Ban But

"I love you ... but ... " When you hear this your heart just stops!

"I think your proposal is good ... but ... " Your inner voice says you're about to get screwed.

How many times a day do we hear hear versions of this? "Blahblahblah ... but ... " What goes on in our heads and hearts when we hear it?

How many times a day do we say some form of this? What goes on in the heads and hearts of others when we say this to them?

The essence of what is happening when anyone says something like this is that whatever was said before the 'but' must be disregarded and you need to take note of what is said after the 'but'. Often what is said after the 'but' is the sting, how you're going to get screwed over, how they're disagreeing with you, or whatever. What came before the 'but' was said pretty much to soften you up and disarm you before the sucker punch.

More often than not we know when a 'but' is coming and our gut goes queasy in that instant.

So my suggestion as a personal discipline and in the interests of more brave, honest and effective communication is to challenge ourselves to use the word 'but' or any of its sometimes sneaky alternatives as little as possible.

Any time we feel a 'but' bubbling up and heading for our mouths, try to recognize it and question what we're about to say.

This can challenge us in any one or more of the following ways:

- Am I setting this person up for some kind of negative outcome?

- Am I trying to soften or cover up what I'm really about to say?

- Am I being authentic with this person?

- Am I arguing with this person while trying to pretend I'm agreeing?

In all these and other cases I suggest we look for more courageous, honest and authentic ways of communicating what we want.