Is It Bad to Put Yourself First?
I have always been of the mindset that you have to "put the mask on yourself" before you can help others. For the simple reason that if you are not in a condition to help others, then anything you try to do for them will be unsuccessful.
But I was speaking to a colleague on the phone yesterday and she said a few things that gave me pause. The first one was that she "didn't care what other people thought" of her. Which, in my opinion is not healthy. We do care what other people think. That's how we're built. Then she says that as a Christian, she "puts others before herself". Then she said that "she puts herself LAST", after God, THEN others.
I actually had to stop her and say, "I take care of myself first, because I know that when I am in a low-quality state, everything I do with and to and for others is really toxic. That's WORSE than doing nothing" Her response? "Well, yes, of course!"
Yes, I am extremely Christian. So God is actually a very big part of everything that I do in my life. Included in it. So I guess, in a way, I do put Him first. But I don't think of it really in that way, because it just doesn't feel spiritual to claim that; "my humility is my best quality". Then I have always told my husband, kids, and friends, "I can give you 2 ounces of gold or 2 tons of fertilizer. You choose. I'm being honest with you right now. If you let me have this time to re-center myself, you're going to like me a whole lot more!"
But that's because when they say, "Absolutely! Do whatever you need, and if you want my help, just tell me what that means I need to do for you", I make sure that their ROI when I'm done making myself a better person is at least 10-fold. I actually am a pretty fabulous individual when I'm healthy.
Which brings me to my next point. THAT'S the key!
Healthy?
When I was walking home yesterday I saw one of my neighbors on her balcony, screaming at her daughter. "GET INSIDE!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!" She was telling her daughter that she didn't want her around while she was smoking because it would be bad for her (daughter's) health. I actually stopped walking, looked at her from a distance and whispered, "You're full of sh*t." And I just kept walking.
If that lady truly loved her daughter and was concerned about her health, she would stop smoking. Period. That's the difference. And she would also not be screaming at her. Period.
When I hear people say that they put others first, I know that's not true, because they're not doing the work to be a better person BEFORE they give to others. Like being humble, so they don't feel the need to tell it to others in the first place.
What they're actually giving others is leftovers, with terms and conditions, and under duress. When it comes to true giving, of high-quality, truly loving, selflessness, they don't do the hard personal work of making themselves better people. In their daily life, before others even come around.
If you think you put others before yourself in life, do a quick once-over:
*How much of what you do for people is genuinely heartfelt and unconditional--with no ulterior motive? How much of what you give is actually high-quality; based on your good habits as a person? How much of what you are for people is healthy; based on your good behavior? How much do you do the hard work to be truly healthy for others so that you don't have to give a high quantity--because your high quality gift is "more than enough"? How willing are you to make true personal sacrifices for others that even cause you frustration because your actual unselfish love for them is pure?
Taking care of yourself is tough! It's work. It's sacrifice. It's uncomfortable. It's a job in itself. If you really love others, and are a truly giving person, you will do that tough, uncomfortable work to BE a better person. For them. When they truly need you--to be a high quality person.