Backing Up From Burnout

There’s an adage that says “the best time to take a break is before you need one”.

But when you’re teetering on the edge of burnout it’s next to impossible to know how far you can push yourself without walking off that edge.

I’ve been pacing up and down this edge for much of 2023. After months of trying—with varying degrees of success—to manage on my own, I’ve chosen to use the resources at my disposal to properly heal my stress injuries. And I’m choosing to share a bit about my journey with the hope that it can help someone else who’s struggling, too.

Stress can be an...injury?

I knew I was stressed but what I didn’t know until recently was that I’ve been experiencing what is referred to as a stress injury. The Worker’s Compensation Board of Alberta has a useful infographic on psychological injuries. The following description is a helpful illustration, in my case:

“…excessive and unusual stressors occurring over time or one stressor that lasts for a long time at work, can result in a psychological injury or stress…”

I have been in what I dub a quagmire as it relates to the return to office mandate for federal government employees. For family reasons, I moved from Ottawa to Fredericton in 2021. I was upfront about my move as I took on a new role with a new organization which doesn’t have an office in Fredericton (but does have an office 117-129km away in Saint John). Naturally, no one could have foreseen an expectation that people would travel up to 125km to commute to an office so there was an assumption that telework would continue indefinitely.

Since December 2022—nearly one month after I returned from parental leave, a stressful transition in itself—the mandate was announced. Since then, I have been sitting in a land of uncertainty, not knowing whether I would be required to travel that distance for work (which would subsequently require me to find a new job) or possibly be granted an exception. That uncertainty has felt like an enormous weight on my chest.

Why?

• I like my job. I think I’m damn good at it. I love my team and my role in supporting them. I see the potential of our work to grow in new and impactful ways. Fifteen years into my public service career, it has been demoralizing to feel like I might be forced out of a role I love due to geography when I’ve proven my worth.
• Because of my situation I've encountered issues that have felt like borderline harassment. I won't go into specifics because I’m not saying any of this to call anyone out; I’m not trying to air dirty laundry. I’m also not sharing to solicit pity; I am nobody’s victim. I have had a lot of support from my team and my manager. But it is a reality I’ve faced and when things like this happen in the workplace it causes harm.
• Like so many, I juggled full time work and full-time childcare during the first year+ of the pandemic. I’ve had a second child. I’ve moved provinces (while 7 months pregnant). I’ve lost a family member and watched my mother struggle with chronic illness. I’ve raised small children. I’ve transitioned back to work after parental leave. I’ve grown and thrived in some ways, and in other ways, like many of you, I’ve just been trying to survive.

I have had my share of wonderful moments full of nature and family and laughter and poetry. But even joyous events can come with stress. The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale is a self-assessment tool that shows the point at which someone’s combined stress load is likely to put them at risk of health issues. Happy and neutral events are included on this scale. Life stressors ebb and flow but the tool can be useful for identifying your own stress risk at a given point in time in your life. At this point in mine, my rating tips over 250 into moderate-high risk.

Unlocking my own thoughts

For weeks (months?) I wrestled with the question of whether to take some leave to focus on stress management. I would try to walk or read or write away how I was feeling. I would spend every weekend putting too much weight on a two-day break to heal too much stress.

Part of that is due to my own self-stigma and self-awareness. Thoughts like: I’m strong, I can push through this, or taking a mental health break will hurt my career, or is taking a break really worth it?

I’m a reflective person. What I’ve learned through counselling sessions is that I have an internal locus of control—it is incredibly important to me to have a sense of agency over my own life.

This has helped me realize that, at this point in my life, I’ve hit my breaking point with uncertainty—which has in turned led to a decline in my resiliency, my ability to manage what I normally can on my own. The good news? I have resources and a support network. And for the first time, I’m using it.

What Taking Care of Myself Looks Like

Since becoming a mom, the moments where I’ve taken care of myself ahead of anyone else have been rare. That, on top of bringing a deep sense of passion to my work, means I need a time out to focus on my health. As Lou Downe said in a recent Apolitical webinar, “the people who care the most burn out the fastest”. And I want to get ahead of this burnout.

I’ve made a deliberate choice to take a brief pause from work. While it may have been possible to work through my stress injuries at work, distance can create perspective. The only things I can work on are what’s coming from me. I’ve made myself a list of what brings me joy and this time off is meant to focus on my goal: to feel well.

I’ve been having weekly sessions with an Employee Assistance Program counsellor. I’m so used to working things out myself that this is an adjustment for me. But taking the words and feelings out of my brain relieves pressure from my body. I have someone to remind me that choosing to heal is strong. That addressing my needs is a way of taking charge and responding to what my body has been telling me. That I don’t need to put pressure on myself to heal in a certain timeframe. That I will be better at my work because I will be coming at it from a healthier place when I return.

My nervous system has been in a hypervigilant state for a long time, and it will take time for it to level out. And that’s okay as long as I’m being intentional about my goal. I’m thankful for my family and friends and access to counselling and paid leave. While it’s on me to do the healing, these supports are invaluable.

If this resonated….

If you’ve been feeling a strain on your mental health, I hope this has shown you that you’re not alone and that there are resources you can turn to for support. And I hope you know that whichever way you choose to heal, you and your mental health matter so, so much. ?

Links to Resources:

Mental Health Lines

Mental Health Supports

Psychology Today

CMHA Check In On Your Mental Health

Mental Health 101

And if you can, follow that old adage I opened with and take a break before you need one.