The Balm of Forgiveness, how to forgive to lighten your heart

Forgiveness! A word whispered in apologies, wielded in religious texts, and grappled with in the depths of our hearts. It's a complex dance between understanding, compassion, and letting go, often perceived as a gift given solely to the transgressor. But the true power of forgiveness lies in its transformative impact on the forgiver, releasing them from the shackles of resentment and ushering in a brighter future. Forgiveness is a quality of strong people. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting; it means accepting and remembering. It means understanding that mistakes are a part of human nature.

What fuels your thirst for revenge: [1]

• “Sharpen your tooth” on someone and experience bitterness in your heart;
• filled with hatred and feel sorry for yourself;
• you cannot accept the fact that the person who has committed a terrible act towards you will not be caught, exposed and will not suffer negative reactions for his behavior;
• you want the whole world to know what he or she has done;
• constantly think about what your abuser did, remembering and re-experiencing what happened.

This essay delves into the heart of forgiveness, exploring its multifaceted nature and equipping you with practical tools and techniques to navigate this powerful path. But before we dive into the 'how,' let's first appreciate the 'why.'

Why Forgive?

Forgiveness is not about condoning the act or absolving the perpetrator. It's about releasing the power that the transgression holds over you. Holding onto anger, resentment, and hurt is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. It only harms you further. "If you carry anger with you, it is like carrying a burning coal in your hands. You are the one getting burned."

Forgiving One Hurt at a Time:

• This is a very practical and helpful strategy. Breaking down the burden of forgiveness into smaller, manageable pieces can make it less overwhelming. Remember, even small steps towards forgiveness are progress.
• However, it's important to address the root cause of the repeated offenses. If the offender lacks awareness, accountability, or a willingness to change, forgiveness alone may not be enough to stop the cycle of hurt. Consider setting boundaries, communicating your needs assertively, and seeking professional help if necessary.

Alternatives to Forgiveness:

• While forgiveness may be the ultimate goal, exploring other avenues can offer temporary relief and empower you to manage the situation even before complete forgiveness is possible.
• Consider practicing radical acceptance, letting go of expectations and focusing on what you can control. Setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being can also create a healthier dynamic.

Repeated Big Events:

• It's crucial to acknowledge that some hurts require specialized support and intervention. Seeking professional help through trauma therapy or specialized forgiveness therapy can be immensely beneficial in addressing complex emotional and psychological challenges.
• Don't hesitate to set boundaries, seek support groups, or even consider distancing yourself from the offender if their behavior poses a threat to your safety or well-being.

Benefits of Forgiveness:

• Reduced stress and anxiety: Forgiveness lowers cortisol levels, the stress hormone, leading to improved physical and mental well-being.
• Improved relationships: Forgiveness fosters empathy and strengthens broken bonds.
• Greater self-compassion: Letting go of resentment allows you to forgive yourself and move forward with kindness.
• Enhanced spiritual growth: In many spiritual traditions, forgiveness is seen as a path to inner peace and liberation.

The Stages of Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not a singular event, but a journey with distinct stages. Recognizing where you are on this path can help you move forward:

1. Acknowledgment: Recognizing the pain caused and its impact on your life.
2. Decision: Choosing to forgive, not for the transgressor, but for your own well-being.
3. Processing: Understanding the event and the emotions surrounding it.
4. Letting go: Releasing the negativity and resentment associated with the experience.
5. Renewal: Moving forward with renewed hope and peace.

?Consider the example of Srivas Thakur when he was wrongly indicated by one envious brahmana to be a non-vaishnava — in fact he was “framed” as a worshiper of Durga; Srivas was so humble that he proclaimed that the accusation was actually true, but this led him to win the support and sympathy of all truthful men.

?Similarly, when Haridas Thakur was cruelly beaten in 22 marketplaces, he humbly prayed for the deliverance of his offenders. This tolerance of a devotee is not artificial or self-condemning or a teeth-gritting type of forbearance.

?A devotee happily tolerates the dualities of honor and insult, pain and pleasure feeling himself to be insignificant, and deserving much greater punishments and hardships.

?He sees the difficulty not as the doing of a particular individual, but as the causeless mercy of Krishna arranged for his purification.

Tools and Techniques for Forgiveness:

• Understanding: Seek to understand the offender's motives and circumstances, not to justify their actions, but to gain perspective.
• Gratitude: Focus on the blessings in your life, reminding yourself that the hurt does not define you.
• Empathy: Practice putting yourself in the offender's shoes, even if you disagree with their actions.
• Meditation: Mindfulness practices can help you observe your emotions without judgment and release negativity.
• Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings to gain clarity and process memories.
• Nature: Immersing yourself in nature can bring solace and foster a sense of connection to something larger than yourself.
• Prayer: If you connect with a higher power, prayer can offer comfort and guidance.
• Support: Seek professional help or connect with supportive communities to facilitate your journey.

Srila Prabhupada's Insights:

Srila Prabhupada offers profound wisdom on forgiveness through his teachings:

• To get freedom from anger, one should learn how to forgive.SB 1.9.27, Purport:As far as salvation is concerned, one has to conquer the principles of lust, anger, unlawful desires, avarice and bewilderment. To get freedom from anger, one should learn how to forgive. To be free from unlawful desires one should not make plans. By spiritual culture one is able to conquer sleep. By tolerance only can one conquer desires and avarice. Disturbances from various diseases can be avoided by regulated diets. By self-control one can be free from false hopes, and money can be saved by avoiding undesirable association. By practice of yoga one can control hunger, and worldliness can be avoided by culturing the knowledge of impermanence. Dizziness can be conquered by rising up, and false arguments can be conquered by factual ascertainment. Talkativeness can be avoided by gravity and silence, and by prowess one can avoid fearfulness. Perfect knowledge can be obtained by self-cultivation. One must be free from lust, avarice, anger, dreaming, etc., to actually attain the path of salvation.
• Varu?a is prayed to for forgiveness, becuase is omniscient and he punishes sins.Forgiveness is a quality of those who are advancing in spiritual knowledge.?SB 4.20.3, Purport:?Those who are advanced in transcendental consciousness, or K???a consciousness, are never envious, neither of the soul nor of the activities of the soul under the influence of material nature. Advanced transcendentalists are called sudhiya?. Sudhī means "intelligence," sudhī means "highly advanced," and sudhī means "devotee." One who is both devoted and highly advanced in intelligence does not take action against the soul or the body. If there is any discrepancy, he?forgives. It is said that?forgiveness?is a quality of those who are advancing in spiritual knowledge.
• Pulastya appreciated Parā?ara because he had forgiven the demons out of his brahminical power of forgiveness.SB 3.8.9, Purport:?Once upon a time Parā?ara began a sacrifice in which all the demons were to be burnt to death because his father had been killed and devoured by one of them. The great sage Vasi??ha Muni arrived at the sacrifice and requested Parā?ara to stop the deadly action, and because of Vasi??ha's position and respect in the community of sages, Parā?ara could not deny the request. Parā?ara having stopped the sacrifice, Pulastya, the father of the demons, appreciated his brahminical temperament and gave the blessing that in the future he would be a great speaker on the Vedic literatures called the Purā?as, the supplements of the Vedas. Parā?ara's action was appreciated by Pulastya because Parā?ara had?forgiven?the demons out of his brahminical power of?forgiveness. Parā?ara was able to demolish all the demons in the sacrifice, but he considered, "Demons are so made that they devour living creatures, men and animals, but why on that account should I withdraw my brahminical qualification of?forgiveness?"
• However the Lord never forgives a person who condemns His pure devotee. So be careful.?SB 1.18.47, Purport:?When an offense is done unto the devotee of the Lord, it is very difficult to overcome the reaction. The brāhma?as, being at the head of the social orders, are meant to give protection to their subordinates and not to curse them. There are occasions when a brāhma?a may furiously curse a subordinate k?atriya or vai?ya, etc., but in the case of Mahārāja Parīk?it there were no grounds, as already explained. The foolish boy had done it out of sheer vanity in being a brāhma?a's son, and thus he became liable to be punished by the law of God. The Lord never?forgives?a person who condemns His pure devotee. Therefore, by cursing a king the foolish ???gi had committed not only a sin but also the greatest offense.

Forgiveness is a personal journey, unique to each individual and situation. There is no right or wrong way to forgive, and the pace may vary. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your progress, and seek support when needed.

Srila Prabhupada also taught that it is not helpful to be angry at the instrument of one’s own karma. Everything is under Krishna’s supreme control, and Krishna has allowed this devotee to act in this way, it could not have happened without Krishna’s sanction and so there must be some purification or lesson for me to learn from this; this particular individual is being merely an instrument - in this mood we can take such opportunities to look within and improve ourselves.

Self-criticism:

Self-criticism can be incredibly damaging, leading to negative coping mechanisms and hindering personal growth.

Addressing the Self-Love Struggle:

• Recognize the Source: Explore the roots of your self-criticism. Where did these negative beliefs originate? Identifying the source can help you challenge them and develop healthier self-perceptions.
• Emphasize Progress, Not Perfection: Focus on celebrating your efforts and progress, not dwelling on mistakes. Remember, growth and change are rarely linear, and setbacks are part of the journey.
• Practice Gratitude: Cultivate an attitude of gratitude for yourself, your strengths, and your positive qualities. Shift your focus from what you lack to what you appreciate about yourself.

Embracing Self-Forgiveness:

• Acknowledge Your Humanity: Accept that mistakes are an inevitable part of being human. Everyone makes them, and dwelling on them only prolongs suffering.
• Release Negative Self-Talk: Identify and challenge negative self-talk patterns. Actively counter these thoughts with self-compassionate statements that acknowledge your struggles and offer understanding.
• Focus on Learning and Growth: Instead of self-punishment, view mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth. Reflect on what you can take away from the experience and move forward with intention.

Seeking Forgiveness from Others:

• Take Responsibility and Offer a Sincere Apology: Acknowledge your wrongdoing and express genuine remorse. Avoid excuses or justifications, and take responsibility for your actions.
• Respect the Other Person's Choice: Understand that forgiveness is not guaranteed. Give the other person the space and time they need to process their hurt and make their own choices.
• Focus on Making Amends: Where possible, take action to repair the damage you caused. This may involve offering restitution, making changes to your behavior, or demonstrating your commitment to learning and growth.

Bless your enemy and pray to Krishna for the benefit of the offender:

• The highest form of forgiveness is to pray for the well-being of your offender.
• If you are hoping that he will suffer in some way because of his bad behavior, you have not yet fully forgiven. On the other hand, as mentioned earlier, bringing the perpetrator to justice does not necessarily mean that you are taking revenge.
• A devotee is always the well-wisher of everyone. If you prayed for your offender and he received the blessings you prayed for, you will be happy if you really forgive him.
• Are you ready to forgive those who hurt you or hurt you? If not, then you are also guilty – guilty of “unforgiveness.” [1]

Conclusion:

Bhagavan Krishna wants souls to forgive other souls for their transgressions. We are not better experts than Krishna. So let's learn to forgive and follow the process. This is a time tested process over 5065 years as documented in the Srimad Bhagavatham.

References:

1. https://mahatmadas.com/living-a-life-of-total-forgiveness/#:~:text=In%20the%20commentary%20to%20Srimad,forgive%20constantly%2C%20not%20just%20once.
2. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_keys_to_forgiveness
3. https://vaniquotes.org/wiki/Forgiveness_(BG_and_SB)
4. https://iskcondesiretree.com/profiles/blogs/cultivating-good-vaishnava-1