"Battling Over Boundaries: When Negotiation Feels Like a Losing Game" A short story, based on experience.

Part 1 The Chaos of Unacknowledged Effort: When Silence feels like Betrayal

In a tight-knit IT organization of seven professionals, ethics and teamwork were the foundation of their work. Among them, Josh, the team leader, was known for his practical and attentive nature. He always listened carefully, writing down details and ensuring no issue was overlooked. Carry, a team member, brought positivity to the group, often finding silver linings in challenging situations. Nathalie, Benjamin, and Lesley, though dedicated and extremely professional, had grown frustrated. They had been working overtime for weeks, and the extra effort was wearing on their morale.

Their client, a 250-person organization, was represented by Kiem, a project manager tasked with overseeing the development of a critical management information system. Kiem was diligent but under immense pressure, managing the increasingly broadening project with an understaffed team. What had started as a promising collaboration between the IT team and Kiem’s company was now strained. Repeated out-of-scope requests from Kiem had left the IT team overburdened and resentful, yet Kiem himself seemed oblivious to the growing frustration.

The IT team had seen situations like this before. They knew the risks: unacknowledged extra work often led to unpaid hours, damaged relationships, and chaos. This time, they decided to address the issue before it escalated further.

Step 1: Facing the Problem

Josh called the team together for a candid discussion. Standing at the whiteboard, he drew a small, overwhelmed figure holding its head, with the words “Out of Scope Work” written in bold beneath it.

“We need to talk,” he began, scanning the group. “We’ve been taking on a lot of extra work that wasn’t part of the original plan. It’s stretching us thin, and I know it’s frustrating.”

Nathalie, unable to hold back, blurted out, “Frustrating? It’s exhausting! We’ve been working overtime for weeks, and none of this has even been acknowledged.”

Benjamin nodded in agreement. “This isn’t what we signed up for. Kiem keeps adding to the pile, and we’re just expected to manage.”

Lesley added, “I’m starting to think they don’t even care. They’re taking advantage of us.”

Josh let them vent, listening carefully and jotting down their concerns. When the room quieted, Carry spoke up. “I get that this is frustrating,” she said gently, “... maybe Kiem isn’t doing this on purpose. He’s under a lot of pressure too. We don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes.”

Josh nodded. “Carry’s right. Before we jump to conclusions, let’s try to understand the bigger picture. We need to address this, but let’s do it with clarity and empathy.”

Step 2: Digesting the Situation

The team shifted their focus to analyzing the situation. Together, they listed the facts: the number of extra tasks, the impact on their schedules, and the emotional toll it was taking. They also discussed Kiem’s position. His company was large, but his team was understaffed, and the demands of the project seemed unrelenting.

Nathalie remained skeptical. “That may be true,” she said, “but how does that excuse dumping all of this on us?”

“It doesn’t,” Carry replied. “...and what if Kiem feels as overwhelmed as we do? What if he’s making these requests because he doesn’t see another option?”

This perspective gave the team pause. Even Benjamin, who had been visibly irritated, seemed to soften. “I guess it’s possible,” he admitted. “Still, we need to draw a line. We can’t keep doing this.”

“Agreed,” Josh said. “Let’s address this head-on, but let’s do it in a way that fosters collaboration, not conflict. How can we approach that?”

He looked around finding his team ready for Fight or Flight. He knew the feeling. He was there just a couple of hours before, and he knew how it felt. Unappreciated, unacknowledged, frustrated with the feeling.

"We've already worked 6 weeks in a row on Saturdays and Sundays. None of us declared overtime Josh, and you yourself made more hours than any of us without even filling those in our system. We need to make them understand what the out of scope work is costing us!"

Carry said soft spokenly, with her deep eyes and clear voice: "Let's take today to digest the situation. Everyone take the rest of today off, let's not work this weekend. Let's only find balance. Wether it's through swimming (looking at Benjamin), biking (looking at Nathalie) or yoga (looking at Lesley), or any other way that brings you to a point where you feel that your heart beats calmly you think clearly and you sleep well, no need to think about this." The team seemed a bit puzzled, but they had long ago started to trust Carry as she was always their personal confident, their safe haven to spill all their issues.

What could finding balance have to do with a hard negotiating ahead?

The team followed Carry’s advice, reluctantly at first. Benjamin hit the pool, swimming lap after lap until the water felt like a second skin. Nathalie took her bike up winding hills, the burn in her legs temporarily drowning out the frustration in her mind. Lesley rolled out her yoga mat, breathing deeply until the knot in her chest started to loosen. Even Josh, who hadn’t taken a break in weeks, spent the weekend hiking trails he hadn’t visited in years, and re-appreciating the nature of Suriname.

On Monday, the team returned with a surprising shift in energy. Clarity replaced chaos. Resentment gave way to resolve. As they regrouped in the office, the room felt lighter—not free of problems, but grounded, ready.

It was Nathalie, the fiercest critic of Kiem’s demands, who spoke first. “Maybe Carry’s right. If we’re going to face this, we need to be calm and clear—not just with Kiem, but with ourselves. We can’t negotiate out of anger.”

Josh nodded, his voice steady but decisive. “Ok, what is our objective? focus on how to win this negotiation?"

Carry answered softly with hear clear steady voice "How about if we figure out how to make Kiem an ally in solving this together. If we’ve learned anything, it’s that chaos thrives in division. Let’s not give it the space.”

If we’ve learned anything, it’s that chaos thrives in division. Let’s not give it the space.

And for the first time in weeks, they all agreed. Balance wasn’t a distraction; it was their way forward.

Josh leaned back in his chair, the weight of his own words pressing down on him. The team sat quietly, their faces a mix of skepticism and curiosity. He had said it with conviction—“Let’s figure out how to make Kiem an ally in solving this together.”—but now, sitting in the silence of their reactions, the enormity of the question hit him.

How on earth can we make Kiem an ally?

Benjamin broke the silence first. “Ally? You mean the guy who’s been piling on work like we’re his personal task force? The guy who’s ‘too busy’ to even acknowledge what we’re dealing with? How are we supposed to make him an ally when he doesn’t even seem to care?”

Lesley, still skeptical but calmer than before, added, “I’m all for solutions, Josh, but this feels… impossible. He’s so stuck in his own problems. How do we even start?”

Josh tapped his pen against the notepad in front of him, staring at the messy diagram they’d sketched earlier on the whiteboard. On one side: IT Team Strain. On the other: Client Expectations. And in the middle: Out of Scope Chaos. A number of yellow sticky notes with some of their piled up frustrations in between.

It wasn’t much of a roadmap, just a summary of their frustration. But something about it felt incomplete, like the real problem wasn’t on the page yet.

Carry leaned forward, her voice as steady and calm as ever. “Maybe the question isn’t about how to make Kiem an ally. Maybe we need to ask why he isn’t one already.”

The room grew still again. Nathalie frowned. “What do you mean? He’s not an ally because he’s the one causing the problem.”

“Is he?” Carry asked softly. “Or is he just another part of the chaos, like us? If we can figure out why he’s not working with us, we might see what’s keeping him from being on our side.”

Josh studied Carry’s face. Her words stirred something in him, but he wasn’t sure if it was hope or doubt. Why isn’t Kiem an ally? It felt like the right question, but the answers seemed buried under layers of assumptions, misunderstandings, and unspoken frustrations.

For the first time in weeks, Josh felt something unexpected: curiosity. Not about what they’d already faced, but about what they hadn’t yet seen.

“Alright,” he said slowly, looking around the room. “Let’s start there. Not with how we fix this, but with understanding what’s really going on. Why isn’t Kiem an ally? What are we missing?”

The team looked back at him, uncertain but intrigued. They weren’t sure if they were closer to a solution or just another layer of questions. Either way, the thought lingered in the air, heavy with possibilities.

And for Josh, the question—still unanswered—echoed in his mind long after the meeting ended. Why isn’t Kiem an ally?

if he’s not an ally, what can we do to change that? Or should we negotiate against one another? How will that impact the remainder of the project and this relationship that took some years to build and might be worthwhile for the next decennia???

(Part 2 next week. Please send me a private message or place in the comments if any of this is similar to one of your experiences. How did you deal with it? What was the outcome? You want win-win-win for the client, your own team and the purpose of what you're working on. How to find those wins?)

This video explores how Joshua could "easily find solutions"