results we get?”

Mike stopped after a little bit and said, “ok, so this stinks. How do I change it? I feel terrible and this isn’t serving me, I can see that. What are my options behind door number two?”

“Mike,” I said. “First, don’t be so ready to change it. You’ve already come a long way to realize that these thoughts, however much they feel like the truth, are choices you get to decide, and you can decide if they aren’t serving you. But unless you truly allow yourself to feel it, it will be hard to believe knew thoughts and you’ll keep coming back to all these others, since that is what our brains do.

This may sound a little unconventional, and I’m not asking you to wear tie-die and sit in a drum circle with me right now, but I want you to really feel that emotion. So, close your eyes and tell me what ‘disappointed’ feels like.”

“Ok, disappointed feels like crap,” he said.

“That’s a start, but think as if I’m new to being a human and have never felt emotions before, what is going on in that vibration of disappointment in your body? Find that feeling in your body, is it in your stomach, chest, head, hands…and describe to me what it feels like. Is it sharp or dull? Is it heavy or light? Is it hot or cold?”

Mike was a sport, and although I could tell he was uncomfortable, he closed his eyes and started, “It’s in my heart. It feels like my chest is caving in. It’s a hollow but deep tingling in my gut. My heart rate seems to actually slow down verses speed up.”

“Mike, this is you feeling disappointed. Sit in it. Don’t push it away. Don’t try to change your thoughts yet. You got a review and then you thought thoughts that brought about those feelings. This is what disappointment feels like. And just because you feel disappointed doesn’t mean you’re a disappointment or that you need to act on those feelings. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, or many longer you will realize that you can feel disappointment. 

It’s just a vibration in your body, and as challenging as it is to feel, you’re realizing that this feeling won’t kill you. You can feel anything, and right now, you may want to feel disappointed.”

After he was ready, I continued, “what brought about the feeling of disappointment?” 

Mike responded, “I know you say my boss and what he says, and even my compensation being zero is neutral, but it really does seem that it came because of that?”

“First off, I’m not saying you don’t want to feel disappointed. You said you worked hard, and if your boss or company have a different view of the value you thought you provided, maybe you do want to feel disappointed. But when you add on additional thoughts that make you feel frustrated or disengaged, then you’re layering more negative thoughts that cause you to not show up as the employee or leader you want. You’re making it worse.   

Here’s a trick anytime I think a thought like, ‘it’s not fair or someone should have done or said something different.’ I move from critical to compassionate. For example, right now it’s easy for you to see all the feedback your boss gave and be critical. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, he doesn’t see the good, you’re doing more than others, etc. But, what if you asked, ‘I wonder what he was going through or thinking that made him do that?’ 

I believe every human always makes the best decision they know how in every moment. That doesn’t mean I also believe they were good decisions or that they will get them the outcome they really want, but they still are making the decision they think is best, even if it’s for their own gain…that just means they thought their own gain was best in that moment.”

Mike then tried to put himself in the shoes of his boss and see what he was going though. He saw that his boss had eight other people he manages, and with a glimpse of compassion in his eyes saw that he was also trying to do his best, that he was trying to give feedback on the areas he thought could be better. That it was probably hard for him to make that decision, especially knowing Mike may find it hard to receive it.

“Now,” I continued, “with that new mindset of seeing him with compassion, try on this thought to any of the feedback that he gave you, ‘it’s possible there are times when that can be true.’” 

Mike then went through the comments from the performance review and saw how yes, there were times when it was true. Just as there were times when it wasn’t. But now that he was feeling less defensive, he could explore it more.

“When given this type of feedback, most of the stories in your mind focused on how this was such a terrible event, a bad outcome. When you’re looking for the bad, you will always find it. I challenge you to consider how this experience isn’t happening TO you but FOR you. For example, what are things you can learn from having gone through this?”

Mike was silent for a while. “Well, I’ve always been a top performer and now I know what it feels like to have feedback like this. Heck, I’ve given this feedback to many other people before and had times when I even had to let them go, and now I have a whole new appreciation for what they’re going through, what they must be feeling.”

“Awesome, what else?”

 “I can show myself that when something challenging comes, I step up to it. I can take this situation and show that instead of getting disengaged, I can still be willing to give it my best and try to help my boss, to help others. I can still show up how I want to show up. I can do it for me and my integrity, even if my boss or my company don’t recognize it the way I want.”

“And how might you be a different dad at home?”

“Yeah, I’ll for sure think twice before I rail on my kids for what they’re not doing right. I’ll focus more on what they are doing well and show that I appreciate them. I’m going to try to just tell my wife all the things I love about her and appreciate for the next week.”

I continued, “Another way to switch my mind from focusing on what’s wrong to what’s right is to make a list of what I’m grateful for.”

Mike started writing down, “I really am grateful to have a job. I’m grateful to have a family that I can come home to after a long day at work. I’m grateful for the many awesome people I get to work with and for. I’m grateful I still have a paycheck and can pay for food and shelter for my kids…”

“Mike, when thinking those thoughts, how do you feel?”

“Grateful.”

“Crazy how that works, huh? And the actions that you take while feeling grateful are very different than while feeling frustrated. Ok, Mike, let’s wrap up with how you want to BEAR Up. First off, how do you want to feel?”

“I want to allow myself to feel disappointed for a little bit, but then I want to feel grateful, committed, even excited to work.”

“And what actions do you want to take or not take?”

“I want to love my family and provide for them. Stop distancing myself from my boss. Instead, to wake up excited and go crush it at work. Help people, deliver with speed and quality and blow their minds with awesome results. I want to be the boss everyone wants to work for. Even if my company or boss doesn’t recognize it, I want to show up for me because that’s the type of person I want to be. I want to prove to myself I can work for a boss that requires more mind management and face it rather than retreat or quit.”

“The next time you get an e-mail from your boss asking you to do something, or the next time you catch yourself thinking, ‘this wasn’t fair’, or the next time you wake up and get ready for work, what top thoughts are you going to try on? Remember, they must be something you believe, and feel good to think.”

“Here are my top new beliefs for now,” Mike said, this time with a smile:

• “My boss is acting the best way he knows how and that’s ok”
• “This is when I show up as the deliberate leader I want to be”
• “I bring the love, bring the fun, and will find people to serve today”
• “I am enough. Period. I’m not too much or not enough of myself”
• “Everything is figure-out-able and is happening FOR me, not TO me”
• “I rise each time I fall, learn, and grow stronger; I’ve got this”

Mike committed to writing one or two of those new thoughts on his mirror and carrying a card in his pocket and reviewing them throughout the day. He also committed to doing a thought download 3 times a week and at least one BEAR model to see if he’s getting the results he wants. Lastly, he said he’d write down what he’s grateful for every night. We agreed to meet back in two weeks and I celebrated with him for C’ing his BEAR and starting the process to BEAR Up.

 The names change in each story, but even if you don’t think you have thoughts going through your mind, you’ll be shocked to realize that they’ve been there all along, and they are completely affecting how you show up. 

I can’t count how many times the leaders I coach would have an employee come stressed out, feeling overworked, burned out, underappreciated or just thinking their work stinks. Or the times we’d have a conflict on the team that they can’t seem to resolve, trust is lost, productivity evaporates. Good people leave, or worse, they disengage and stay.

And the leader would try to Band-Aid it by fixing what they thought was the problem, while missing the entire root cause of the problem.

The BEAR model helped me better understand why my top people would leave, why my teams were sometimes dysfunctional, why my leaders were sometimes less effective, and why some of my employees thought their jobs stunk and hated coming into work. So basically, it helped me know why my business and my teams were not getting the results we all wanted.

Example 3 of 3 - Relationship with Mom: the BEAR Model in Your Personal Life

Step 1: Do a thought download

While doing her thought download, a leader recorded the following: “My mom paid off my brother’s school debt, which was tens of thousands of dollars, but didn’t pay mine off. She also gives him a lot of money throughout the years and hasn’t given me anything. I get frustrated since it’s not fair. It makes me feel like she loves him more than me.”

Step 2: Separate one belief (thought) from circumstances (facts)

She separated out the neutral fact to be, “Mom gave brother thousands of dollars and zero to me.” And the first belief she chose to plug into her current state model was, “It’s not fair as I deserve the same as him.” She could run a second model with, “Mom loves my brother more,” since each belief could generate a different emotion. We all have many models ongoing at any time, even if we don’t realize it.

Step 3: Compassionately Ask questions to become aware of current model

She asked herself questions to become aware of what she was feeling and doing, and plugged it into the below model.

• How do I feel when I think that thought (Emotions)?
• What do I do or not do (Actions)?
• How has that belief held me back or propelled me forward (Result)?
• What would likely result if I keep these Beliefs, Emotions, Actions?

Note: Ideally you should have one model for each one Belief; however, I'm showing two different beliefs with two emotions in one model for illustration purposes only.

When she can see the full view of her current model, this is when she starts to realize that she is creating the emotions of frustration or feeling disconnected, not her mom or what her mom did. 

I like to challenge my brain by questioning each thought. Most of us never even know what we’re thinking, much less challenge why.

We asked her, “Why does it need to be fair? Why can’t a parent give whatever amount they want to give to whomever they want, kids included.”

The reason this leader gave is because it makes her feel like her mom loves her brother more.

Once again, we challenge every belief that the mind has thought, so that you keep the ones that serve you and not believe the thoughts that don’t. 

So, does the love of a mother need to be equal?

Let’s say that her mom gave an equal amount to each child, what would this client think about her mom then?

Would that action or even an apology make their relationship stronger, would it make her feel more loved? Whatever the answer, the great news is that however she believes she will feel if her mom says or does something different, those feelings are available now. 

This is when I like to ask what result she really wants. Is she wanting to get money from her mom? What does she really want?

What she really wanted was to feel connected to her mom and to feel love towards her. 

And here’s the greatest part. The feeling of connection, the feeling of love, where do you think those come from?

The feeling of connection and love are NOT caused by the mom giving an equal amount of money or saying she’s sorry or saying she loves her children the same, those are all circumstances.

No, the emotion of connection and love come from the thoughts this leader chooses to think about her mom, despite whatever the mom does or says. We think connection comes from how someone else acts, our past with them or the history we’ve had together, but it comes from our thoughts regarding that person.

Step 4: Brainstorm Options to Bear Up (run a future intentional BEAR model).

What are her options?

Thoughts to try on as she reprograms her brain (without changing the circumstance):

• My mom can do whatever she wants with her money; it’s none of my business
• There is nothing my mother can do or not do that can stop me from loving her
• I feel connected to my mom because I choose to connect with her
• I don’t need you to give me approval or money, just be there so I can love you

Do you see the difference in how she’d feel by thinking these thoughts versus the original ones of it’s not fair and others? But each new thought must be something she can believe AND feels better to think to BEAR Up.

A deeper aspect that is at the core of this example comes when we ask ourselves why it is we are seeking approval or love from someone else. Whether it’s the love or approval of a parent, or a boss, spouse, even friend. We sometimes want our mother to love us or tell us how great we are so that we feel worthy.

In these cases, the work isn’t so much even about the relationship with the other person, it’s about the relationship with ourselves. 

We can create beliefs about ourselves and our own self-worth and not give that action to other people. When we outsource that task to others, we will always be wanting more and never have our thirst quenched. Instead, this leader can take on the responsibility to love herself and love her mom, since both of those are within her control. She can think, “I take care of my own approval of myself and my own cash. My mom just needs to exist, and I will love her.”

Step 5: Commit to what you will do differently by when.

It could be that she commits to repeat one of those new thoughts several times a day to start laddering up her thoughts. Maybe she writes it on her mirror, puts it as a screen saver on her phone, or whatever to help her RAS focus on it. Another action is she could commit to doing a thought download on this three times a week to see how her thoughts are shifting and if she’s working toward the desired actions and results. Is she answering the calls from her mom, etc.

Whether you believe you can, or you can’t, you’re right. Begin the process of reprogramming your mind, beginning to co-create the future life you are beginning today. Keep saying what you currently believe over and over until you believe the new belief and it helps you feel better, and then bridge that thought up the ladder until the new thought becomes natural.  

As you shift your thinking, your feelings, actions and results will start to shift accordingly. Keep it up. Soon small shifts will be giant leaps to the life you want. 

Just as we’re advised on an airplane to use the oxygen mask on ourselves first before helping others, you first BEAR Up and learn to manage your own mind and then you can go lead.  

BEAR Up & Go Lead!

*Note about the BEAR model and its origin: Joe Nabrotzky has been working on the BEAR model since the 1990’s, initially while studying the brain and human behavior, and then using it to train and coach leaders in a Fortune 100 company for over a decade. But when he and his wife, Brittany Nabrotzky, came across the work of Brooke Castillo from the Life Coach School, Brooke took the concepts and explanations to another level, to the point that Brittany became certified to use Brooke’s model. But even Brooke with her CTFAR model (Circumstance – Thought – Feeling – Action – Result) would be the first to share that her model is just one of many ways of describing true principles. All credit for the value you get from the BEAR Model is attributed to Brooke Castillo and all the other brilliant behavioral and cognitive scientists who describe the laws behind why we do what we do, feel how we feel and get the results we get.