Battling 'Should' Shouldn't Be So Hard

I’m not a crier. I usually have a solid cry about twice a year, and I hit my 2018 quota this afternoon.

You may ask why I’m admitting this publicly, on such a platform as LinkedIn, and it’s simple: we all hit our breaking points. There’s no shame in it and certainly no growth when we don’t acknowledge it.

My breaking point has followed nine months of some pretty tough lessons about the word “should.” As comfortable as I am with myself, as confident as I am, I still care what people think, fear their judgments, and definitely fear disappointing them. This year, I’ve faced and conquered more insecurities than I ever knew I had, and I’m still working on it.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something different is the greatest of accomplishments. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Someone told me recently that any time I hear the word, “should,” it is a massive red flag. She asked me where my insecurities were coming from. In my case, I realized that I felt my own value and knew what I wanted, but I had years’ worth of messages from the outside telling me that what I wanted wasn’t right, or it wasn’t smart, or it was strange.

There was a war raging inside of me between what I so clearly wanted, and what everyone else was telling me to do. I feared the judgment and some imaginary bad consequence if I went against the norm. As a result, I’d built up such a thick wall from those fears, my own thoughts and desires couldn’t get through and I felt trapped in uncertainty.

I would usually sit here and give you real-life examples of this, at least one personal and one professional. The truth is, I’m too tired to try and explain something so complex in as few words as you’re willing to read. It's also still pretty fresh.

What I can say is that I’ve had three moments in the last five days where something in me has snapped and I just said, “F*** it.”

And them. And anybody who tells me what I want is wrong just because it contradicts what they think or what they’re used to.

I've had these moments before--you have to when you live life with Tourette's--but never when the stakes were so high or my walls so thick. This is a totally new experience for me.

My boss told me earlier this week that if we all listened to the “shoulds” bombarding us, we’d never make progress. Progress flips the “shoulds” a bird and keeps on moving forward.

The last breakthrough moment followed today’s good cry and a long talk with that boss who’d told me to ignore all the “shoulds” of franchising, and sales, and relationships, and society. Today was a good reminder that it is possible to find my voice in the midst of all the messages coming at me all the time. Sometimes you just need help.

The “battle of the shoulds” has ironically popped up in every area of my life this year. I may have uncovered a thousand insecurities in myself over the last nine months, but I’ve discovered even more strengths. I think it’s fair to be proud of ourselves and I’m unbelievably proud of the progress I’ve made in 2018.

A reminder to myself, and a note to you: Don’t let the world make you something different. The part of you that’s different might just change the world.