A Banter with my Anxiety

Someone a short time ago discussed with me how being in depression is a fad now, 'It is in fashion to see a therapist these days, they said. And for lack of better judgment, I started to question if my anxiety was me falling prey to the latest fad! So that is the thing with anxiety, it makes you question everything about yourself.?

?I had faced and experienced anxiety when I was in high school. Back then, I called it being fainthearted. A ‘trigger’ came in that I cannot possibly recall now, and there I was, a 16-year-old girl sleeping between my parents for a good one month. They thought, I saw a bad dream one night and hence the 29 other nights I chose to sleep in their bed; smart. I suppressed it and acted normally while my blood pressure and heart pounded together to play the beats of ‘we will we will Rock You’ by the day and ‘Superstition’ by Stevie Wonder by the moon. And, hey, nobody was dancing.

They say, ‘you attract what you fear (Oh my God I am so scared of a huge bank balance). So, I decided not to fear it anymore - this was on the fifteenth day, and of course, the faint-hearted-scared-of-bad-dreams-girl remained in fear for another fifteen days. With every passing day, night, and hour I kept attracting the fearless life. It did come to me. However, with no buts, and again of no recall of how and exactly why and when. And, there I was wondering on a day of pure silence in my body and mind ‘oh, just a normal day.’ I did check my heartbeat with a well-articulated thought of fear, the thought comprised listed things that may or can go wrong in life, and even with that dreaded list being re-read, my heart and pressures in blood matched up to the most normally defined units of Fahrenheits and the perfect millimeters of all the mercuries possible (yes, I did find out the units of blood pressure just as I am writing this – the not-in-anxiety mode lets you be easy that way).

?Yes, so that is how anxiety sometimes visits you, with no plan or invitation, no calendar details of its stay, and no freaking goodbyes (oh, someone finally worse than that ex).?

?Post this tiny-suppressed-never-tried-to-ever-remember-experience, I never faced anxiety again until a year back. I am 35 now, way wiser than 16, more learned, a mother to a 4-year-old intelligent girl (I used to believe she has taken on me), and a professional. A month before my 35th birthday, I decided to celebrate my birthday in Andamans. With a whole plan in my head of what is to be worn, eaten, and traveled. I had all the lists ready, until one day when this guest of sorts ‘my anxiety’ crept right back into my heart, blood, and even stomach this time. And, guess what, this time around, I suppressed it with even better acting. By the sun, I would laugh, talk more, sing loudly, and at night cry softly. Oh, come on! You probably thought we could only fake a certain thing!

I kept a check on every responsibility of mine, kept at it all. I had seen this before, felt this before so I was sure, I may wake up tomorrow and it will be gone – it goes away, it will go.

Thirty days and thirty nights later (important to mention this way – days and nights are two complete entities when in anxiety or depression they cannot be called a single day) I woke up and it was still there - stretching inside, my whole body wide, did I mention I am a poet?!?

Everyone else but me was excited about my birthday – I planned to sleep through the day. And, after I did just that, I faced questions, from family, husband, and daughter – loud and clear ‘what’s wrong with you?’ ‘Why are you behaving this way?’ ‘Why wouldn’t you share your problem?’

Ok, maybe we are good at faking only one thing!

My family knew. They knew I wasn’t me.?

I was told what I looked like, lost, unhappy, dejected. I heard. I heard it through my ears, mind – which I questioned if were still parts of my body.

?Remember? Anxiety makes you question everything, yes, on some days everything.?

It is quite a game of push and pulls and none of your own force is at play. Some days you have no force left in you, no mass, no acceleration. No, I did not find out the formula of Force when I am writing this, I studied science in high school, and one may forget the easier units like that of blood pressure but one does not forget complex formulae. Of course, I know Force is the easier formula out of the physics formulas, just try and see the case I am trying to build, thanks.

Similarly, like a tough formula, anxiety had decided to retain till you crack it this time. You see what you can manage at 16 cannot be brushed under the carpet at 35, as next morning it won’t be your parents cleaning the carpets, it will just be you.

After spending a few more days in denial and contemplation, the thing is that both sides of arguments of your brain can go unheard in the screams of your heart, I decided to let others take care of me. Yes, ‘help’ helps.?

I took help, I asked for more time from my family to allow me to be me again. I requested my friends to give me space and not expect a call back soon till I am anxiety-free. I spoke to experts for hours, I rambled with all the fatigue of years and all the failures of mine I had taken to heart. I discussed with fellow humans who had faced severe anxiety. Finally, at a certain sixteenth random hour of a random day, it did go away.

The three quickest methods to deal with anxiety I have learnt are, to tell someone you trust immediately the moment it creeps in (it only grows bigger with time), seek professional help, and embrace it but do not nurture it.

I am right now anxiety-free and don’t wish to ever face it again, nobody should, but it is like this Covid19 that comes back with a mutated?avatar. No, I am not learning to live with it, I am learning to be aware of it, speak about it, and communicate about it. Precautions are to keep a check on your physical, mental, and emotional health, and once in a while listen to your anxiety-free breaths.