Balancing Expectations with Reality

I have been quite often accused of being an overthinker and an idealist so have been reflecting on this for some time now and finally got some time today to hopefully try and make sense of why I am wired like that. Writing has become some sort of therapy for me, hence this blog to help anyone out there who might have it like I do...

We overthinkers often struggle, as we tend to have high expectations and when reality falls short, we can ruminate endlessly on what went wrong, why it went wrong, and what could have done differently when the incident is well done and dusted. We replay these situations in our minds repeatedly, searching for answers or ways to change the outcome, resulting in negative emotions which prevents us from finding closure.

Another flaw overthinkers have is that we are perfectionists, setting exceptionally high and rigid expectations for ourselves. We strive for flawless, almost idealistic outcomes in various aspects of our lives, including work, relationships, and personal achievements and when life inevitably fall short of these unrealistic standards, we engage in self-doubt and are unhappy.

Charles Dickens novel?"Great Expectations" was my first introduction to understanding of expectations; a book I read when I was about fourteen. The main character, Pip, inherits money from a secret benefactor. He views this fortune as a stepping-stone to marrying the girl of his dreams. When he ultimately learns that the money was not necessarily part of that larger plan, he realizes that he had taken for granted many important relationships and gifts in his life. His expectations had robbed him of fully appreciating his reality.

Most of the people I know these days are great at living in the moment and appreciating their lives on a day-to-day basis but honestly the only time I can feel less anxious is when I see people less fortunate than me; my friend who lost her only teenage son in a terrible bike accident is a big reminder to me of how grateful I should be of my life.

I am just not a journalling, yoga or meditation type person so such techniques don't work for me. The only way for me to get out of my overthinking zone is to think (yes, I have to still think it!) of the little moments of happiness I have had and sometimes these might be few words someone said, a happy feeling after doing something good for people, a great presentation outcome etc. Not frequent enough to keep me calm for an extended period of time, I am afraid.

I read through the psychology of expectations and will share what I learnt so it helps me and others.

Apparently, expectations often lead to cognitive dissonance when reality contradicts those expectations. Cognitive dissonance theory, proposed by Leon Festinger, suggests that individuals experience discomfort when their beliefs or expectations clash with actual experiences. Yep, that I bet everyone has experienced. Bong! my brain can actually hear a sound when reality hits.

Second, expectations can become Self-fulfilling prophecies, influencing individuals to behave in ways that align with their expectations. Ha, this is probably why when I engage in negative talk, my close ones tell me you will make it true with your repeated negative chatter. Stop saying it. Though honestly, I think the Law of Attraction thing is a whole load of ..... How many people have achieved what they have wanted through that? For me only hard work and persistence pays off.

Third, expectations apparently can also trigger Confirmation bias, where individuals selectively notice, remember, or interpret information that confirms their existing beliefs or expectations. Ahh... again I have been accused of this so many times :( so I guess that is true.

and last but not the least overthinking on unrealistic expectations can lead to difficulty in Emotional Regulation and this is quite dangerous in a work setting as loved ones tend to forgive more than those at work.

Regulating our emotions at work is a must. I remember a time when I couldn't control my emotions and although I had every reason to be upset, I lost my cool which wasn't received well and may well be still remembered to this day. Now if I feel stressed about something I talk to the people I am closest to try and take it off my mind. But then they too probably begin to feel fed up with hearing this constant stress. So, my advice is first to remove yourself from the situation unless of course you are with your boss in which case you need to just try and do the 4-7-8 breathing technique and then once you are back at your desk look at pictures of your loved ones. Works for me for most of the time. With age, I have also learnt to avoid constant interactions with people who I know will trigger my emotions.

So, not sure if this has been helpful, but it has for me, also, remember that everyone is different with their own experiences and motivations that influence their behavior and have their own reasons for behaving like they do and all we can do is try is to manage our expectations to avoid getting disappointed.

Until next time,

Less Expecting, [Too old for any other kind of expecting :)]

Ray