Baiting with the heart

"I was once at a retreat, and when it ended, we got given a quote each that had a little heart next to it, mine said to love you need to bait with the heart." I felt my heart stop as I heard those words and let out a sigh. He smiled knowingly. I was in the lobby of the hotel I was staying at in Dubai, and this was the second time I was meeting him. Here was a man sitting in front of me and challenging me to put my heart on the line. "Earth to Alex. What are you thinking?" I hesitated; I knew what I was thinking, but how could I say that out loud. What if I said that out loud, and my feelings weren't reciprocated. I noticed it was the first time in a long time that I'd felt vulnerable. In other instances, I always felt in control with dalliances like this, but this was different. Was it because my heart was involved in this encounter? "I'm wondering what this is. Is this a work-related meeting or a personal interest?" My very vague way of asking is, is this a date?

Let me begin by sharing how I even got myself into the above situation. With only a week left to meet my Dad, whom I had never met, my sister-in-law voiced her concerns about going on the trip independently. "In an ideal scenario, your brother would support you on the trip, but is there anyone else you can go with?" It was out of the question for my brother to go as he's firmly in the 'I don't want to know about Dad' camp. I wasn't nervous about going out there on my own, but after that conversation, I had simmering anxiety that had started to come through. I rang one of my closest friends and asked if I should be worried about going independently. She agreed with me and thought nothing of it. Then, in a strange turn of events, something had happened to her personally, and my instant reaction was, "why don't you come with me to Dubai?" I thought it was a win-win, she wouldn't be on her own, and I wouldn't be on my meeting my Dad, or if it all went badly, we would have each other.?

After settling in and meeting my Dad, my friend arranged to meet with someone she'd met on a course she was on a year ago. She didn't know much about them apart from the fact that she was convinced we'd get on and that she was under the impression that I had the skills he needed. I was prepared to meet a different person. I'd imagined someone considerably older than me. When I got in the car, I could feel an intense gaze landing on me from the rearview mirror. We began talking about our work and mutual interest in leadership and spirituality. I opened our conversation with a question around how his Muslim religion and interest in spirituality lived cohesively. Midway through dinner, he asked what I did for a living; he said it was something he needed help with and asked if I would meet him the next day, to which I agreed. He dropped us back of to our hotel, and I asked my friend if it was my imagination or did she notice flirtatious energy. Something told me the meeting the following day wouldn't be work-related.

So there I am, sitting in the hotel lounge area, feeling my heart stop at the thought of being open to the possibility of something with a man I'd met 24 hours ago. After mustering up the courage of admitting that there was a mutual attraction and connection, we agreed to see each other again in the little time I had left in Dubai. The next set of meets were a total whirlwind, not just because I had the whole Dad situation going on in the background but because there was a time limit on my stay and because dating someone Muslim is a bit like being on a speed train to marriage. What felt like months of dating were condensed into a handful of meets where we dived deep into our values, triggers, purpose, and vision of the future. One conversation after another unfolded with an honesty and vulnerability I hadn't experienced meeting other people; it was refreshing. It wasn't long before we'd have to discuss the elephant in the room, our beliefs, and our religion. It wasn't something I was accustomed to discussing while seeing someone, and I found it highly fascinating to hear about it, but that feeling soon turned into heated discussions.

It turned out that while we had lots in common and very aligned values and ideas of our respective futures, our beliefs on intimate topics like sexuality, marriage, religion were polar opposites. I appreciated that rather than giving up before it had even started, we decided to continue openly discussing a possibility of something. It meant sitting in a lot of discomfort being open. We challenged each other's beliefs, explored our principles, questioned our faith. Eventually, we realised that we had firm beliefs and that neither of us wanted the other to change. We were both self-aware enough to know that that's a recipe for disaster in a relationship. Despite disagreeing with a lot of his beliefs related to his religion and how he chose to live his life, there was something quite admirable about the level of faith he had. I was also particularly proud of myself for talking openly about my sexuality in a way I hadn't before, despite getting an adverse reaction and having a huge realisation that I no longer cared what people thought about the choices I made on how to live my life and let me tell you, this has been years of work to get here!

As we sat down for what felt like our last chat, naturally as two self-aware and spiritual people, we talked about the purpose of our paths crossing. There were many little things, but I came away with the original quote he'd shared with me. That it was possible to "bait with the heart," that I wouldn't die or the floor wouldn't swallow me up. I recently read a quote that said, love isn't scary; it's the potential of pain that comes with love. I realised that while I spent a lot of time dating in Berlin, I was closed. I have always found it incredibly challenging to be vulnerable in romantic situations for someone with a masterclass in public vulnerability. This felt huge for me to stay an open despite the fear, discomfort, and risk of hurt.?

With love and care,

#AuthenticAlex

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Hi there, I'm Alex. If we haven't met before, nice to meet you, and thank you for taking the time out to read my newsletter. If you enjoyed it, you could hit subscribe to be notified and if you liked it, feel free to like, share or add a comment. If you want to connect with me in other ways, you can find me on Instagram?here, or you can also sign up for my?Authentic Alex newsletter?that covers topics such as creativity, purpose, presence, leadership, and storytelling.?

About Alex:?At the age of 24 Alex found herself employed as the Head of Training and Development for a Foreign Exchange Company in The City. After experiencing her very own quarter-life crisis, she decided to leave the corporate world and create her own definition of success. On the day she left that job she wrote a post that went viral on LinkedIn.

Since then she’s been named LinkedIn Top Voice UK twice for her mental health and personal growth content and has become an official LinkedIn Learning Instructor. She's also the co-founder of #LinkedInLocal, a global movement creating communities in over 100 countries and 1,000 cities.

She’s best known for blogging under the hashtag #AuthenticAlex where she smashes one stigma at a time and writes about her therapy journey with the aim of inspiring others to transform their traumas into triumphs.

She now helps individuals and businesses grow their presence on LinkedIn, find their sense of purpose, awaken their creativity and tell their stories. You can find out more about her and the brand here:?www.fromtraumatotriumph.co.