The Barrier to Empathy

By Catherine Braxton

What is the barrier to empathy?  What emotion or state of mind has the ability to overpower every other sense, behaving like a middle school bully to our vulnerabilities and moments of discomfort?

Judgement is that bully.  It can terrorize a moment, sabotage a relationship and create havoc in its wake.  Our other emotions, sensitivities and sympathies shrink in the corner afraid to be exposed as judgement bounds around in every space, making no room for anything else.  

And it is in the times when this giant bully demands our attention, we willingly resign to its tendencies and become less than ourselves.  Judgement is the barrier to reaching, experiencing and ultimately displaying empathy.  With its overpowering size and expectations, there is no room to seek a mirroring emotion that someone else is having.  When we are in a place of judgment we feel that we are BIGGER AND BETTER than our vulnerabilities, and therefore BIGGER AND BETTER than anyone else's, too.

So what does judgement look like to you?  Is it hidden in the “rolling of the eyes”, the crossed arms and turned away expression as someone shares their pain, honking the horn at the driver who did not slam on the gas pedal the instant the light turned green?  Perhaps your judgment is more transparent, verbal and expressive as you let someone know that what they are thinking and feeling is WRONG.  You may even find judgement as a way of life, distracting what you think of every passer-by, stranger and bystander.  Family and friends shy away from your judgement, shy away from you as a bully.

We must learn HOW we express our judgments in order to acknowledge the bully when it makes an appearance.  Only then can we recognize its presence and use methods to dispel the beast.

To judge is to be human.  It is a survival technique that has evolved with us as higher thinking beings.  Therefore it must have a purpose, right?  Yet, just like our appendix, wisdom teeth and pinky toe are human evolutions, we no longer need them for survival.  In fact those particular evolutions that remain regardless of their uselessness, could actually bring us harm.  Judgement is the same.  The effort to quickly conclude a situation as BAD in our past was helpful to flee from the charging tiger.  These immediate snap judgments no longer have a place in successfully creating and sustaining meaningful relationships, as we are not in imminent danger of a four legged predator.  

We must find which avenue works best for each of us to recognized this barrier and resolve to break it down when it enters into our consciousness.  

If you find yourself in judgement due to specific triggers, then taking an adult time out from a situation and space away from a particular person maybe one way to refocus our emotions to channel empathy.  Another may be to practice INTENTIONALITY.  We must begin to be aware of our INTENTION when communicating, the other person's INTENTION in what they are saying or doing.  Then gift ourselves with INTENTIONAL breathing, which will lead to calmness in which to channel empathy in our thoughts and actions.  It is in the time that you create for yourself that the bully known as judgement will grow smaller and smaller.

If you find yourself in judgment more than you would like to admit, perhaps recognizing that barrier in each relationship you participate in, then it is time for you to soul search, hard and deep.  If you are the bully in each interaction, if you are always BIGGER AND BETTER, and unable to maintain healthy boundaries and interactions than judgement is your way of life.  Upon review I implore you to examine your truest fears, the things you say in your head that justify why you are BIGGER AND BETTER.  Do you hear yourself saying “no one loves me”, or “no one cares about me”, or “I am not good enough” or “You don’t appreciate me”?  If so, you may be on the right track to uncovering your deepest vulnerabilities that have been hiding in the corner for so long, seeing only what you expect.  Expose them.  Weep over them.  Sob until that phrase no longer hurts. Then find someone who will listen to your story.  Your true story.  They will understand because we all have vulnerabilities that have hidden for too long.  They will show you empathy in your experience and you will feel emotionally exhausted, but freed from that bully.

As we trudge through the uncomfortableness,  the vulnerable emotions will begin to appear from their hiding spaces, overtake the bully and resume center stage in our interactions with others. Only then will we combat the barrier to empathy and achieve true connectedness with others.

Catherine Braxton is the Chief Education Officer for Silver Dawn.  Along with her business partner Tami Neumann, Chief Operations Officer, the two create and curate the Dementia RAW conference.  Dementia RAW has been crafted to inspire, motivate and energize caregivers in the field and in the trenches to better care for those with dementia.  We flip the idea of the standard conference on its head by digging deep, exposing emotions, empathy and vulnerability as a way to connect and create meaningful moments.