Bad marriages need SOLUTIONS not KIDS!

I always tell couples that if you don't get along, you don't have kids, and even if you have kids, you get separated or instead divorced. Hearing me say something like this, you will say (like most people I know do) – "Are you mad? What will happen to the kids?"

We have a peculiar attitude in India that I need clarification on. They say if there are problems in the marriage, have children. And everything will be fine.

Having children gives the parents a sense of focus and sense of direction. Until the age of six or maybe even the age of ten, the child constantly depends on the time and attention of the parents. On the other hand, while managing this bundle of energy, they also have to plan for their future and arrange the finances for the child's needs, demands, and education. Parents often prioritize providing for their children rather than focusing on their problems. What does this mean? Like one of my close friends always says, "Sweeping the problem under the rug!" That means the new focus is on the children rather than discussing the problems and resolving the situation.

?Then, societal pressure says, "Have other children to keep the first one company or for a boy," and then starts another set of pressures for the couple, and personal problems are often forgotten or dismissed. So, what appears on the surface as happy marriages are just marriages where many issues and concerns need addressing.

On the other hand, there are also marriages where things have gotten so bad that the couples can't stop fighting even after the kids are born, maybe behind closed doors. They say not to fight in front of the children; however, we don't stay in palaces anymore, where if something happens behind closed doors, it doesn't get known. We behave like small kids who believe they are invisible if they hide their faces.

Children are not tools or glue that can help fix wrong or broken marriages. Instead, you already have a problem and are dragging a child into that problem. The impact might not be visible on the outside; however, when these children grow up to be adults, they mostly have a lot of mental health issues. Anger management issues, loss of self-love, loss of self-confidence, and the list is endless. There are different impacts on the innocent minds of children.

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Today, I saw a movie, "Hi Papa" or "Hi Nanna", a South-Indian film dubbed in Hindi on Netflix.

?"Hi Papa" or "Hi Nanna" is a 2023 Telugu romantic drama film that revolves around Viraj, a single father and a fashion photographer, and his six-year-old daughter Mahi, who suffers from cystic fibrosis. From the beginning, Mahi is very curious to know about her mother, and finally, Viraj tells her the story of how her mother abandoned her since she couldn't deal with the fatal disease that her child suffers from.

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The differentiating factor of the movie is that it shows the impact of bad/broken marriages on children. The leading lady (Yashna) and her younger sister are traumatized by their parents' continuous fights to the extent they stop believing in the institution of marriage and don't even want to have kids. There are two other scenes in the movie where

1. Yashna gets scared when she overhears another couple fighting
2. and is even scared when fireworks go off at her wedding.

Someone may point out that this was a movie; however, children from broken marriages and families will find this extremely relatable.

Disagreements between couples are acceptable; however, when things get out of hand, and there are everyday fights and arguments, YOU NEED TO THINK! Also, this applies to situations where distance between the couples grows to the extent they move to different rooms.

Staying together for the children's sake when there is continuous discontent between the parents is not the environment you want your children to grow up in. Children growing up need constant exposure to love and affection. And when I say love and affection, it is not just towards the child; the child needs to witness love and affection in their environment, especially between the parents. If this is missing, the child may lose the concept of love altogether. Like in the movie, neither of the daughters wants to get married till they have to unlearn and relearn the idea of love.

What example are you setting for your child?!!!

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