Basics of Building Conversation with Anyone

Here's my spin and a technique.

How you implement the techniques described here is dependent on your own personality and that of whom you're conversing with and I would encourage you to modify it and find out what works for you on a case-by-case basis.

Conversational threading is a technique that enables you to continue conversation indefinitely without feeling like either person is "carrying" it.

Threading Building

A conversation with a new person or an old friend generally begins with some small talk, and follows the formula of;

·       A1) "Where do you work?"

·       B1) "I'm a Barista at Starbucks"

·       A2) "Oh cool"

·       B2) "Where do you work?"

·       A3) "I'm unemployed at the moment"

·       B3) "oh no!" ~ cue awkward silence followed by exit strategy.

The key here is finding the end of a conversational thread and pulling on it. In the example I've provided B1 has given us 2 thread ends, barista and Starbucks.

Now what you do is you need to pull on a specific thread with either a statement or a question. I prefer questions that are open and evoke an emotional response. Here's what i would have said;

·       A1) "Where do you work?"

·       B1) "I'm a Barista at Starbucks"

·       A2) "Wow! How does it feel to be everyone's favourite person in the morning?"

·       B2) "Giggle ~ I don't know, I guess when you put it that way it's kind of rewarding!, but I wouldn't say I'm everyone's favourite person!"

·       A3) "So tell me then, who's YOUR favourite customer?"

·       B3) "Well, there's always this one man who always asks for the strangest coffee combination, it’s basically all syrup!".

Now you have person B sharing a memory which carries an emotion instead of just stories which are facts or even worse, asking you the same question back instantly.

Person B has also given you several new threads which you can pull further.

Imagine it like a mind map of getting to know the person.

If in B2 they started talking about customers who are mean to them, they hate etc,. Now this is an ideal example, not everyone will be instantly forthcoming with information;

·       A1) "Where do you work?"

·       B1) "I'm a Barista at Starbucks"

·       A2) "Wow! How does it feel to be everyone's favourite person in the morning?"

·       B2) "Giggle ~ I don't know, it’s alright i guess"

·       A3) "I've always wondered, how exactly you make all those tasty coffees using those fancy machines?"

·       B3) "Well first you do x and then y and then z".

In this example B2 isn't ready to talk about feelings per-say but asking a question which requires their specific set of knowledge forces them to teach you something, and people love to feel like they are smart. It also forces an extended response, because you can't really answer the question in two words.

Use information a person gives you to extend the conversation with statements and open questions, instead of ignoring it

Thread Cutting The idea behind this is you don't want a person to bring up negative emotions so early in a relationship, you want them to feel good around you first, and to do this you need to cut topics that are leading down negative lines or would evoke negative emotions.

Whilst relationships can be built around common hatred, these are very rarely strong bonds or helpful to either party in the long term.;

·       A1) "Where do you work?"

·       B1) "I'm a Barista at Starbucks"

·       A2) "Wow! How does it feel to be everyone's favourite person in the morning?"

·       B2) "It's actually terrible, i hate every minute of that job, my boss is a pervert"

·       A3) "What would be your dream job instead?"

·       B3) "I really love cooking, and I've wanted to be a chef since I was a 4 years old".

Here I've done 2 things, I’ve steered the conversation away from a negative topic and I’ve introduced a positive emotion to replace the negative ones.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensue discussion or debate.  

Thank you …Despite the fact that she gave me threads initially, they were quite negative and I'm no street psychologist. I decided to re-frame into the positive in order to form a much stronger emotional connection, thereby associating me with feelings of "goodness" rather than "hate". Now in B3 the person has given me 3 easy to pull threads, cooking, chef, and childhood.

There is another use for thread cutting. If you've been pulling a thread for too long, you may run out of steam, or get too deep and emotional to a point where it becomes uncomfortable.

Staying with a thread for too long may become boring and repetitive too. Here's how you deal with it.

10 mins into conversation about childhood......

Want to add word or two? 

·       A1) "Your dad reminds me a lot of you"

·       B1) "Really, how so?"

·       A2) "You've got such a warm and friendly personality and you aren't afraid to let the kid at heart out sometimes"

·       B2) "Aawww thanks!"

·       A3) "Do you have any plans for the summer holidays?"

·       B3) "Yeah, I'm going to New York for a shopping bonanza with my friends".

Here I've cut the thread in a different way, the conversation has clearly reached its end, and i needed to explore a new thread, so I simply returned to unrelated small talk to find some new ones!

Your comment ….? 

Thread-Strengthening this technique is useful when you want to explore a topic more, or someone is opening up and you want them to share more.

The key here is the 3 R's. Relate, Reinforce and Repeat. Here's an example.

·       A1) "Where do you work?"

·       B1) "I'm a Youth Social Worker"

·       A2) "That's amazing, I've always wanted to work with children, but it takes a really strong and passionate person to be able to handle that job"

·       B2) "Thanks, It's definitely not a job for everyone, I’ve worked in 3 different areas and it's interesting to see differences within communities"

·       A3) "So you've observed that youth behave differently based on their community?"

·       B3) "Yeah kids from x and Y and they're more likely to do Z because of PQRST".

Here you've pulled the thread, related (working with children), reinforced (strong and passionate person), and repeated (so you've observed). It's not always necessary to do all three, but two or more generally works well.

Now at B3 you can start talking about opportunities for children, their lives, how she helps, what's most rewarding etc.. You've identified her area of interest and you should explore it to see how passionate she is about what she does. This technique is perhaps the most complex, because not everyone you meet will you be able to relate with.

Out of all three techniques this is perhaps the most difficult to master because quite often you'll unintentionally shift the conversation onto yourself, and her views and beliefs will not be explored and she won't connect as well.

Relate to peoples experiences, Reinforce positive emotions and behaviours and Repeat to confirm understanding and appear as a good listener

Aim to dive into the "thread pulling" phase ASAP. You wouldn't spend much time small talking with an old friend, you'd probably dive into deeper conversation pretty fast. So treat everyone you talk with like an old friend.

You shouldn't be so much thinking on your feet, but rather responding to the other person. Thinking is a solo activity, whereas responding involves both of you.

If you really deeply listen to what they have to say, its ok the have short pauses where you think about what they said and respond. It doesn't need to be instant.

If you're at a loss for what to say and it’s a girl and she's obviously put effort into her appearance, comment on it.

The formula for an ideal early stage comment is *Item + Value" Pick an item she's wearing (try not to comment on things she can't change e.g. eyes etc), a ring, or necklace or bracelet is always a good option.

Tell her you like it, ask her where she got it, is there a story behind it? (there almost always is) i.e. establish value.

If it’s a guy and they've obviously put a lot of work into their appearance, you can do the same. However I find with guys it’s much easier to comment on how they "do" something rather than on what they're wearing e.g. your handwriting is really elegant, where did you learn to write like that?

Or  Wow you're really good at remembering things for that exam, how did you get such a good memory?

The idea in both these scenarios is to gather more information for a thread pull + thread strengthen

Starting a conversation is one of the hardest things to do.

Seeing it broken down here in steps should be helpful.

I think the main thing is being relatable and positive.

If you come across as someone the other person can relate to and upbeat, they will most likely let their guard down and make the conversation flow that much easier.