Balancing acts : When therapists take time off

Last week, I found myself pondering the concept of ‘bunking’. Students cutting classes in school, employees bunking a day of work - the choice to be able to take a spontaneous day off. It dawned on me that skipping work was a concept so alien to me as a therapist. The thought of simply staying in because “I felt like it” just felt wrong. Sessions were planned in advance and I stuck to the plan (unless there was a real emergency, of course). There were times when clients canceled or rescheduled a session at the last minute, but those were understandable. “Life happens”, right? It was hard for me to extend that sense of compassion to myself though. Compassion was replaced by guilt, hesitation and sometimes, worry.?

Interestingly, it was around that time where I came across the POTT Model of therapy – ‘Person Of The Therapist’ – by Harry Aponte. It emphasizes on the importance of the therapist’s authentic self as a powerful tool in the therapeutic process. This is defined by continuous self-reflection and a way to channel the therapists’ humanity into the sessions. Think of it as an intentional integration of the therapist with the purpose of enhancing the space. The POTT model highlights the importance of reflecting on the drivers of the therapists’ behavior and this prompted me to regard my own reluctance in taking time off work.?

Therapist guilt has been spoken about quite extensively, where our dedication to our clients often comes with the inclination to prioritize the other and neglect one’s own personal wellbeing. I was definitely experiencing it too. The unease of spending time away with the knowledge that my clients were struggling, led me to repeatedly think about them before myself, and I began to wonder where that tendency came from.

My first thought was whether I had fused my self-worth with my work. Had I developed the tendency to tie my value as a therapist to the extent of my availability for my clients? In all honesty, I have been someone who takes pride in my work. It was a journey to separate my sense of value from how I perform professionally, and to hold them as two distinct parts of myself. Call me a hapless victim of the hustle culture, but did I persist in my belief that a lack of productivity equaled a lack of worth in my own sense of self??

Another notion crossed my mind — what if it stemmed from my own skepticism about my clients' capacities to look after themselves? Featuring the well-known ‘Saviour complex’. I was reminded of moments growing up, when I was often referred to as the 'reliable friend' or the 'go-to person' in moments of need. Was I taking that forward and hindering my clients’ growth by fulfilling my unintentional need to be a rescuer? If that were true, I made a mental note to consistently remind myself that my eagerness to help could not overshadow their own resilience, and reaffirming my intention of wanting to preserve their agency.?

Finally, I also wondered if I was facing difficulty delineating my own emotions from those of my clients. I must confess, there have been instances when the boundaries blurred, and the emotional weight of my clients' struggles followed me home. There were moments, particularly as a novice therapist, where I found myself feeling guilty for indulging in moments of joy while being acutely aware of my clients' ongoing difficulties.

All these trains of thought intersected at a single juncture – the need to humanize myself. I have noticed that sometimes the therapist’s humanity is overlooked in the therapeutic space. And in this case, I was doing that to myself - I was denying my own humanity. This showed up in subtle ways. For instance, the automatic response to a client mentioning that I looked tired, was denial and a portrayal of someone who was an unwavering beacon of energy. Another way was scrutinizing if I was sick “enough” to warrant a reschedule of sessions. There was also a sense of guilt that cropped up when I wanted to visit home for a week, or go on a trip with friends. I became aware that I was too scared to bring my humanity into the therapeutic space. The fear lingered - "What if revealing glimpses of my personal self caused clients to question my professional competence?"?

As evident, I am in the process of excavating the true answers for myself. It could be one of those reasons, bits of all, or maybe something completely different. Nevertheless, I have grown to improve in my ability to fulfill my own needs without feeling like I am betraying the other. The other day my client asked me if I was tired, and I replied with an honest “yes, a little bit”. Did it feel good? Yes! Was it uncomfortable? Yes, a little bit.?

Like everything else, this part is still a work in progress (as am I).