* BANG BANG * “OPEN UP IT’S THE LINKEDIN POLICE!”

Oh s**t, better flush this #Brexit post quick! Anyone who has any form of meaningful presence on LinkedIn will have had a fair few run ins with the LinkedIn Police, it’s a bit like a badge of honor. Gives you street cred among your peers as you tackle the issues of the day.

Once you go there you can’t go back, so what to expect when you make it to the pinnacle of LinkedIn?

Much like a witch you will have a few familiars attached to you who stalk and follow you around, some positive… Others negative.

I love the negative ones, they’re adorable.

1)     Trolls

The troll is so miserable in their own life they have to bring it out in public upon others. They don't really have the mental capacity to think or make up their own mind so will just launch in to a rather BORING attack. Engaging with a troll is just like that Simpsons episode where Homer fought Drederik Tatum, doesn't matter how s**t they are or how hard you hit them they keep coming back and just think they've won.

 Here’s one of my faves. How’s that Brexit working out for you?

Weakness = Kissy face emoji

2)     The booming boomer – “THIS ISN’T FACEBOOK”

The boomer doesn’t really know how to get the most out of LinkedIn, detests anyone who gets regular traffic as he doesn’t understand why his “exciting opportunity” only got 27 views. He uses LinkedIn to post biennial posts with zero personality, no opinion on anything except what should be posted on LinkedIn… That and immigration.

Weakness = Asking “Why?”…. Seriously, do it and watch them tie themselves in knots

3)     Mr “You can’t have an opinion on here”

Mr “YCHAOOH” thinks any question or statement that is slightly loaded to one side, be it Tory vs Labour or Cucumber vs Tomato you can’t have an opinion because “ThIs Is A pRoFeSsIoNaL sItE!!!” because we all know nobody, not one professional business person has an opinion on anything, and god forbid they would never get involved in politics *cough* trump *cough* JRM *cough*

Weakness = Point out that stating you can’t have an opinion on something is an opinion in itself

4)     The Dinosaur Director

God, Jesus, Alah, Yaweh, Joseph Smith… I feel sorry for whoever has to work for this numpty. You can find them quite easily in the comments section, look out for these key indicators:

“Shouldn’t you be on the phone!?”

“Well how much did you make last year!”

“Whatever, I’m just about to close a ￡5469873245908758907439850728307 deal”

They also have a massive hard/wide on for KPIs because they are terrified that the moment their staff realise how behind the times they are with their competition they’ll jump ship so the double D keeps them busy with 5 hour phone time targets, 30 CV’s out of the door each day ( despite their website claiming them to be a ‘specialist niche, candidate short market recruiter dealing with the top 2% of passive candidates’), 5 meetings booked a week and more so their staff go home bruised, beaten, tired and confused. It just becomes routine like an abusive relationship until a rec-2-rec slides in to their DMs.

You can normally spot this one as they bounce around town in an on-finance Audi or Range Rover with a face like thunder before they go home and cry in to a pint in their local. (Also they struggle to spell)

Weakness = Actually have a degree of happiness in your life

5)     Porkey Pig the breathing Gammon joint

“Listen right all I’m saying is there should be some sort of camp that we can send them to and if they are well behaved they don’t need to have a shower! Also if you want some scaffolders then hit me up [email protected]”

Weakness = Facts

6)     Mr “Doesn’t understand satire”

You know the one, you post a humorous take on work-life situation and it goes over their head quicker than the Dinosaur Director can spout off about his new watch.

Weakness = Pointing out it is satire, they’ll delete the comment quick time

LinkedIn has so much potential and probably 75% of its users don’t utilise it to full affect, if you feel you might be in ‘the top 6’, not the proper top 6 like this isn’t fantasy football where you get more LinkedIn points for every question you dodge or racist remark then that's you, learn to not be miserable and that LinkedIn can be utilised for more than just naff job ads and copy & pasted BBC articles.

Now let’s focus on the positive ones:

7)     The Brother (or sister) in Arms

They see your point, doesn’t matter if they agree with it. They jump in and tackle The Booming Boomer along side you, back to back in the comments section like a dreadful Western version of Land of the Dead... But in Moss Bros suits.

8)     The amigo

“Love your post” “OMG so funny and true” you know who you are! We’re there for each other.

9)     The watcher in the night

This specialist is like a craic Commando unit, they don’t come out publicly with the comments because they work for the dinosaur however after business hours they drop in to your inbox with a little message of support. Don’t worry, a rec-2-rec will save you one day.