Balancing work, life and an elderly parent

We all know that caring for children and balancing a career can be challenging – 2020 has certainly proved that. But, as my dad’s health and mental state continues to deteriorate, this year has presented a new set of challenges for my sister and I. Dealing with ageing parents is an intense juggling act that inevitably awaits most of us as we reach a certain age. And with heightened awareness around the shortcomings of our aged care system, it now seems more important than ever to start talking about this issue and sharing our experiences. 

My dad had a difficult life. I didn’t know my grandfather, but I believe he was an alcoholic and dealt with a lot of trauma, returning from WWII an empty shell. He had a heart attack and died when my dad was around 10. My dad then married my mum in his early twenties and they ran a cleaning business. One morning he was driving in the dark and didn’t see a milk truck parked across the road – he ran straight into it, a trolley pressing on the front of his skull. My mum was told he wouldn’t survive. But he did. He developed epilepsy and speech issues and what we now know to be PTSD. He also had a knee problem and while I can’t say for certain, I expect he was bullied and made fun of. It was the eighties, after all.

I grew up bathing in shame. My father would lose his temper so quickly and raise his voice in a way that made me feel unsafe. I remember trying to protect my sister from this same feeling.

As he aged and he and my mum separated and she then passed away, his delusions began to set in. My sister and I knew it was schizophrenia, but it was impossible to have him diagnosed until this year. 2020 has not been kind to anyone.

My dad was admitted to hospital with high blood pressure and while he was there, medical professionals noted his delusions. He was finally diagnosed and placed on medication. He could barely walk because of his knee, but was sent home to take care of himself anyway. 

My sister and I spent endless hours on the phone, trying to figure out how aged care support works and how to get him some help. It was an intense time: I’m a single mother with a full-time business and COVID lockdown had started. My sister is in Melbourne, had just returned to work after Parental Leave and has two small children. My dad was on some serious antipsychotic drugs  – no one should be left alone whilst getting used to these. He could barely speak or keep his eyes open at one point, let alone take care of himself. I relived my childhood traumas, struggling to prioritise my life and do the right thing while spending more time with my father than I had done – or wanted to do – for years. It was a hellish time and I found it deeply traumatic. Juggling life is always difficult, more so when it involves mental health. It’s so important to take care of yourself, get help when you need it, deal with your trauma and face shame head on. If my dad had the kind of ongoing mental health support that is available now, maybe things would be different.

We engaged private carers to help dad (it takes months to get government support), but that wasn’t enough. His walking worsened and, of course, he had a fall and ended up back in hospital. My sister eventually managed to find him a place in residential care and he was moved. Unfortunately it now looks like he doesn’t have the means to afford it, so after all these months we’re still trying to work through it. 

It’s a full-time job trying to navigate the aged care system and from what I’ve found, there is little support to determine the best choice. The assumption appears to be that the family will sort it out – regardless of what your relationship has been up until this point. It’s both a personal and national debate I’ve only just become aware of. And one I’m yet to figure out.