Backtracks Deep Cut

Let’s backtrack a decade a summer a decade ago that seems like only yesterday.?

I am going on a vacation across the world...by myself. I am battling the guilt of daring to accept an invitation from friends Mara and Steve who are visiting the South Pacific. I am 51% excited and 49% feeling like I should turn around and go home.?

My kids were scheduled to be on summer vacation with the?shallow end of their gene pool?when I accepted this offer of a vacation of a lifetime.??

I had been on the phone with my friends getting emotional support due to the unthinkable. My children’s tiny lisping mouths whispering about having been hurt and the system that was supposed to protect them failed us all. My friends heard my anguish and wanted to take care of me. How about I take a break and join them in Huahine while the kids were away?

Who-ah-he-what? (it's an island in Tahiti)

So instead??of sitting at home wringing my hands wondering if harm is coming to my tinys or covering that vulnerability by barking or snapping at work, I cashed in 5 years of AMEX points, and packed a bag.??

My coach had been telling me for some time that I needed to “let go” of the kids because the struggle was not really about them. He kept using an analogy I didn’t understand. “Vanessa he is using the kids to get to you. He wants conflict with you. There can be no tug of war if you drop your end of the rope.”?

Aaaaaarrrrrghhhhhh, Mom’s don’t stop fighting for their kids. I wasn’t going to stop, but what I had been doing wasn’t working. I listened to the expert and changed my approach. I fought every mothering instinct I had and cooly remarked on a phone call about how I was going to be sitting in paradise while he was dealing with car seats and bedtime. I deserved a trophy for acting and the coach/psychologist gave me a wry I-told-you-so-smile when I received the apparently predictable cancellation/change of plans. So I won…right??

I get to keep the kids and know they are safe. I called Peyton Wimmer to tell him I was cancelling the South Pacific trip because great news, the kids would be staying. I remember the intense pause followed by: “I URGE you not to cancel this trip, Vanessa. You need it. The kids need you to take it, the office needs you to recharge.” He saw what I couldn’t at the time.??

There was a cliff in front of me, my family and my business if I didn't make some big changes.

I had been running out of capacity and was becoming increasingly brittle from stress and strain. In retrospect I was picking fights I could win at work because of the fight I couldn’t win to protect my children.?

I had progressed from protective mama-bear CEO all the way to grizzly bear rage and it was causing rips in the fabric of our corporate culture.

It wasn’t all bad because every time someone told me “You can't do that.” I took it as a personal challenge and did just that. Because I could. So there. HA! The defensive induced innovation was effective, but it wasn't fun and it wasn't healthy for me, my team, or my kids, so I took a chance and left on vacation to recharge and regroup.

I sat in my car in the airport using baby wipes to mop up the self doubt draining out of my eyes and nose and started chanting the mantra “I CAN go alone. I NEED time to recharge. I CAN go alone. I NEED time to recharge.” I grabbed my bag, lifted my chin, and headed into the airport.

This is when the previous published Unplugged ,that could be an SNL skit, based on the insane 20 questions from the ape running TSA that morning.

I almost abandoned the trip to the safety of the status quo struggle but I took a chance and let the support of friends make me safe enough to do something dangerous, like step into the need for personal change and jump into a river teeming with giant eels, dive with sharks, and dangle more than 100ft above the deck.?

I needed new perspective to be the mom my kids deserved and the CEO my company needed.

Sometimes the fabric of the universe understands how close you are to making a change and strains to hold you where you are, even if that is in abject struggle and misery. Don’t give in. Grab each foot with both hands, pull it up until you hear that squelchy unsticking sound and take the next step on your adventure.?

Life is too short to be miserable.

That summer’s adventure was my turning point. The moments of quiet retrospection and forced discomfort like sitting in a bosun’s chair at the top of the mast or being surrounded by eels allowed me to see things more clearly. I faced some internal demons and made a commitment to change. I realized that I was constantly in flight-or-flight mode feeling scared and out of control. I was compensating throughout the day with aggression or anger instead of compassion and encouragement.?I got to work, and make no mistake change is HARD work. My team and my children responded eagerly with compassion and support. They loved the new approach.

At the office I shifted my modus operandi of smashing barriers and knocking heads together into building alliances and encouragement and it was so effective our culture attracted a dream team who changed an entire industry. You might have even seen the fruits of this change if you have enjoyed Netflix or your own music in your hotel rooms.?Oh...and we had FUN doing it!

Culture can crush a business (or a child) or open new pathways to grow healthy and strong. I had to learn to give my team and my kids the safety to do things differently than they had been done before, especially when it mistakes are made.??

It was/is a process to shift my leadership and parenting styles little by little into one that both earns and inspires trust. It is amazing how much better people and the business performed. The trust and bonding of the team from 2013 until 2020 is the only thing that allowed us to thrive as a company in the crisis of 2020.?We were one team, a work family, a well oiled machine. We cared.

The impact on my family was even more profound.

Here we are now in 2023 and dèjá vu, I am the beneficiary of someone else’s summer visitation weeks. Paul Bullock and I have celebrated and savored our surprise extended summer with these powerful forces-of-nature-teens who have exchanged tiny lisps for excellent boundaries, debate, shooting, and wrestling skills.?

It’s a good thing we earned their respect early. Not everyone did.?

I made loads of mistakes along the way both at work and at home. The choice to be vulnerable, be supported, and getting a change of perspective was critical and sparked a process of change that I am still working on today.

Leading with passion and compassion is the key. I still have mama-bear tendencies to protect my children and my team and I am proud of that. It makes me a better parent and leader. I mean who doesn't want someone who cares watching out for them? I sure do.

Please jump in and share your stories with us below. Did you ever have a moment where you needed to regain perspective or make a change? Did you rely on supportive friends, or a life-changing vacations? I want to hear from you.

Links here to two short and funny flip side Unplugged editions. Flying Solo and Sharks, Morays, and Eels...oh my!

Please subscribe above to join me on our journey above. All mistakes are my own, but many were avoided by the excellent editing of Jackie James .

All Rights Reserved Copyright Vanessa Ogle 2023