The Bad and Good in the Quest for Balance

Even before COVID-19, people couldn’t stop talking about the quest for Balance with a capital B. That ethereal state of total peace and satisfaction because all things have been equally measured and maintained. Bliss. Perfection. Ease. Now more than ever, as people’s lives have been turned upside down, Balance is back in our dialogue as though it were a retro fashion making a comeback. 

As the leaders in your companies, you are learning how to work from home and manage your teams virtually for the first time. Some of you are having to walk the fine line between homeschooling your kids while managing your business or teams. Finances may be pinched because revenue isn’t flowing the way it once was. All of these things are contributing to high stress levels and disrupted schedules (and probably conference calls), and that icky feeling of not having it together. And you, my persevering, boss of a woman, is used to feeling like you have it all together. At least more than you do right now. 

That mythical scale of “Balance” has been tipped. 

We want to rip our hair out because we feel like everything is falling apart and nothing is working. I’m afraid I have some bad news to add to the pile. Actually it’s more like “bad news, good news,” but with way more good news. Let’s start with the bad news first, so then we can end on all the high notes. 

The Bad News: Balance is bull. 

Balance is unrealistic. Unattainable. A myth. An emotional sasquatch much like Perfection. These are things we make real only by the idea of them but not because there is any true example of what either looks like — especially considering how subjective both are. What “Balance” or “Perfection” means to me is not what they mean to you. How we would each define them would be totally different. Ideas exist in language. When we give language to an idea, then that idea exists. 

We need ideas, obviously. Ideas that we can act on and actualize. Ideas that can become a tangible element, like a chair or sofa, the dinner you made, the team you formed, or the business you launched. Those are all real things. They have distance, time, and form. 

“Balance” does not have any of those things (distance, time, or form), but we chase it as if it does.  

So in short, you’re chasing after something that isn’t really there. You’re wasting precious time and energy trying to attain some state of being that isn’t real. 

The Good News: You don’t really want Balance anyway. 

“No, Jen, you’re mistaken. I really do want Balance. Who wouldn’t?” I know, I know. That feeling of everything being even-keeled and together and peaceful and managed is really enticing. Picturing it is lovely — I agree. You know what else looks lovely? That mirage you’re staring at when you’re stranded in the desert desperate for a drink. Except you don’t want to actually put your mouth to the mirage, you just think you do. (Stay with me, here.)

The truth is this: we don’t learn, grow, or expand during the times where everything is going right. 

Yes, those moments are awesome and worthy of celebration. And knowing you, they are extremely well-deserved. However, if that (everything going ‘our way’ all the time) was normal, we would stop having the uncomfortable moments in life that stretch us and teach us what we need to know. We would stop putting ourselves out there on the skinny branches and those skinny branches are probably where you were hanging out all the time in order to achieve your position, or authority, or reputation, or success, in the first place. 

If you look back on your life (just for a minute) and think about the last time you learned something really wonderful, was it during a time when you were feeling uncomfortable or was it a time when everything was going perfectly? 

You’ve established your fiery awesomeness from the times when you thought you couldn't, but you mustered up everything and overcame the challenge anyway. 

That was when you learned. That was a moment that helped establish who you are now. And that is truly where your success and happiness is, isn't it? Show me the time that you learned something when everything was going along swimmingly. If we existed in time and space where everything was even and going well, we wouldn’t have to do anything and we would become complacent. 

There’s no room for complacency in those big dreams and visions you have for your life, your impact, or your legacy. 

More Good News: You can have perfect, balanced moments.

Here is good news, Part 2. While the big-B Balance is not attainable (or Perfection either), little- b balance (and perfection) are. And it’s found in the in-between moments. The time and place amidst life’s highs and lows where you feel the serenity and feel like you took enough time to feed your soul. In feeding your soul, all feels right in your world. In feeling your own inner calm, outer calm is established. 

The goal is not to go in search of the generalized idea of Balance, but to feed your soul and then embrace that moment, however long it may last, where you feel at peace within yourself and watch how it reaches into the other areas of your life.

I think of the little-b balance as a part of an ocean’s tide. There's a moment between the water’s going in and then going back out, when the water hesitates for a split second. To me, that is a moment of balance. Those are the moments — between the ins and outs and the ups and the downs — that you are looking for. 

The Last Bit of Good News: You can bring those balanced in-between moments to you. 

If you can grasp those moments of the in-between, then you can learn to be present with them and to take a deep breath with them. In learning how to do this, you can begin to appreciate the ups and the downs, and more readily notice those in-between states. 

What ends up happening (over time and with practice) is that you feel more a sense of that mythical capital-B balance because you’re really in check with yourself and the little moments.

The little moments add up. This means you need to pay attention to feeding your soul in order to experience those in-between senses of calm. So, I ask you, what are the things that feed your soul? What are the things that make you happy? The ones that give you that sense of inner peace, like those moments between the tide coming in and the tide going out? I want you to write down five small things you could be doing more of to feed your soul that you're not currently doing right now. 

Consider that when we feel those moments of being balanced, we are going to seek them out more. When we experience our soul being fed, we are going to seek out more times our soul can be fed.

If you’re anything like me, when I’m out of alignment because I haven’t done enough soul-feeding, everything is a huge devolution and sweeping generalization of how terrible I am. “I kill plants and I'm a terrible mother to my cat...I suck and life sucks. And nobody likes me…” etc. When you’re in that space, you’re not connected to that inner part of you that is awesome and magical and that everyone wants to connect to. 

So, go back to the question I asked you about what feeds your soul. Write down five to 10 things depending on how much you want to write. Then rank them on a 0-10 scale. 0 meaning you’re not making time for them at all; 10 meaning that you’re doing a great job. 

What you might discover, is that you’re actually doing a much better job in these areas than you think which helps to get that voice telling you that you totally suck to shut up, already. What is happening is that so many stressors and disruptors are occurring which makes it hard to quiet your mind and actually see the whole picture. Look at the areas where you’ve ranked yourself the least. 

What is one thing you can do today to improve that area and feed your soul? Whatever it is, do that.

Remember, you’re going after that in-between moment (the little-b) where you can feel that serenity, that pause in the tide, and experience the beat that makes you feel centered, at ease, and like you’ve got it all together. That pulse where you actually established a little bit of balance even while trying to remain standing and grounded on top of the most teetering scale our lifetime has ever seen. 

Remember, too, that even though these are challenging, unprecedented times, this isn’t the first time you’ve stayed standing on a scale that shifts. It’s just that this scale looks and feels differently. But, you, you are as strong and resilient as you were then - probably now even more so. You can find the little-bs. The little breaths in all this action that can be restorative and powerful. You will keep going. You don’t know how not to.     

Jen Coken is a coach, speaker, and author. Her one-hour, live, interactive, webinar: Balance is Bullshit is happening on Thursday, May 28th at 2:00 pm EST. During the webinar, she'll talk more about how leaders can harness the in-between moments of balance during the pandemic and how to model this for their teams. She also will coach one or two very lucky individuals!

For full details and to register, click here.