BaulOlogy - Special

BaulOlogy - Special

Polyamory

Our immediate animal ancestors - chimpanzees and bonobos who are known to share 98 to 98.5 percent DNAs with us also make love. In fact, they are among the most sexually active animals on earth. They kiss ‘deeply’, walk holding each other’s arms, hug, stroke, groom, pat and often copulate throughout the female’s oestrus cycle. But unlike human beings, our last tree-dwelling forebears who lived and moved in small groups were almost certainly promiscuous as much as the apes that I’ve talked about. Their bond was purely physical – the goal being ‘reproduction’. There was little romance in it – so it was temporary. They never paired for more than a few days or weeks.

In humans, ‘Attraction’ towards a member of the opposite sex generally leads to ‘Dating’. Then if the ‘attraction’ still persists and becomes stronger then the next stage is ‘Dating Exclusively’ which, if continues, leads to ‘Courtship’. If that also clicks, then the next stage is ‘Engagement’. And, once this stage arrives, it automatically develops into ‘Marriage’. If the married couple wants to leave the imprint of their ancestral and own genes in the next generation, then the next stage is ‘Having Kids’. Let’s assume the relationship continues (‘merrily’ or ‘non-merrily’) over the next few decades, then the couple strikes the gold – half-a-century – their ‘50th Marriage Anniversary’ is celebrated. (Reference 1)

[Me and my wife Utpala got married in 1965 and we celebrated the Golden Jubilee of our wedding in 2015. Actually, it was celebrated by our three grown up kids, their spouses and families, with big fanfare. Right at this moment, in 2023, we are 2 years short of our 60th Wedding Anniversary, the Diamond Jubilee. We will ‘Die – Married only Once’.

Many couples, in the first world countries, die – married a few times more than once as their marriages do not last for as many years as it has in the case of me and my wife Utpala. And, it has lasted ‘merrily’. Ups and downs, ebbs and tides were inevitable and we have managed to get over them with great tolerance, patience and perseverance and remained faithful to each other maintaining ‘monogamy’.]

In ancient times and, even now, in some cultures, ‘polygamy’ was very common – one person having multiple wives. Today, although on the outside, a couple may look monogamous, inside polygamy is practiced, hidden from the public eyes. Right at the moment, I’m handling the case of a married lady having a teenage daughter, who is deeply in love with a married man who also has a teenage child. This is not ‘polygamy’. In the public eye, it is ‘monogamy’, but underneath it, flows a current of promiscuity, infidelity, and unfaithfulness.

I was amazed to know from Geoffrey Miller, PhD. (References 2, 3 & 4) that many married couples are now practicing ‘Polyamory’. ‘Polyamory’ is a kind of relationship in which all partners agree that they may have romantic or sexual love relationship with other partners which could range from friends with benefits to open marriage. I understand that one in every five Americans have had a non-monogamous relationship – either disclosed or undisclosed.

I’m sharing a live case study of a North American polyamorous relationship. (Reference 5). Carrie and Jonathan are professors at the University of British Columbia, Canada. They got married in 2011 in a Scottish castle in a totally traditional way – Carrie wearing a white bridal dress and Jonathan a three-piece black suit. This couple firmly believes (they believed even during their ‘dating’ and ‘courtship’) that ‘romantic love’ and ‘sex’ are not the same.

‘Romantic Love’ is related to the ‘Heart’ and ‘Sex’ to the ‘Body’. In any partnership, it may not be possible to satiate both these hungers. So, even after marriage, some nights husband Jonathan stays home while Carrie goes on a date with her boyfriend Ray and flirts with him in a bar. There is no hush-hush, no hide-and-seek. Being able to be with two people at once with full consent of each is impossible in a monogamous relationship, and polygamous relationship is not acceptable socially and also legally (barring a few closed cultures, may be). Such relationships always remain hidden. In our case study, Carrie loves to be with two amazing people at the same time. They are not a ‘triad’. They only indulge in occasional hangouts.

I also learnt from Dr Antonia Forster, PhD, a bisexual biologist (Reference 6) that ‘Polyamory’ is quite natural in all non-human species including insects, reptiles, amphibians, birds and animals. It was also natural in the pre-historic hunter-gatherer human society before the dawn of civilisation when customs such as nuptial marriage was introduced by humans only.Most amazingly, many of the Bauls belonging to the Baulsphere of West Bengal, India and Bangladesh still practice ‘Polyamory’ as one Sadhak Baul has romance and/or physicals with more than one ‘Sadhan Sangini’. (Reference 7).

[References:

1. “Polyamory” – Leon Feingold, TEDxBushwick.

2. “The Polyamorous Professors Diana Fleischman and Geoffrey Miller”, YouTube, Rebel Wisdom, 7th April, 2019.

3. “What monogamists can learn from polyamorists/Geoffrey Miller”, YouTube, Freethink, 28th July, 2022.

4. Geoffrey Miller, “Evolutionary Psychology, Polyamorous Relationships and Effective Altruism”, YouTube, Manifold, 15th December, 2022.

5. “What life is like when you’re in a polyamorous relationship: consensus relationship with more than one partner” – ABC News.

6. “LGBTQ+ and Polyamory in Animals: Yes, It’s Natural”, Antonia Forster, TEDxBristol, YouTube.

7. Siddhartha Ganguli, “The Four Moons in the Human Body: The Mysterious Tales of the Bauls of Bengal (Introducing BaulOlogy)”, Noida: Allied Publishers Pvt Ltd., 2023.]